Saturday, December 31, 2011

Merry Christmas Hezekiah

   We celebrated the birth of Jesus this week and we are thankful that God sent his son so we might have eternal life.  As we celebrated there was a noticable "hole" within our family.  We miss Hezekiah every day but the holidays, milestones, and family events are much harder.  We wanted to include Hezekiah in our Christmas celebrations as much as we could.  There were tears shed as we tried to balance our emotions with logic. Remembering Hezekiah and his life will always be a part of what we do.  His life as is every other life is important and we could never forget him.

Dearest Hezekiah,
   On Christmas Eve we made our gingerbread houses and Daddy made yours for you.  I imagine if you were here you would have eaten more candy than what you put on your gingerbread house. Your brothers and sisters giggled and had such fun putting their houses together. We had burgers and fries for dinner and then headed to the living room to open up our stockings.  Everyone started to check out what was in their stockings all at once and when they were done your and Job's stocking still sat there.  Ruth emptied Job's for him and Elijah glady offered to do yours.  As he took out your two little trucks, a ball, and a Thomas tears started to roll down my cheeks. Oh my son, it hurts so deeply.  How my heart longs for you to be here as an earthly part of our family. I would have loved to see your eyes light up in delight as you opened your stocking and then played with your trucks, Thomas train, and ball.  As I was embracing the pain within I could hear your Daddy crying across the room.  Then I looked around and all your brothers and sisters had tears in their eyes. Hezekiah you are so missed and loved.  As a family we talked about you again and prayed for God's continued healing for our hearts. We reminded ourselves again of God's promises and that we will see you again.
We spent the rest of the evening playing games and watching Ruth bounce off the walls per say. I know she ate way more candy than what went on her gingerbread house :)

   On Christmas morning we opted to stay home from church.  Your baby brother Job is still young and we did not want him catching a virus. We started opening presents and each of your siblings was so gracious and thankful. I wanted very much to buy you a present and I almost did.  But logically thinking your not here so there is no point in doing so. Although hard these are the things we must accept and we trust God knowing his ways are not our ways and he knows best. We know your safe and we look forward to seeing you again soon.


Monday, December 5, 2011

   It's hard to beleive that Job will be 1 month old in three days, time is going so fast.  It feels like he has been here forever yet at the same time it seems like just yesterday I was walking down the hall to have him delivered.  Job continues to be a source of joy for us all.  There is not enough of this little guy for our family.  He is always being held and someone is always asking to hold him.  Because I am a nursing Mama I get my fair share of holding him and at night no-one offers to get up so I get lots of rocking and snuggling all to myself.  I appreciate Job so much and am loving these tender moments with him that I know will go away all to soon.  I have spend the last two weeks resting and sleeping. Ken took off and made sure I was able to rest and he took care of the older children and our home. I am healing well from my c-section and am starting to get back into daily life and being able to do things.  As much as I hated all the sitting and not being able to do things, I am sure in a few weeks I will look back on these days and come to miss them. Who doesn't love to just sit and snuggle a precious baby.

   I did have a few hard days where all I did was cry.  I could not stop thinking of Hezekiah and I felt as if I had gone back to the first days after he went to be with Jesus.  I remember sitting on the couch one day as the children were surrounded around me watching a movie.  I looked at each one and I "noticied" that this blonde haired active almost 2 year old was missing.  My heart was heavy and hurting and I just cried and cried and cried.  I remember telling Ken that all I was doing was crying that day and I could not stop.  He assured me to "go with it" and cry when I felt the urge which I continued to do the next few days.  I often held it in and let loose in the shower when I was by myself.  I wept begging God to comfort me once again.  I had to remind myself of the truth over and over again.  I should not feel sorry for myself or question why or think of the way it should be.  I reminded myself things are exactly how they should be, this is EXACTLY how God wants it.  Even though it hurts the truth is what gives me hope and the strength to go on. Our precious Hezekiah is exactly where God wants him!  Job is not Hezekiah and he does not per say trigger these emotions.  Job being born is just one more joyful thing we celebrate and Hezekiah is not here. That is when the reminding ache comes. But thankfully I have a saviour who I can trust and know that in the end I will SEE it all.

   My family is a gift and each day is to be cherished, for truly we do not know what tomorrow brings. Thank you Jesus for my husband and our 8 blessings!