Monday, January 18, 2010
Lord, let me have joy in the midst of sorrow, bless my womb and keep it safe.
In the sorrow of loosing Hezekiah I pray God gives me joy. I sincerely want to grieve in the proper way and not loose focus on eternity. I want to think eternally not earthly, I want to die to myself and seek that which the Lord desires. I do not want Hezekiahs life to just pass by without learning what God has from this. I don't want to walk around as someone who does not have hope, the hope that God is in control and that I will see my son again.
I also pray God protects and blesses my womb. I have prayed that prayer often in the past 10 years or so. I see children as a blessing from God given to us parents to raise for his glory. I know my childbearing years are coming to an end as I age, and I find myself sad at that thought. But I realize it is a part of God's wonderful plan. Due to my 1st 3 births being c -sections and having home births with my next 3 I diligently prayed for safety for my womb. God led me down a road against medical advice and protected me. Even this time God protected me and I am in complete peace with the c-section that I had.
When I found out about Hezekiah being anacephalic I questioned God for a time wondering why he would allow this to happen? To be honest I still wonder but each time I do I remind myself that God knows better than I and I trust him.
I also had a hard time at first seeing the blessing in carrying my son in my womb knowing I would loose him shortly after birth. But now I see the blessing in pieces at times. It truly was a blessing to carry Hezekiah in my womb. To feel him move within and to love him as I cared for him. The joy he brought to us all is something I will always remember. As we would watch him move within and each sibling would try to get him to kick them. Delightful giggles always abounded during this time. At night Ken would always get Hezekiah to move and he enjoyed when he responded to him with his little kicks. Then he would roll over chuckling knowing I'd be up for a bit : ) We had joy when we picked out a boy and girl outfit. Have you ever taken 6 wee one's into Carter's to pick out only 1 boy and 1 girl outfit with varying opinions? The kids had such fun doing this and the normal plan is they would learn if their sibling was boy or girl by which outfit he/she was wearing when they first saw him/her. It did not work out as we planned but it did work out the way God planned.
What JOY we had when Hezekiah lived, I remember being in the hospital the 2nd day and having such joy and peace. I was so happy that God had heard the prayers of many to give us some time. And even more joy followed when we brought him home, that was a prayer of mine to be able to bring him home. The days that followed were of more joy as we cared for this special blessing God gave us. Every simple thing brought us joy, and the thought of him passing seemed to disappear until a few days later when he started to show physical signs of his body shutting down. And now after he has left us we find joy in talking about him and looking at his pictures. Hezekiah brought us such joy!
Of course, I miss him. Every part of me cries out for my son, the ache is a constant ache deep within. Today when I passed the crib and saw his outfit he last wore I picked it up and held it close. I could still smell his scent on it and I wept as I clung onto one of the physical things I have of his. How I so desire to have him here in my arms now. I long for my son and I cry for him in my heart always. Not a minute goes past that I do not think of my sweet Hezekiah.
However, God is amazing in giving us peace, comfort, and surrounding us with others who are showing their love in various ways. I cannot imagine not having the love and concern of others, it has been a support that is very much needed.
I am not looking forward to Saturday although I realize it must be done. To see my son's physical body is going to be hard. I know I will struggle with the "eternal and earthly" then. My God will carry me though, he will carry our family during that time.
God is amazing and as we sang "How Great Thou Art" as a family tonight I realized just how great he is as I thought of Hezekiah and his life. And I continue to pray Dear God give me joy, bless and protect my womb fully trusting in you!