Wednesday, January 27, 2010

As I continue to walk the journey of loosing my son I know that I am not alone in my walk. If I was alone I would not be where I am. I of course would so desire not to walk this journey but it is the journey chosen for me. And if I have complete trust in God I will trust him. It is so easy to say God is in control and I will accept what he has for my life when things are going good. But how about when things go bad? Do I continue to trust God and even praise him as I deal with circumstances that are less than desirable?

I admit I have struggled with trusting God in Hezekiah's death. I have driven myself crazy by trying to figure it all out in my mind. How exactly did it happen and why? Even today I caught myself questioning things as I put away the co-sleeper bedding. But I did do one thing different this time. When the questioning came to my mind I made the decision to say out loud "God I trust you". I think for myself I must make the decision to trust God, by his grace. I must come to a point in this that I truly lay it at the cross trusting God is still in control. This does not mean I will not continue to struggle, miss, or cry for my son. I think God understands my emotions and desires. I believe he knows my heart and he has walked beside and at times for me during this journey. He has directed others to reach out to us in various ways. I/we are not alone...

So when I start to think:

-why did Hezekiah have anacephalic and have to die
-how did Hezekiah get anacephalic
-is it my fault for not having enough folic acid in my system
-is it the chemicals sprayed around our home
-did Hezekiah suffer at all by him being dehydrated, should I have gotten him a feeding tube right away
-did he know we loved him or feel our love
-will God ever bless us with another child
-will another child be anacephalic
-how will I continue to move on



  1. Michele,

    I'm continuing to pray for you as you heal from your C-section and are confronted with moments of grief throughout your days.

    Audibly saying "God I trust you" is a great way to place the questions and concerns into God's very capable hands. I'll have to use that one :)

    Much love,

  2. LOVE YOU!!!!!!! You are surrounded by friends and people who love you. Glad you are letting them help and i am encouraged by your faith. PS..How are the kids? Ive been praying for them......

  3. Verbal and audible obedience - VERY WISE. While I never would have volunteered for the loss of my daughter, I can see how He has used it for good, and how it was part of His perfect plan. It's hard, no denying. But yes, continue to remind yourself. He's right there.