As I continue to walk the journey of loosing my son I know that I am not alone in my walk. If I was alone I would not be where I am. I of course would so desire not to walk this journey but it is the journey chosen for me. And if I have complete trust in God I will trust him. It is so easy to say God is in control and I will accept what he has for my life when things are going good. But how about when things go bad? Do I continue to trust God and even praise him as I deal with circumstances that are less than desirable?
I admit I have struggled with trusting God in Hezekiah's death. I have driven myself crazy by trying to figure it all out in my mind. How exactly did it happen and why? Even today I caught myself questioning things as I put away the co-sleeper bedding. But I did do one thing different this time. When the questioning came to my mind I made the decision to say out loud "God I trust you". I think for myself I must make the decision to trust God, by his grace. I must come to a point in this that I truly lay it at the cross trusting God is still in control. This does not mean I will not continue to struggle, miss, or cry for my son. I think God understands my emotions and desires. I believe he knows my heart and he has walked beside and at times for me during this journey. He has directed others to reach out to us in various ways. I/we are not alone...
So when I start to think:
-why did Hezekiah have anacephalic and have to die
-how did Hezekiah get anacephalic
-is it my fault for not having enough folic acid in my system
-is it the chemicals sprayed around our home
-did Hezekiah suffer at all by him being dehydrated, should I have gotten him a feeding tube right away
-did he know we loved him or feel our love
-will God ever bless us with another child
-will another child be anacephalic
-how will I continue to move on
I will say: I TRUST IN YOU GOD, YOU KNOW BETTER THAN I