I have had almost a month to grieve, pray, and think about the situation with Hezekiah. It is the hardest thing my husband and I have faced our entire marriage. I am so thankful we are walking this journey together hand in hand. I am no writer or theologian, I am just writing my heart.
I have been thinking about how I have dealt with the fact that our sweet Hezekiah is going to go home with Jesus. I have had more emotions and thoughts in this past month than I have had for an entire year. I find myself questioning why God choose to not close Hezekiah's head and form his brain. But yesterday I was repulsed by the fact that I was questioning God. I know God is God, he is the King of all, the giver and taker of life, and someday every knee shall bow and every tongue confess he is Lord. So WHO AM I to question his plans? Over the past few years God has lead me to places where I have had to trust him despite all. I can clearly remember times I have been on my knees begging God to protect me as he was taking me down a journey contrary to what others and the world thought was ok. I have never felt closer to God than during my pregnancy's and childbirth. He has always been the one to carry me. And the outcomes have always been nothing short of his love, power, and grace in our lives. This time I can't see the outcome as being anything but wretched. However, I still need to trust God. I cannot allow my feelings to interfere with my faith. I truly do believe God knows best and that he directs our paths. It is not by mistake that Hezekiah has a birth defect, it is nothing I did wrong, it is not the environment or anything else science tries to blame it on. It is simply the way God wants it. He knits and forms us all in the womb and if I take his word for what it is than this clearly is HIS desire for Hezekiah. Do I like it, NO! I so desire for God to heal Hezekiah and I know he can if it is HIS WILL. I have seen God work miracles in my life and I do not doubt he can perform one now. I often think what a miracle it would be, it would be so obvious and there would be no glory given to anyone but God. However, that may not be God's purpose with this situation and I must accept it. I know God's ways are perfect and I know this will work out for his glory. I truly do want God's will even if it means him taking my son from me on this Earth. I know God will continue to carry us, I do not doubt him. God has a perfect plan written years ago, it does not come as a surprise to him that Hezekiah is anacephalic.
So were do I go from here. First I have faith and not allow Satan any room in this situation. I continue to pray for God's will to be done. I continue to mourn in a healthy way and I continue to cling to the God who gave his son so I might live, the God who gives me every breathe I have, the God who loves and wants his will performed in my life. He has a plan...His will is best...Have faith!!
Many have asked how you can help and what you can do for us. So here goes:
I am scheduled on Thursday January 7th for a c-section in the afternoon. I ask you to continue to pray that God brings forth my labor on it's own so I have a natural birth. I also ask you pray for the safety of my uterus where the previous scars are, safety for Hezekiah and I. If I am to have a c-section please pray God gives me peace about it. Pray for guidance for those who participate in the birth. Pray I not worry and let God put all the pieces together and we rest in HIM.
If it be God's will, pray for complete healing for Hezekiah. If Hezekiah is to go home with Jesus pray we have some time with him. We would really like to bring him home even for a day. But most importantly pray God's will be done and we accept it as perfect.
Pray for peace, strength, and continued faith in God for our family. Pray for the older children as they grieve for their brother, it is not easy for them. Pray for Ken and I as we try to put all in order and that God will continue to meet all of our needs.
As for meals, many of you have requested to bring one. We would be very grateful for that. If you e-mail/facebook me, I will pass onto you the phone # of the person coordinating them. The only dietary restrictions is red dye. We also need spaghetti sauce to have the least amount of preservatives in it and can only eat romaine lettuce. We will eat whatever you bring, so don't worry about what we normally eat.
We appreciate all the prayers and love we have received from near and far. It is amazing what a prayer can do!