Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Life Lessons

This morning the kids and I headed out to finish up weeding the garden. The one thing I love about weeding the garden with my children is the conversations that come out of it. As we were half way into weeding one of the children asked why weeds came back into the garden we just weeded last week. I told them that it is something that we must constantly keep up with in order to keep the weeds out and so the plants flourish. One thing led to another until our conversation was about our hearts and how we must "weed" them out daily. It was a lesson for the children and a good reminder for me.

We took an afternoon break and had our normal yogurt, carrots, lettuce, cheese, and apple slices. While eating the kids noticed Tinkerbell their kitten chasing a mouse in the back field. They watched this and kept saying Mommy stop Tinkerbell. I did not need to interfere because Tinkerbell lost interest for some reason and the mouse ran off.

After lunch we decided to finish up the last row and plant some more things. The children thought they would rather finish it today and not work on it at all tomorrow. My boys told me I should just start up the rototiller and go around the garden as well. I have never used it and told them that. Elijah and Solomon both said eagerly that they knew how to start it and what to do to make it go. I hesitated but then decided to go for it after all it would make some things easier. Elijah started it and Solomon showed me what to do and it went well until we ran out of gas. I decided to go get some gas so we could finish up. We all got into the van and as we drove off we could see our cat Garfield on the side of the road. I got out and looked and sure enough he had been hit by a car. I told the kids to get back into the van and I told them he was dead. Driving to get the gas there was complete silence all I could hear was the sniffling and faint cries. I looked back and all the children had tears running down their dirt stained faces. How it breaks my heart to see my children hurt.

When we got back home I planned on just continuing to work and let Ken take care of the cat.
But the children were not happy about just leaving him there. So I mustered up some strength, grabbed the wheel barrel and shovel and we all headed down the road. I made the children stay back because it was a bit gruesome. I could barely take it myself. When we got back we buried Garfield and prayed. There was not a dry eye. Ruth cried so hard and kept asking when Hezekiah and Garfield were coming back. How can a 2 1/2 year old comprehend all of this. She cried and her entire body clung to me. At the end as we all clung to one another I told the children I was so sorry I could not keep them from all this pain. As a Mother I want nothing more than to shield them from all of this. But it is reality that this Earth is full of pain, tears, and sin.

We finished up and moved back to the garden in silence for awhile. Then the conversations started about Hezekiah. We love talking about our son/brother and we miss him dearly.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...

Looking back over the past 2 years we have certainly suffered great loss. Before I was pregnant with Hezekiah we had taken our niece into our home. We picked Miriam up from the hospital and had her for several months. We cared for her and loved her as our own, she became a part of our family. She truly was/is a precious one. Then came the day when we were told to give her back to her Mom. I remember standing outside holding Miriam and crying questioning how I was going to hand this little girl over that we had all fallen in love with? How would we live without her? How would she feel being taken from us? At that time I was pregnant with Hezekiah and little did I know what the future held. Looking back that was only the beginning...

When I look back at these two life altering situations I still sometimes struggle with why God would allow it to happen. But I know Miriam left our home and Hezekiah left this Earth because God ordained it. It does not matter that a man lied and his lie caused Miriam to be handed over to her Mother. It does not matter that folic acid and environmental issues are linked to anacephalic babies. God IS still in control and HIS will is being done. I do not understand it all and I know I need to continue to trust God. I know both Miriam and Hezekiah are right where the Lord wants them to be. My heart aches and wonders in regards to both of them but I continue to cling to God's promises. HE IS FAITHFUL AND HE IS JUST!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day to the best Dad ever.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Today the kids and I went to get some groceries at SAMS. I was reminded of why I don't do my shopping on weekends, it is so busy out! Anyway we were passing the books and the kiddo's all wanted to stop and look at them. As they did I saw a table right beside with baby clothes on it. At first I turned away but then I went over and picked up a baby boy outfit. I held it up and as I looked it over imagining Hezekiah in it I could feel the tears falling down my cheeks. How I miss my boy!

On Friday I was blessed again to visit with Jenny and Jenn. It has been fun getting to know these to wonderful friends of mine more deeply. We were brought together because of Hezekiah, Olivia, and Noah. I know we will be lifetime friends or more accurately sisters! I am so thankful for them. Please continue to pray for Jenn and her family as Noah is due July 4th.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Yesterday I took the crib down, I just could not take seeing it sit there empty anymore. As I was taking it down every emotion surfaced. I continued working until I just could not take it anymore and found myself sobbing uncontrollably. My precious son...
I am so thankful to know people are still thinking and praying for us. I was touched tonight to still see our name on our church prayer list. We NEED prayer still, it's not suddenly over for us because Hezekiah is with the Lord and his body is laid to rest. We are continuing on but we struggle and we ache for our son and brother.

Do you remember Jenny? She is Olivia's Mommy and we met while we both were pregnant. She has become a very dear friend of mine. In fact, she is my sister from another Mr :) Did I get that right Andy and Ken? :) I am very thankful for Jenny, it is a blessing to have her in my life. Jenny got a tattoo today in memory of Olivia. Go check it out at fretzfam.blogspot.com

Jenny and I are blessed to have a new friend Jenn in our lives who we met last week. Jenn is the wife of Kevin and Mommy to Sarah, Susan, Hannah, Erik, and Noah. Jenn is carrying Noah and he will be joining Hezekiah and Olivia in Heaven soon. Please take a peek at her blog: treasuringlifesblessings.blogspot.com and pray for them. They need your prayers. From experience there is a blessing and strength in knowing others are praying for you.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Earlier in the week one morning after I had just handed Ruth her eggs for breakfast she looked up at me and said "Mommy I miss Hezekiah." I put the spatula down and walked over to her and looked into her eyes and told her I missed Hezekiah as well.

Yesterday morning Esther said to me "Mommy it's not fair that our baby died." I got down eye level with her and with tears forming in my eyes told her it wasn't fair but that we had to trust God. She shook her head yes and wrapped her arms around me and we equally enjoyed a moment.

Our precious Hezekiah is talked about everyday in our home by someone. That little boy is loved and missed so much. His 8 days on this Earth have touched us so profoundly. Even though we are going on with life we still deal with all that comes with not having Hezekiah. I think of him so often and think of all the things he would be doing now at 5 months old. I can imagine him being carried around by his older siblings and smiling with joy as they each make him giggle. I know Hezekiah is safe and that I could truly wish no better place for him to be.

Last Sunday we had Esther and Ruth baptized. We were waiting for Hezekiah to be born to get them all baptized together but obviously that could not happen. I dreaded standing up front without Hezekiah, I was so afraid I would emotionally loose it. But I didn't and I am thankful for that. We did sing the Psalms song and that was very hard. I did not sing and fought desperately to maintain my emotions. I don't think I will ever be able to hear that song without shedding tears and thinking of Hezekiah. Anyway a wonderful family from church invited us over to celebrate the baptisms after church and they included a cake for Hezekiah. Hezekiah was baptized shortly after he was born. I cannot even begin to tell you the depth of appreciation and love that we feel towards those that remember Hezekiah. We had a great day and it all ended to quickly as evening set in. What a blessing it was to be included in with this extended family. Thanks to you all!

We have been enjoying the beautiful days and one another. I am so thankful for my husband and children. What a blessing they are to me!