Sunday, January 24, 2010
You know God is absolutely amazing how he gives me strength just when I need it.
I dreaded going to Hezekiah's funeral because I knew seeing his body was going to hurt and bring out pain and emotions. We decided to go an hour early to have time alone with him as a family and it was the right decision for us. The minute I saw him I lost it emotionally, it was almost like there was so much bottled up and at that moment of seeing him I exploded. Seeing my precious son's body was a direct, cruel reminder that he was gone and how I ached from the reality of it all. I watched as my husband and our other 6 children cried and touched his beautiful face and fingers. That made me cry even more. We spent the hour praying, talking, and touching our precious son/brother. I took in every inch of his body and told him how much we missed and loved him. Of course, this is more for myself because he is in Heaven rejoicing. I often think when I am sad he is saying from above "Mommy don't cry for me I am in paradise".
Once our hour was up we felt ok for the rest of the day even though some times were hard.
I think we all agreed that standing up front with everyone watching us was the part we liked the least. My incision was a bit sore from all the sitting and standing and I had this very wiggly 5 year old beside me. :) The kids each signed a baseball for Hezekiah writing their own message on them. The one said "See you in Heaven little bro". They put their baseballs in, Ken prayed and closed the casket. We appreciated the service Pastor Gregg prepared, he has been amazing during this entire situation. After the service Hezekiah was carried out by his brothers and it was delightful yet hard to see this. I know if Hezekiah were here his brothers would be adoring him and watching over him, they have prayed for a brother for so long. It is one thing to ache yourself but to see your children ache hurts even more.
The burial was hard yet needed to be done. One of the children struggled so it took my mind off of myself to comfort them. Both Ken and I agreed the day went well for what it was. I had 2 college friends surprise me by showing up and what a blessing that was. They came over to our house after wards and it was a wonderful distraction. Thanks Amy and Autumn :)
We were blessed to have many loving people in our lives attend Hezekiah's service. From family, friends (old and new), church family, nurses who cared for me in the hospital, Hezekiah's neonatologist, pediatrician, and some wonderful children. Thank you to all who came, you truly touched our lives by taking time out of your schedule on a Saturday to come be with us. Thank you does not seem enough as it meant so much to us.
So tomorrow we start school up again and go about our lives. Hezekiah will never be forgotten and we will still have our moments where we cry and ache for our son. I can't imagine just forgetting him but at the same time we cannot mourn forever.
Because of Christ, our hope we can go on. He will give us strength when we are weary, he will comfort us when we ache, he gives faith when we have not wisdom, he carries us when we cannot go on and he heals our broken hearts. Without God, this would be impossible but with God all things are possible! Blessed be the name of the Lord
Continue to pray for us and for others around you that may be hurting. Prayer is amazing!