Struggling

I struggle with the diagnosis of an anacephalic child. Is it something I did? They think folic acid, undiagnosed diabeties, and environmental issues may play some role in this. I had not been taking pre-natal vitamins in the beginning, I just did not get to the health food store to get them. I don't have diabeties and we do live around a farmer who sprays chemicals oblivious if we are out and about or not. But in Isaiah 44:2 it says " thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb..." If I take scripture for what is says then God purposely did not form Hezekiahs brain and skull closed. And if that is so (which I believe it to be) I struggle with WHY?

I struggle with the fact I may end up with a c-section for this birth. My 1st 3 babies were c-sections for "failure to progress". God took me down a "road" with my 4th baby and I was blessed with my 1st natural birth at home (vbac), with 2 more babies born the same way. Now it appears I am heading backwards. How can this be and why? Why would God take me down a road and then swing me back the other way? And to have major surgery and not even have a precious baby to bring home with me.

I struggle with my faith, yes that is right my faith. I feel so weak that I would even question God and his ways. Who am I? Nothing short of a wretched sinner saved only by God's grace. I deserve nothing but have been blessed beyond measure. The God I love and serve is full of love, grace, compassion, and only wants what is best for me his child. But taking my son...how is that best for me? I get so upset with myself for not just willingly accepting God's decision to take Hezekiah home with him. Why do I fight his will within me? Can I not just praise him and know his ways are best!

I struggle with how I will actually be able to go on once my son has passed this Earth. Dear God, how am I to even lift my head once he is taken into your arms?. My body will cry out for Hezekiah, this little one you placed in my womb. My heart will ache for him the rest of my days on this Earth. The pain, the desire for him will never cease.
May I ask you once again God to take this from me? Heal my son in Jesus name, make his head whole and perfect so that we might raise him for your glory. Hear my cries, from your unworthy servant. And God if you take my son home, give me the strength to deal with it.