Monday, April 26, 2010

I love being outside on hard days. Last week was a week full of tears. It did not seem to matter what I was doing I would just cry. I found going outside to be helpful. I enjoyed the fresh air, watching all our new baby friends and especially seeing our children delighted with their pets. I think Ken is getting worried about what I may bring home next... :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Remembering Hezekiah

We all have our own ways of remembering Hezekiah and continuing to keep his precious life a part of our family. Elijah is playing baseball this year and he got to pick his number for his shirt. He told me after I sent the forms in why he chose #17. He said 1=January 7=7 the day God answered my prayer for another brother.


I have been thinking much about how I have been grieving lately and have come to the conclusion that I have allowed my feelings to overtake the truth. I realize that is not healthy nor do I believe it is how God would have me deal with my pain. Thank you Jenny for your letter that lovingly confirmed this to me. Although my feelings are real and cannot be ignored I cannot allow them to control me or the truth. How can I find the truth? That answer became clear to me the other day...EAT THE BOOK! Anyone who went to Elim Bible Institute knows that saying from Bro. Ben. For those of you not blessed to be under Bro. Ben's teaching it means to continually read and meditate on the Bible. I have got to make the choice even when I don't feel like it to read God's word and pray. Often, I find myself crying and feeling lost in this grief process. Is there a certain way to do this? I don't know but I do know I want to survive and come out stronger. I have started reading, praying, and meditating even more and I have found strength in that. I still struggle, I still cry a lot, but it's different when your relying on God rather than self. I am getting to know my Father in a way I have never known him. My son Hezekiah has given me a deep, deep desire to know God even more. I realize some answers will never be answered and that is where faith, trust, and hope come in.

I have also struggled with what may come next in my life and those I love. Death has knocked on our door and has left a hole within each of our heart's. It has caused us to realize how temporary this world really is and how important people are. I worry more than I should with the 6 children living on this Earth. The other day my son came to me with a bump on his head. I thoroughly inspected it but deep within had a panic thinking it could be cancer or a tumor. Of course I quickly came back to my senses within a few seconds but I admit I am gripped with fear that one of my other children could be called home. My weaknesses are so evident, I am thankful for an understanding God who knows I am not perfect. He accepts me where I am and refines me daily. Fear is not of God so my prayer is that I rely on God even more and not fear anything. I want to be a Job who trusted God despite wretched circumstances. The story of Job makes me feel weak as I read how strong this man was but it also gives me strength to read of his strength when he lost everything. I pray God gives me strength to trust him. I am going to make the choice to not fear and if I do begin I will cry out for God's strength to make me strong. Fear is not of God.

I have had to make some hard choices and I know there will be more. I cannot sit around and sulk all day and not continue on with life. It honestly is easy to just fall apart and spend the day in bed crying but it's not appropriate nor is it what I believe God wants from me. I have to make the choice to rise above my circumstances, seeking strength from God to face the hard things head on. I believe God is calling me out of my comfort zone now, he is wanting more from me. An example is baby showers, there have been two of them since Hezekiah passed. My precious sister in law and much loved cousin both have little boys and attending their baby showers was hard. I am so happy for them but the ache of seeing those little diapers, nuks, boy clothes, and the thoughts of what could have been with Hezekiah is deep that it is hard to want to celebrate. My cousin Marcia has been an example to me and it is only since Hezekiah that I have realized it. Marcia and her husband Mike had a hard time conceiving and it was very hard on them. There were so many baby showers during her childless years. Yet Marcia always came to the showers happy and rejoicing with the mothers to be. I could at times sense the pain and sometimes even see tears swell slightly in her eyes. I only now realize to a deeper extend the longing she had as she celebrated yet mourned. She could have chosen not to come and we would all would have understood but it is obvious she clearly made the choice to celebrate with others despite her own pain. Marcia was blessed with a precious baby boy and my prayer is that God would bless her with more. Her example of putting others first before her own feelings and pain has encouraged me. The circumstances for me don't always fall in the baby shower catergory but they do fall under the choice catergory. I have choices to make and I want to make the right ones!
I am making the choice to follow truth not feelings. I am making the choice to trust God and have faith that my life is in his hands. I am making the choice to live and grow stronger. I am making the right choices by God's guidance and his strength.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Dear God,

You have given me a bitter cup to drink. The ache is unbearable at times, it never goes away nor diminishes. I know you are God, I know your ways are best, I know you love me, I know you love Hezekiah. I also know God I need you to give me the strength to deal with this. My heart cries out to you daily as I ache for my son. I need you to comfort me, to give me a peace that passes all understanding. As I struggle to grasp all that has happened and as my faith is being shaken I need you. I do not question who you are nor dare I curse your ultimate plan. I do question in my feeble mind why? So God please help me to deal with this in the way you would have me to. Give me strength spiritually, physically, and emotionally. My life is yours, I am broken in a way I have never been. Please Dear God in your way, in your time put me back together to further your glory. Keep my heart tender and my spirit awakened to you. And as I know you are love my son.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Today Hezekiah is 3 months old, I wonder what he is doing with Jesus!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

My precious Hezekiah how my heart longs for you. Life is taking a turn for the worst, perhaps reality is really setting in for me. You are gone and I will never be able to hold you nor care for you as my son. The ache that comes with that knowledge is just to much to carry. I am angry and don't understand why God did not heal you or even why he would allow such a wicked thing to happen to you. I am all alone as I struggle daily to cope with such a deep, deep hurt. Truly, I see no end.
I went to your grave this morning and took you some yellow flowers. With my hands I pulled the heaping pile of dirt away and tried to smooth it out. As I was smoothing out the dirt I cried and cried until I could cry no more. I wanted to just lay my head upon your grave and die myself!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I am tired and weary, my heart aches for Hezekiah just as it did on January 14th when he took his last breath in my arms. In 3 days Hezekiah would have been 3 months old. The pain in my heart is so deep and is always there. I constantly have a lump in my throat and tears ready to flow. I find myself going on yet I am still stuck trying to deal with the reality of life.

I still question why over and over again. I so desire for things to be different and at times I truly feel like I cannot go on anymore. I am grieving and I must say grieving takes a lot out of me.