Saturday, January 30, 2010

Yesterday afternoon we went to Hezekiah's grave site. I was having a hard day and was on the verge of tears all day. I just really wanted to go to Hezekiah despite how cold it was. When we got there we told the children they did not need to get out but could if they wanted to. They all got out and we all cried, Ken prayed for God to love our son (which we know he is) and told Hezekiah we would all be there to see him soon.

We miss him and everyone is showing varying signs of our struggle to deal with the loss of our son and brother.

I think all the decisions and things we had to do occupied my mind before the funeral. Even at the funeral there were so many things and people my mind was somewhat occupied to not just think about all that was happening. I know that sounds silly because it was obvious what happened but now that it is all "quiet" it seems harder to deal with.

Today we received his social security card in the mail...SIGH!!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I am having a terrible day!
We spent the day cleaning up bedrooms, it is amazing how out of place they can become when Mom is not keeping a close eye :) I remember changing the bedrooms around twice this year to meet our family needs. Rearranging the rooms opened the pain again for both of the children we lost this year. We had a "foster" child for 5 months and then lost Hezekiah. I became angry and out loud questioned God and why he would allow these things to happen. WHY? I feel like a drink in a bottle being swished around and at any moment ready for the lid to "pop".

The "pop" came when I opened an insurance envelope and there was an insurance card for Hezekiah. Oh Dear God, I am weak and this is so much more than I can handle. Please help me to deal with this. I cannot do this I so desire my son. He is always on my mind, in my heart and I yearn for him. I wish this was just a bad dream that I could wake up from.

The next "pop" came when my 5 year old asked me when I was going to have another baby that would not die...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

As I continue to walk the journey of loosing my son I know that I am not alone in my walk. If I was alone I would not be where I am. I of course would so desire not to walk this journey but it is the journey chosen for me. And if I have complete trust in God I will trust him. It is so easy to say God is in control and I will accept what he has for my life when things are going good. But how about when things go bad? Do I continue to trust God and even praise him as I deal with circumstances that are less than desirable?

I admit I have struggled with trusting God in Hezekiah's death. I have driven myself crazy by trying to figure it all out in my mind. How exactly did it happen and why? Even today I caught myself questioning things as I put away the co-sleeper bedding. But I did do one thing different this time. When the questioning came to my mind I made the decision to say out loud "God I trust you". I think for myself I must make the decision to trust God, by his grace. I must come to a point in this that I truly lay it at the cross trusting God is still in control. This does not mean I will not continue to struggle, miss, or cry for my son. I think God understands my emotions and desires. I believe he knows my heart and he has walked beside and at times for me during this journey. He has directed others to reach out to us in various ways. I/we are not alone...

So when I start to think:

-why did Hezekiah have anacephalic and have to die
-how did Hezekiah get anacephalic
-is it my fault for not having enough folic acid in my system
-is it the chemicals sprayed around our home
-did Hezekiah suffer at all by him being dehydrated, should I have gotten him a feeding tube right away
-did he know we loved him or feel our love
-will God ever bless us with another child
-will another child be anacephalic
-how will I continue to move on


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am thankful:

-that God sent his son Jesus so all those who believe might have eternal life

-God chose me to carry Hezekiah in my womb, to feel his kicks and movements, to hear his heartbeat and to love him

-Hezekiah was baptized

-that Hezekiah lived 8 days. God blessed our family with 8 wonderful, joyful, precious, never forgotten days with our son/brother. We were thankful to love, kiss, cuddle, and care for Hezekiah

-that Hezekiah passed into eternity peacefully

-for all the pictures and memories we have of Hezekiah, they are cherished

-for all the prayers, love, and concern for us from so many people.

-for a wonderful husband and 7 precious children

I am choosing to concentrate on the positive this evening!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Dear Hezekiah,

Last night when I went to bed I did my "new normal", I picked up your outfit you wore last and put it to my face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe in to try and pick up your scent once again. I started to cry and I realized your scent is almost gone. I then headed over to our bed and took the blanket you last used off the co-sleeper and tried once again to smell your wonderful baby scent. I laid your blanket over my pillow clutched it tightly and cried myself to sleep once again.

My dear son, I miss you so much. My heart aches to love you, my lips want to kiss your sweet cheeks, my arms desire to hold you, and I my whole self desire to mother you. There is an empty feeling inside of me and as I go about my day all I think about is you. I try my best to keep my emotions in control and be a mom to your brothers and sisters. They need me and I must be there for them and I admit the distractions are welcome at times.

I look at your pictures a million times that are hung on our wall. I smile when I think of the time I had with you. Remembering your smiles and how you would light up and coo whenever I changed your head dressing. How when I rub your chin you would instantly smile and all your beautiful brown hair. Oh how I miss those 8 days and cling to every memory I had with you. My life has been turned upside down and never before have I hurt so deeply.
I love you Hezekiah!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

You know God is absolutely amazing how he gives me strength just when I need it.

I dreaded going to Hezekiah's funeral because I knew seeing his body was going to hurt and bring out pain and emotions. We decided to go an hour early to have time alone with him as a family and it was the right decision for us. The minute I saw him I lost it emotionally, it was almost like there was so much bottled up and at that moment of seeing him I exploded. Seeing my precious son's body was a direct, cruel reminder that he was gone and how I ached from the reality of it all. I watched as my husband and our other 6 children cried and touched his beautiful face and fingers. That made me cry even more. We spent the hour praying, talking, and touching our precious son/brother. I took in every inch of his body and told him how much we missed and loved him. Of course, this is more for myself because he is in Heaven rejoicing. I often think when I am sad he is saying from above "Mommy don't cry for me I am in paradise".
Once our hour was up we felt ok for the rest of the day even though some times were hard.

I think we all agreed that standing up front with everyone watching us was the part we liked the least. My incision was a bit sore from all the sitting and standing and I had this very wiggly 5 year old beside me. :) The kids each signed a baseball for Hezekiah writing their own message on them. The one said "See you in Heaven little bro". They put their baseballs in, Ken prayed and closed the casket. We appreciated the service Pastor Gregg prepared, he has been amazing during this entire situation. After the service Hezekiah was carried out by his brothers and it was delightful yet hard to see this. I know if Hezekiah were here his brothers would be adoring him and watching over him, they have prayed for a brother for so long. It is one thing to ache yourself but to see your children ache hurts even more.

The burial was hard yet needed to be done. One of the children struggled so it took my mind off of myself to comfort them. Both Ken and I agreed the day went well for what it was. I had 2 college friends surprise me by showing up and what a blessing that was. They came over to our house after wards and it was a wonderful distraction. Thanks Amy and Autumn :)

We were blessed to have many loving people in our lives attend Hezekiah's service. From family, friends (old and new), church family, nurses who cared for me in the hospital, Hezekiah's neonatologist, pediatrician, and some wonderful children. Thank you to all who came, you truly touched our lives by taking time out of your schedule on a Saturday to come be with us. Thank you does not seem enough as it meant so much to us.

So tomorrow we start school up again and go about our lives. Hezekiah will never be forgotten and we will still have our moments where we cry and ache for our son. I can't imagine just forgetting him but at the same time we cannot mourn forever.

Because of Christ, our hope we can go on. He will give us strength when we are weary, he will comfort us when we ache, he gives faith when we have not wisdom, he carries us when we cannot go on and he heals our broken hearts. Without God, this would be impossible but with God all things are possible! Blessed be the name of the Lord

Continue to pray for us and for others around you that may be hurting. Prayer is amazing!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Tomorrow is going to be another one of the hardest days of my life. God give me strength, help me to think eternal not earthly as I see my sons body for the last time!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Satan is laughing at my grief. He finds amusement from our broken hearts, tears, and endless questions of why. He is a wicked enemy of mine that I despise now more than ever.
He is the enemy behind all evil, he sets out to kill, destroy, and that he has done to our sweet Hezekiah. He has taken his body from this Earth in such a tragic way. But he must be foolish to think it is over because it is not. I tell you it is not finished.

Our son, our 7th arrow is in Heaven with his creator. Hezekiah stands with the Lord rejoicing with his wonderful loving Father.

HA... Satan in your face you vile thing, God always wins. And now our 6 arrows on this Earth are being trained with the truth and knowledge of your wickedness. They know how you are the devious destroyer behind all things. For our enemy is not flesh and blood but against Satan. My children have seen their brother's blood on your hands. As courageous warriors they shall fight in God's army with truth. By God's power and grace you Satan will be destroyed in God's perfect timing.

So laugh, laugh away because behind these tears I laugh. I laugh knowing you will be destroyed and Christ will reign forever. I will see Hezekiah again and will live forever in eternity.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I really screwed up last night! After the kids were in bed I headed upstairs and found some things out of sort. But the "topper" (although it did not take much) was someone placed some clothes in the crib on top of Hezekiah's outfit and I lost it. I took all the clothes out and started folding them all the while anger was fueling inside of me. I was so angry that Hezekiah was not here with us truth be told. Here I am sitting around healing for a c-section and I sit with empty arms. WHY? I spent the next 2 hours up working while my husband begged me to stop. Finally I just left, I walked out to the van and took off driving for a 1/2 hour or so. I drove around and had a good cry. When I returned I found my exasperated husband begging me to stop and telling me how sorry he was. What did I say? I told him to just leave me alone. I grabbed Hezekiah's blanket and snuggled it close and cried myself to sleep.
When I awoke this morning I felt really bad about how I had treated Ken and how I had handled myself. After all it is not Ken's fault Hezekiah is not here and he hurts just like I do for him. I apologized and my hubby hugged me and told me he loved me. I also could feel I did to much last night, my incision is a bit sore.
I am struggling...I miss my son!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Deceased...this is the word that came across the screen as I took Hezekiah off our insurance policy. Seeing that word hurt deep within and it brought on the tears that always seem to be right there ready to flow. Of course, it is the truth but it was like picking a fresh scab off my healing wound. I am so thankful for a loving husband who is always willing to stop what he is doing and hug and comfort me when I need it. He is more than I deserve and I am blessed to have him!
I love you Ken and my little peanut I miss you more than words can say.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Lord, let me have joy in the midst of sorrow, bless my womb and keep it safe.

In the sorrow of loosing Hezekiah I pray God gives me joy. I sincerely want to grieve in the proper way and not loose focus on eternity. I want to think eternally not earthly, I want to die to myself and seek that which the Lord desires. I do not want Hezekiahs life to just pass by without learning what God has from this. I don't want to walk around as someone who does not have hope, the hope that God is in control and that I will see my son again.

I also pray God protects and blesses my womb. I have prayed that prayer often in the past 10 years or so. I see children as a blessing from God given to us parents to raise for his glory. I know my childbearing years are coming to an end as I age, and I find myself sad at that thought. But I realize it is a part of God's wonderful plan. Due to my 1st 3 births being c -sections and having home births with my next 3 I diligently prayed for safety for my womb. God led me down a road against medical advice and protected me. Even this time God protected me and I am in complete peace with the c-section that I had.

When I found out about Hezekiah being anacephalic I questioned God for a time wondering why he would allow this to happen? To be honest I still wonder but each time I do I remind myself that God knows better than I and I trust him.
I also had a hard time at first seeing the blessing in carrying my son in my womb knowing I would loose him shortly after birth. But now I see the blessing in pieces at times. It truly was a blessing to carry Hezekiah in my womb. To feel him move within and to love him as I cared for him. The joy he brought to us all is something I will always remember. As we would watch him move within and each sibling would try to get him to kick them. Delightful giggles always abounded during this time. At night Ken would always get Hezekiah to move and he enjoyed when he responded to him with his little kicks. Then he would roll over chuckling knowing I'd be up for a bit : ) We had joy when we picked out a boy and girl outfit. Have you ever taken 6 wee one's into Carter's to pick out only 1 boy and 1 girl outfit with varying opinions? The kids had such fun doing this and the normal plan is they would learn if their sibling was boy or girl by which outfit he/she was wearing when they first saw him/her. It did not work out as we planned but it did work out the way God planned.

What JOY we had when Hezekiah lived, I remember being in the hospital the 2nd day and having such joy and peace. I was so happy that God had heard the prayers of many to give us some time. And even more joy followed when we brought him home, that was a prayer of mine to be able to bring him home. The days that followed were of more joy as we cared for this special blessing God gave us. Every simple thing brought us joy, and the thought of him passing seemed to disappear until a few days later when he started to show physical signs of his body shutting down. And now after he has left us we find joy in talking about him and looking at his pictures. Hezekiah brought us such joy!

Of course, I miss him. Every part of me cries out for my son, the ache is a constant ache deep within. Today when I passed the crib and saw his outfit he last wore I picked it up and held it close. I could still smell his scent on it and I wept as I clung onto one of the physical things I have of his. How I so desire to have him here in my arms now. I long for my son and I cry for him in my heart always. Not a minute goes past that I do not think of my sweet Hezekiah.

However, God is amazing in giving us peace, comfort, and surrounding us with others who are showing their love in various ways. I cannot imagine not having the love and concern of others, it has been a support that is very much needed.

I am not looking forward to Saturday although I realize it must be done. To see my son's physical body is going to be hard. I know I will struggle with the "eternal and earthly" then. My God will carry me though, he will carry our family during that time.
God is amazing and as we sang "How Great Thou Art" as a family tonight I realized just how great he is as I thought of Hezekiah and his life. And I continue to pray Dear God give me joy, bless and protect my womb fully trusting in you!

Celebrating Hezekiah's life

We will be celebrating Hezekiah's life on Saturday January 23 at Risser's Mennonite Church. The viewing starts at 1 p.m., funeral at 2p.m. and so on. All are welcome (including children). The church address is 8360 Elizabethtown Road Elizabethtown, PA 17022

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I miss my Hezekiah, I miss everything about him. I miss him always but today is especially hard.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Such tragedy as loosing your beloved son will leave not only heartache but it will change you. Our precious Hezekiah has been the reason we pray more, talk more, cry more , and think deeply these past couple days. There is so much I want to share but it is such a variety of thoughts that I need to stick to one thing at a time.

I will start with how we are doing. We have a peace from God and I know this comes from the prayers of many. THANK YOU! We hurt, we ache, we miss Hezekiah deeply and we as a family are dealing with our loss together. It has made us even closer as we are all "open and raw" with each other. Our children have become even more precious to Ken and I as we have experienced the loss of one of them. We have been savoring every moment with them all laughing, crying, and living.

My thoughts go to our "outer shells". Hezekiah had an obvious birth defect on his head. I was nervous how I would deal with it before he was born. However, at first glance it was not a pretty sight but I easily over looked it. I changed his dressings, put antibiotics on his head, and took care of it as a mother would. Ken and the children also openly accepted it and we all loved Hezekiah regardless of his obvious head defect. We saw so much deeper with Hezekiah, we saw beyond his "shell". I think it is fair to say it is easy to do this with someone you love. But what about others that are not so easy to love?

It brought me to thinking about how we deal with others on a daily basis. Do we look beyond their "shell" to see the preciousness of life? The shell is just an outside cover and truly it is not the important part of any person, it is earthly not eternal. I think that God would have us look beyond the outer shell at all times realizing that our responses to others should always be that of love. Can we see deeper as God does? Can we leave it up to God to change hearts as we just show love? Can we not make judgments about someone? I am not saying we should allow blatant sin into our homes or lives. I am saying can we love and show genuine love and let God do the rest? God can move mountains, part seas, heal the sick, create we know he has the power to do amazing things. Instead of fighting it out why not show love and spend time on our knees? Why not?

Some would not have been able to see beyond Hezekiah's birth defect. I will admit I have not been able to see beyond some people's "shells" but God has used Hezekiah to open my eyes to see! I will always remember: Be careful in what you think of another person, you do not know the inner part, inner hurts, inner struggles. Always think the best of someone, and show them that you love them. Let God deal with the injustices of others. If a persons outer shell is not perfect or they have chosen to look "different" look beyond it. Look at others the way God looks at us! Life is so different when you look at people in this manner. There is a joy and a peace knowing God is in control and HE CAN make the difference. LOVE ALWAYS and reach out to those around us!

On a funny note, the picture above is of my love. He has been Mr. Mom here as I am recovering from a c-section and this is how I caught him one night after he put the kids to bed. He says he is ready to go back to work for a vacation :) I LOVE THIS MAN, truly my knight in shining armor!!

Friday, January 15, 2010

I miss my Hezekiah, we miss Hezekiah. The house is no longer the same with him not being here. There are so many reminders of him and each one brings fresh tears. My arms ache for my son, even my breasts cry out his name. Oh Dear God I shall not question your ways or when I start to I will fight it with all that is within me. I know your ways are best and you know better than I. But this ache is one I have never felt before and it is so very deep. I don't know how it will ever stop.
I miss rubbing my finger across his sweet little lips and cheeks, kissing his sweet chubby cheeks, and holding his precious little self in my arms. I cannot just put away my Mothering instincts, I so desire him. Oh my sweet Hezekiah, Mommy loves you! Your Daddy, H, E, S, N, E, & R love you so much as well.

I still thank the Lord for giving Hezekiah to us, we were so blessed to have such a wonderful little boy. He may have had an outward birth defect but it was overlooked by us. Hezekiah was a blessing and someday I will see it all clearly. Someday I will be with my son again, that brings comfort!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hezekiah is in the arms of Jesus.
Hezekiah is refusing to eat, he is crying on and off and having seizures. We beg for your prayers, there are no words to describe the pain of watching our son fade away. Dear God please have mercy, I beg you. Please Dear God show your grace on our precious son. Show your mercy to us heal our son. Love our son!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dear God please love our son

Dear God,
I beg for your grace and mercy. I simply need you and cannot go at this any longer, I am desperate for you. To see my son go from being possibly unconscious to waking, crying loudly, turning purple, and gasping is more than I can take. I beg you to heal my son, make him whole. Dear God please this is to much that you are asking of me. I am weak, weary unable to handle this anymore. My heart is being ripped from within, I am full of fear, and I simply am begging you to love our son. Please do not have him suffer. We have no wisdom to figure out exactly what is going on with sweet Hezekiah, we are left guessing. And as a Mother I feel helpless and want to help my baby. God, please you know the hurt of when your children hurt, please have mercy on us! Please God you have shown yourself faithful to us continually during the situation with Hezekiah do not leave us stranded. Make yourself known, give us wisdom, love our son and make him whole. Please God please.

Last night I remember walking with Hezekiah in my arms in perfect peace. My mind went to a miracle and how wonderful it would be. I also am reminded of our son S who with such faith often says "Mom, God can heal Hezekiah".
Later today around 7:00 p.m. Hezekiah started showing signs his system was slowing down. He has not ate much at all and his diaper has been dry. His eyes turned darker and his skin did not look good. We were in tears and distress as we tried to deal with what we thought was our son passing away. We truly thought "this is it" which brought us to our knees in prayer. Ken took sweet Hezekiah in his arms and he prayed for complete healing for our son. His words "Jesus love my son" are the same prayer I also have. At one point Ken told me to try to feed him again, I tried nursing him and he would not nurse but I just dropped some milk in his mouth. He struggled to drink but we persisted, and eventually he started to suck as he nursed. It was not long but Ken and I both cried and left out a Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus for loving our son! A bit later Hezekiah opened both eyes totally (which is not normal) and he started to move his arms all over (which is not normal) and he cried out loud a normal baby cry (which is not normal). It scared us beyond words as we thought he was in pain or perhaps this was "it" again. Ken continued to pray out loud for complete healing and to love our son. Hezekiah did this a few more times and when he was done he looked refreshed in his face and his eyes were no longer blue. We think what we saw was Hezekiah coming out of unconsciousness. It was amazing, we praise God for his goodness.

I want to ask you all to pray for Hezekiah specifically for healing and eating. I realize God will have his way despite our desires. I also realize healing may not be on this Earth but instead when he enters his creator's arms. We are willing to accept God's plan and will praise him regardless of the outcome.
With eating if Hezekiah does not eat well tonight we are going to need to make the decision on giving him a feeding tube in the morning. It is not our desire to do this however, we cannot just let him starve. Continue to pray for us we need your prayers desperately!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

We are in love with our sweet Hezekiah!

Hezekiah is continuing to be a source of joy in our home. We love caring for him and having him at home with us as a family. He is always being held by someone and at times we are all wanting him at the same time.

Hezekiah physically is starting to show signs that he will soon meet our maker. There is no defined time period it will just happen over a period of time which has already been ordained by God. He does not have an infection on his head. We took him to our wonderful Pediatrician today Dr. S and she said the "gook" is his body trying to "fix" his head which obviously cannot happen. She also very thoroughly explained the process of what is yet to come. Being with her reconfirmed to me that God knew exactly what he was doing 13 years ago when I first met her with our 1st arrow. I only regret forgetting our camera to take a picture of her with him. It touched my heart that she wanted to hold him and did. Her genuine love was apparent.
Hezekiah is not eating much at all, he is sleeping contently most of the time and is in no apparent pain.

We are just going to continue caring for him and pray for God's strength. I cannot even explain to you how hard it is to sit and watch our son slowly get weaker and weaker. It is a helpless feeling that I so desire to fix but cannot. I often think this is more than I can handle, well not think I KNOW it is more than I can handle. God has a plan and we continue to cling to his promises.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for Hezekiah that he suffers no pain and passes quickly and safely into the arms of his creator. We appreciate all the support of love from those we know and those we don't. Prayer is an amazing thing and this situation has confirmed that to us even more.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Great is thy faithfulness...those are the words that enter my mind over and over the past few days. Despite the wretched circumstances, God is faithful! We are enjoying our little peanut (his nickname) so much, each moment is precious. Hezekiah is doing well still except for 2 areas. His open head is showing signs of infection, it appears to only be surface so we are treating it with an antibiotic. He is not uncomfortable and he does not seem to mind it at all. He puts on quite a show for us when I change his head dressing. His face lights up with a huge smile and he coo's loudly to us, it amazes us and we relish it. He also smiles when we touch his sweet face and chin. He has the most perfect, cute, adorable, little lips :) Hezekiah also is dehydrated, his mouth inside is very small so we are feeding him with a syringe. I have started to feed him 6 ml every hour to make sure he is getting nourishment. It takes a 1/2 hour to feed him as I can only give him a little bit at a time so he does not choke. He takes it well although this evening he seemed to struggle with it a bit. We are praying those 2 issues do not cause him any trouble and that we can take care of them quickly. We continue to pray for Hezekiah to suffer no pain. We do not know how long he will be with us but we feel so blessed to have this precious child in our care. His is SO loved by us all!

On Saturday when we arrived home we gave the children their gifts from Hezekiah. We always buy the children a gift from the baby and I am so thankful Hezekiah came home so we could do that. After the children opened their gifts Ken walked over to me and handed me a package and said "This is from Hezekiah". I was surprised because we do not normally buy gifts for one another from the baby. I opened it and it was a Mother's ring shaped like a heart with Hezekiah's birth stone in it. I was trying so hard not to cry but I could not help but weep. And OH how it hurt my incision to cry but that gift was priceless. I have got a great man, so thoughtful!

I am recovering well although I am not getting the sleep I need. It does not appear it will get better anytime soon with Hezekiah being fed every hour but I would not have it any other way.
We appreciate your prayers, comments, and love. In time we will respond to everyone but for now we are enjoying every moment with our son. We thank you for understanding.

Now for some details on our precious Hezekiah. He arrived on Thursday January 7, 2010 at 8:51 a.m. weighing in at 6lbs 3 oz and 19 inches long. He shares a birthday with his sister E :) Hezekiah has been a pure source of joy for us these past couple days. We have loved every precious inch of our son/brother that God has blessed us with. We enjoy him immensely and have been savoring every minute with him knowing soon he will be with Jesus.

Hezekiah nursed for a bit at first but has been unable to latch on since. His mouth is very small and he does not seem to have a desire to eat. I have been syringe feeding him every 3-4 hours and am thankful for each gulp he takes. He absolutely delights us with his smiles and noises he makes. When I change his head dressing he smiles so much and coo's out loud like no other time. I love to see him smile and hear his baby talk. He gets the attention of all around when he does that :)

For now Hezekiah is home with us. It was an answer to my prayer that he would at least come home. I am thankful that God allowed him to come home. You can continue to pray for him as we know his time is short. It is evident to Ken and I that he is slowly getting worse in his eating and breathing. We are concentrating on the life and time we have with him yet in our hearts we know we soon will loose our precious son here on this Earth. Please pray that Hezekiah will not suffer until God takes him home. Pray for us as we care for him and as we hold onto God's promises for our son. Pray for our older children as they each are dealing with this situation in their own way.

As for answered prayers: When I went in on Thursday morning I was of course an emotional wreck but I also could not understand why God had not answered any of my prayers. How foolish I was to not remember the love, compassion, and protection God has for me. When the doctor got into my uterus he told Ken it was 1mm (paper thin) where my previous scars were. A uterus is normally 3 centimeters thick. God protected me and my uterus!
I prayed Hezekiah would live so that we might have some time with him and even bring him home for a small time. As of this moment Hezekiah is still alive (although his breathing is getting harder for him) and we brought him home. God answered all 3 of my requests! Praise the Lord!

We were blessed beyond measure with some wonderful people who cared for us during our time at Woman's and Babies. Their genuine love, compassion, and graciousness will never be forgotten. I have so much more I want to write but it will need to be done over time, for now in this very moment we want to spend every second with our precious son. He is a blessing that has impacted our lives in a way we never realized and his little life has changed us forever. I am so thankful God chose Hezekiah for us, I truly could not imagine life without him even if it be brief.

Thanks for your prayers, continue to pray for healing for me with my c-section. Also for us all as we have a long journey to yet walk in the days ahead. And again for Hezekiah that he does not suffer and he passes into the arms of Jesus in a peaceful way.
God bless

Saturday, January 9, 2010


Hezekiah and I arrived home around 4 p.m. this afternoon. We are enjoying him and I will post more later. We love him so dearly!!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Tonight will be the last time I write on my blog with my sweet Hezekiah in my womb. As I am typing he is kicking me within and what a delight it is to feel him alive within. Today was a busy day getting everything ready for tomorrow. At this time the house is quiet and everyone is fast asleep but me. I am finishing up some laundry and can't sleep anyway so thought I would do something productive.

This evening we spent the time talking with the children. We answered all their questions about tomorrow and all that is going to happen in the next few days/weeks. Some of the children cried so much for you, this is harder for them than I realized. It was heart wrenching to hear them cry and to see their pain. We held them, wiped their tears, and reminded them that God knows best and we must trust him. We also reminded them of the hope that we will see Hezekiah again in Heaven. One of the children reminded me that God can still heal Hezekiah and we agreed that he could. And that is our prayer, but we must leave it up to God have faith he knows best. As we prayed as a family I was so thankful for what God has blessed me with.

I brought down a blanket that was mine as an infant and decided to use it for Hezekiah. I also made up his co-sleeper that Ken made specifically for him in case he would come home. I love it so much and wish I would have had it from our oldest on down to use.

Tonight and tomorrow are going to be very hard in all aspects but we are clinging to God's promises and our Faith is strong. May Hezekiah's life be a testimony of God and his grace. We trust in the God who formed us within our own Mother's womb and gives us our each breath. This journey is not one we would choose but we know God's ways are perfect. So Hezekiah, tomorrow my son, I will meet you face to face and I shall cherish every second we have with you. By God's grace we will get through this. I LOVE YOU HEZEKIAH, WE ALL LOVE YOU HEZEKIAH!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Today we spent the entire day baking, making some breakfast meals for when I am resting from my c-section. I am exhausted but enjoyed the day with the kids. We spoke a lot about you Hezekiah and very openly. Your brothers and sisters asked some very direct, loving, and curious questions about you, Heaven, and how things will work out in the next few days. I am glad our conversations went to you and this, I think it helps them as well. Kids have such an amazing way of seemingly just going on but today I could really tell how deeply your siblings are hurting. They spoke how amazing it would be if God would heal you and if not how they would see you in Heaven someday. We shed some tears and gave lots of hugs as we worked and chatted. I love when your brothers and sisters come up to my belly and put their hands on you and tell you how much they love you. Your 2 youngest sisters are constantly kissing my belly while your older siblings try to get you to move so they can feel you. I am thankful for their love for you and that they realize life in the womb is life and very precious!

It is only 2 more days until we meet you unless of course you decide to arrive on your own. I would be very thankful for that :) We are all anxious to meet you but at the same time it is sad because we know you will also soon be leaving us. We pray and hope for a few days with you, we so want to bring you home. But these decisions are in the hands of the Lord and we trust him with his decisions. I cannot wait to see your sweet self, to hold you and love you. I know your Daddy and siblings feel the same way. Your Daddy will be the first to hold you and I am thankful for that. Your brothers and sisters will be eagerly waiting for my c-section to be done so they can also greet you. Hezekiah these next few days are going to be the hardest days of my life, of our families life. Yet, it is drawing us closer than we ever imagined possible and it has given us a sensitivity in areas we never had before. It is forcing us to think beyond what we have ever thought before. I don't know how we will make it but I know we will. My son, my heart is broken, my dreams are shattered, and my life is a mess right now. However, those are all about me and the me attitude is from hell. My soul desire is to serve the Lord and be used by him in the way he wants. I never imagined my womb being blessed only to have empty arms after wards. Truly it is an eartly Mother's greatest heartache!

So Hezekiah at the cross I lay my hopes, desires, and dreams. Giving them to my God who created you within my womb. He knows better than I and he will wipe my tears and hold me up when I can no longer go. God is God and our faith in him will help us to go on. Your life on this Earth will not be in vain, we look forward to meeting you our precious son and brother.

Please continue to pray for us

Monday, January 4, 2010


I struggle with the diagnosis of an anacephalic child. Is it something I did? They think folic acid, undiagnosed diabeties, and environmental issues may play some role in this. I had not been taking pre-natal vitamins in the beginning, I just did not get to the health food store to get them. I don't have diabeties and we do live around a farmer who sprays chemicals oblivious if we are out and about or not. But in Isaiah 44:2 it says " thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb..." If I take scripture for what is says then God purposely did not form Hezekiahs brain and skull closed. And if that is so (which I believe it to be) I struggle with WHY?

I struggle with the fact I may end up with a c-section for this birth. My 1st 3 babies were c-sections for "failure to progress". God took me down a "road" with my 4th baby and I was blessed with my 1st natural birth at home (vbac), with 2 more babies born the same way. Now it appears I am heading backwards. How can this be and why? Why would God take me down a road and then swing me back the other way? And to have major surgery and not even have a precious baby to bring home with me.

I struggle with my faith, yes that is right my faith. I feel so weak that I would even question God and his ways. Who am I? Nothing short of a wretched sinner saved only by God's grace. I deserve nothing but have been blessed beyond measure. The God I love and serve is full of love, grace, compassion, and only wants what is best for me his child. But taking my is that best for me? I get so upset with myself for not just willingly accepting God's decision to take Hezekiah home with him. Why do I fight his will within me? Can I not just praise him and know his ways are best!

I struggle with how I will actually be able to go on once my son has passed this Earth. Dear God, how am I to even lift my head once he is taken into your arms?. My body will cry out for Hezekiah, this little one you placed in my womb. My heart will ache for him the rest of my days on this Earth. The pain, the desire for him will never cease.
May I ask you once again God to take this from me? Heal my son in Jesus name, make his head whole and perfect so that we might raise him for your glory. Hear my cries, from your unworthy servant. And God if you take my son home, give me the strength to deal with it.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I am up unable to sleep. It is not uncommon since the December 3rd diagnosis of Hezekiah as my brain seems to work much more at night. I also have a cold...UGH!! I just drank some orange juice with grapefruit seed and it has caused Hezekiah to awake and move within. These movements are so precious to me and I absolutely dread for them to stop. If Hezekiah was not anecephalic I would be really desiring for him to exit my womb. But knowing his life will be short I want to keep him forever in my womb safe and sound. Obviously that is not reality and it breaks my heart.

I had a really bad day yesterday. I was just plain angry and desired things to be different. One minute I am accepting, the next I am loosing it. I beg God to take this from me, I tell him I cannot handle it. I am weak and have clearly seen my lack of faith at times during this "storm". With the day soon here that Hezekiah will be born I am struggling. I am desperate to change this course, I am desperate for my son to live. The thought of what is to yet come is so overwhelming, I cannot imagine it being anything but wretched. How can a family loose a son/brother they so dearly love and want and it not be miserable? I know it will be God's grace, yet the ache is unbearable when I even think of it. The tears are endless along with the unanswered questions.

Dear God may I once again ask you to heal my son, with your mighty hand form his brain and skull to be perfect. Let his healing be a testimony of you and your greatness. However, God if you choose to take my son home with you, please give me strength! Despite it all I do trust in you.