I am having a terrible day!
We spent the day cleaning up bedrooms, it is amazing how out of place they can become when Mom is not keeping a close eye :) I remember changing the bedrooms around twice this year to meet our family needs. Rearranging the rooms opened the pain again for both of the children we lost this year. We had a "foster" child for 5 months and then lost Hezekiah. I became angry and out loud questioned God and why he would allow these things to happen. WHY? I feel like a drink in a bottle being swished around and at any moment ready for the lid to "pop".
The "pop" came when I opened an insurance envelope and there was an insurance card for Hezekiah. Oh Dear God, I am weak and this is so much more than I can handle. Please help me to deal with this. I cannot do this I so desire my son. He is always on my mind, in my heart and I yearn for him. I wish this was just a bad dream that I could wake up from.
The next "pop" came when my 5 year old asked me when I was going to have another baby that would not die...