Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I really screwed up last night! After the kids were in bed I headed upstairs and found some things out of sort. But the "topper" (although it did not take much) was someone placed some clothes in the crib on top of Hezekiah's outfit and I lost it. I took all the clothes out and started folding them all the while anger was fueling inside of me. I was so angry that Hezekiah was not here with us truth be told. Here I am sitting around healing for a c-section and I sit with empty arms. WHY? I spent the next 2 hours up working while my husband begged me to stop. Finally I just left, I walked out to the van and took off driving for a 1/2 hour or so. I drove around and had a good cry. When I returned I found my exasperated husband begging me to stop and telling me how sorry he was. What did I say? I told him to just leave me alone. I grabbed Hezekiah's blanket and snuggled it close and cried myself to sleep.
When I awoke this morning I felt really bad about how I had treated Ken and how I had handled myself. After all it is not Ken's fault Hezekiah is not here and he hurts just like I do for him. I apologized and my hubby hugged me and told me he loved me. I also could feel I did to much last night, my incision is a bit sore.
I am struggling...I miss my son!