Sunday, January 3, 2010
I am up unable to sleep. It is not uncommon since the December 3rd diagnosis of Hezekiah as my brain seems to work much more at night. I also have a cold...UGH!! I just drank some orange juice with grapefruit seed and it has caused Hezekiah to awake and move within. These movements are so precious to me and I absolutely dread for them to stop. If Hezekiah was not anecephalic I would be really desiring for him to exit my womb. But knowing his life will be short I want to keep him forever in my womb safe and sound. Obviously that is not reality and it breaks my heart.
I had a really bad day yesterday. I was just plain angry and desired things to be different. One minute I am accepting, the next I am loosing it. I beg God to take this from me, I tell him I cannot handle it. I am weak and have clearly seen my lack of faith at times during this "storm". With the day soon here that Hezekiah will be born I am struggling. I am desperate to change this course, I am desperate for my son to live. The thought of what is to yet come is so overwhelming, I cannot imagine it being anything but wretched. How can a family loose a son/brother they so dearly love and want and it not be miserable? I know it will be God's grace, yet the ache is unbearable when I even think of it. The tears are endless along with the unanswered questions.
Dear God may I once again ask you to heal my son, with your mighty hand form his brain and skull to be perfect. Let his healing be a testimony of you and your greatness. However, God if you choose to take my son home with you, please give me strength! Despite it all I do trust in you.