On Sunday evening we put up a Christmas tree in our living room. I watched the children as they decorated the tree and they had such fun. It was a delight to watch them and talk over each ornament. Our ornaments are mostly the hallmark kids ones that mark special years or events with lots of pictures of the children as they grow up. That is when it hit me, while pulling them out and looking at each of their baby's first christmas, first year etc... I thought of Hezekiah. I did not want to ruin the moment so I held my emotions in until all the children were in bed and then I literally collapsed in Ken's arms. It felt good to let it all out and talk about everything with Ken.

So I need to get Hezekiah a hallmark babys first christmas, but I need to make sure I don't loose my emotions as I do it. These moments are hard...

Last week my dear friend Wendy made a surprise visit to our home. Wendy is a friend to both Ken and I and we love her dearly. She is a precious, loving, and kind person and her heart is very sensitive to those who are hurting. Wendy is a gem and I am thankful God placed her in my life so many years ago.

She brought us a small gift bag with Happy Birthday plates, a cake mix, icing, and some fun games to play for Hezekiah's birthday. What a thoughtful thing to do and we cannot wait to use this bag on January 7th when Hezekiah will be 1 year old.

Thank you Wendy!

Oh and don't mind our appearance in the picture we just got back from the gym :)

Today we celebrated Hannah, Naomi, and Esther's birthday. If Hezekiah were here we would have celebrated his 1st birthday with him as well. These times of "what could have been" are emotionally hard and physically draining. I made a big castle cake for the 3 girls and as I was making it I thought of how I would also be making a boy cake if Hezekiah were here. I made the cake and icing from scratch and it was a lot of work. So between my ache with Hezekiah and the icing mess up I ended up in tears. I put to much water in the icing and did not realize it until I had the entire cake iced and had the rest in icing bags ready to decorate. My dear husband wrapped his comforting arms around me and assured me it would all be ok. He encouraged me to clean up and go to bed so I did. It worked out my girls and boys were in awe with the cake and it tasted great despite how it looked. I was delighted to hear the giggles of delight coming out of their mouths as they saw the cake in the morning. This situation with the cake made me think of my son. Everything is a mess and does not look or feel good but I know from God's word and promises that it will all turn out great. One day I will see and I will be thankful God did things exactly as he has chosen to do.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Sometimes it feels like I am living in a globe watching life continue to go on as I am stuck in time. My globe has been shaken and there is still so many things floating around that I cannot yet come out. My heart desires to go back to what was before December 3, 2009 yet I realize things will never be the same. I will never be the same person, my husband and children will never be the same. I think if only I could break the globe open and just force myself to not see or acknowledge some of the pain and emotions it would be better. Yet, I know deep within I need for now to just sit and embrace all the things coming my way. I know many people cannot understand or even grasp my behaviour and pain. In their opinions I should just get over it, move on, and have this super power to surpress it all. To be honest I sometimes wish I could just get over it. But with all this pain I am growing, I am learning lessons I never would have learned. I do have power through Christ as he is sustaining me, he helps me to rise and see each day as a blessing. HE is my strength and he has me right where he wants me. I am questioning and seeking. I am leaning on my saviour and gaining strength to move forward. The day will come when my globe will break open and I shall by God's strength be strong. How foolish I would be to rush this process and miss all I am learning. I am weak but he is strong!

The past few days I have felt an underlying sadness that cannot be put aside. I always feel like crying and when I finally do cry my tears there are many. Once done crying there is eagerly yet a new set of tears ready to flow. As I prepare to celebrate Christ's birth I feel overwhelmed with many emotions. I get frustrated with myself as I struggle to totally give my son to the Lord. Of course, Hezekiah is with God the struggle is within me and my proud, arrogant self. How can I think I know better than God? If he says it's in my best interest for Hezekiah to be with him why do I question it? I find myself weak in my faith at times as I struggle beleiving all that I know is true. When I can't understand or see the big picture per say I struggle with it. I have faith and know God knows, that I freely admit but to surrender my desire is hard.

My heart desires to serve the Lord with all that is within me. I praise his holy name and know he is God. For now he carries me until I am strong enough to stand on my own!

11 months old and the quilt

Yesterday Hezekiah was 11 months old. It's hard to believe it has been that long yet at times it seems like only yesterday I was holding my precious son in my arms. These milestones are hard and each one is a reminder of what is not. I remind myself of the truths yet my heart still aches and the tears still flow.

A few months ago some ladies and girls from our church made us a quilt. They used some of Hezekiah's clothes and blankets to make it. The quilt is such a blessing to us and we cherish it. I appreciate the love and time put into this quilt, we appreciate Hezekiah being remembered. Thank you All Saints girls and ladies!

Above are some pictures of the quilt and pictures of Hezekiah using the clothes and blankets.

A year ago today

Dearest Hezekiah,
A year ago today we woke up excited because we were going for your 37 week sonogram to see you. We were planning our 4th home birth so we were having a sonogram to check my incision scar from my 3 previous c-sections. Your brothers and sisters were excited because they were each allowed to ask the technician one question about you. The only exception was they weren't allowed to find out if you were a boy or girl.

Once we got to the destination we all eagerly got out of the van and headed in. After about a 20 minute wait the technician came to get me. The room was small so she wanted to do the sonogram first and then bring your brothers and sisters back to ask their questions. Your big sister Hannah came back with me. The technician started and said you were breech, I started to cry because breech meant a c-section and I wanted a natural birth. I then proceded to tell the technician that it was ok we trust God. Little did I know what this technician was seeing as I spoke of my faith in God. Hannah asked the technician why you look like you have 4 eyes. I told Hannah how hard the sonograms are to read and that we can't see them the way professionals can. Little did I know that Hannah did see something...

At some point I knew something was wrong but the technician would not tell me what it was. I begged her to tell me but she said she couldn't. So I walked out of the building crying and told Hannah to tell your daddy to come to the van. Hannah had daddy that I needed a c-section so when he saw me crying at the van he said it's ok Michele it's just a c-section. I started crying even more and told him it's something more than that. Your brothers and sisters never got to come back to see you and as we all sat in the van everyone was quiet and nervous. After 10 minutes our midwife called. All I remember was her saying she was sorry and herself crying. Then I heard the dreaded words that you were not going to live. I threw the phone at your Daddy and jumped out of the van. I ran over to where the Amish park there buggy's and I cried so loudly. I could barely breathe and all I wanted to do was just scream. How could this be true?

After awhile your Daddy came to me with tears in his eyes and wrapped his arms around me. I looked into his eyes for some comfort but could not find any. Together we cried in disbelief at what we had just learned. We went back to the van and there your brothers and sisters were crying and scared. We could not even reassure them because we ourselves were a mess. The ride back home was long and quiet, all to be heard was sniffles from crying. About halfway home I told your Daddy I wanted to know if you were a boy or girl. We both agreed that we wanted to call you by your name. Once home your daddy fell on his knees in the mud room and cried like I have never heard him cry. He was broken, I was broken, and there stood your brothers and sisters at such young tender ages broken.

This day a year ago was wretched and only the beginning of many tears, enormous heartache, and many unknowns. Today there were some tears, some heartache, still some unknowns but there was some laughter.

We miss you and love you sweet boy.

These past 2 weeks have been emotionally rough. I have a sadness within and a deep wound that is still bleeding. I miss Hezekiah so much and whenever I think about him I just cry. It was said to me to "just get over it." Well first that "it" is my son Hezekiah. He is my child whom I wanted, loved, adored, had dreams for, and who lived within my womb. I felt his kicks, warm body, smooth baby skin, dark fine hair, 10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes, chubby cheeks, and his sweet little lips. I held him in my arms, gazed upon every inch of his perfect body. I remember often after everyone was asleep I would just look at him. There were so many feelings and emotions going on in my head that it was overwhelming. I have so much love for my son, so much I want to give. Yet here I am helpless being dragged along by circumstances that are out of my control.

We should all consider our words before we speak. A father, mother, brother, and sister can't just get over someone they love so much. Grief takes time and has it's stages.

10 months old today

Today Hezekiah is 10 months old. The milestones are always hard as it is a reminder of what is not.

We went to a life celebration for a precious baby girl Aliyah today, she went to be with Jesus last week. It was something we as a family wanted to do and we are very thankful we did. We were once again reminded that we do not allow our experiences to change the character of our faith. God's word is the truth and it will always remain, nothing can change that.

After Aliya's service we headed to Hezekiah's gravesite. It was cold and windy out so we did not stay long. It is still hard to look down and know our son's body is down within the dirt but we also look UP and remind ourselves of the truth that Hezekiah is up in Heaven completely healed with our loving Father. We know someday we will see him again and we await that glorious day!

We were also blessed and delighted to see Carol Ann and Sharon at Aliyah's celebration. These ladies along with some other people from Women's and Babies are very dear to our hearts and always will be.
Thank you Lord for this day, although there were tears there was also joy.

I have tried several times before to write this but every time I started I would end up sobbing and just quit. I came to this conclusion a few months ago and I want to share it. As I start to write I feel the tears and the knot in my throat forming.

I wouldn't change Hezekiah's life if I had the chance to do so.

Of course, I want my son to live with me and my heart desperately aches for him. But God has changed me and I don't want to give back what I have learned. If Hezekiah would have lived I would not be where I am now. Wow...that is such a hard thing to say! Ken calls Hezekiah our sharpening stone and that is exactly what he is. God has used our son to open our eyes to so many things. We have learned more than we realized how precious our children are. That we should take each moment with them and make it count. If your a parent you know the daily frustrations that can creep up and make a bad day. Ken and I now have a clear reminder that our children are not to be taken for granted. All those little things that we take for granted we don't have with Hezekiah, there are no diaper changes, sleepless nights, fussy teething baby, no struggling with Math facts or phonics sounds and we feel the loss with Hezekiah. We miss the baby steps he would be taking and we know so many things we will not experience with him.

Love your children, really enjoy them. Get down on your knees and play with them, color with them, invest your time into them. You will never regret taking the time to do this. When your little one goes to talk to you get down eye level and listen to them. When your baby cries, just stop and be thankful that cry is there. The alternative is not appealing! When your older child has an attitude take the time to talk with them, pray, and work together on the issue at hand. When your making dinner or doing dishes and no one is grateful YOU be thankful that those dishes are there. The alternative hurts! Don't worry about your social life you will have that soon enough. Just love your kids and invest everything you have in them. They are eternal, everything else is not. God has given us 7 blessings and we are so thankful for each one of them.

We also have been reminded how precious people are. It is so easy to get caught up in this temporary world that we live in. We tend to allow things to divide us that we should not. God has a plan and place for each one of his children and we need to embrace what he wants. We need to think of others before ourselves, be gracious, loving, forgiving and kind. We ought not be proud or think of ourselves better than anyone else. We should always seek do God's will not our own. We need to go outside our "box" in communicationg and reaching out to others. And above all we need to love as Christ loves us.

We also have a passion to serve God in all area's of our lives. We don't want to be fence walkers, we want to be on fire. As we have learned we need to think heavenly. When I think (earthly) of my son's body in the ground it brings me to a sobbing mess but when I think of his soul (eternally) with our Heavenly Father I can be thankful he is where we all await to be. As I continue to live on this earth I want to think heavenly. I want to use all we have for heavenly reasons, all else seems vain. I want our lives, our home, our possessions, our finances, all that we are to be open and used for God's glory. I want to keep in my mind always that people are more important than things. Of course I always have felt that way but looking back I have not always acted that way. I am thankful for God's love and forgiveness.
So I await the day until I see my son, he is safe and I am continuing by God's grace to improve in this journey. Our prayer and hearts desire continued healing and we know we will always miss Hezekiah because we love him so dearly.

Hezekiah and soaring

This evening I was reading a devotion out of Streams in the Dessert by L.B. Cowman. I read a devotion out of this once daily but this evening decided to go back in the book and read another one. What I read brought me to tears, well what doesn't bring me to tears lately. I am just going to copy what it says becuase there does not need to be an explanation, it speaks perfectly where I want and need to be.

They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)

There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."
The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up the wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.
For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies. They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. THE WEIGHTS HAD BECOME WINGS.

This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God. J.R. Miller

There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity fo rgrowth.
No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with his own hands on our shoulders is blessing. Frederick William Faber

Today was one of those days that I wish I never would have crawled out of bed. It seems everything went wrong, to start I need to go back. I purchased a used treadmill off of craigslist last weekend. It is a brand new expensive treadmill that they barely used so I was delighted with it and the price. It worked great for the 9 days that I used it, then it got stuck on the incline and has not worked since Monday. I felt so good last week the exericise was helping me. Ken spent the afternoon trying to fix it. It appears tomorrow we will find out if it will be a cheap or expensive fix!

I have felt like crying all day and dealing with everyday stresses has been hard. I miss my son so much. I struggle still with the unanswered questions that fill my mind. I don't see light at the end of the tunnel per say. I know it is there but am awaiting the day when God will lift this from me. I realize there will always be an ache for Hezekiah because he is my son and I love him so dearly. How as a mother could I not always have these feelings? But with those feelings I want peace. I want my heart to be at peace. How I cry out for God to heal my heart, to rid myself of the anger and questions. To just simply be at peace all the time without the waves that come and go.

SIMPLY AT PEACE...

On the way home from some errands this evening the kids and I were listening to Todd and Angie Smith as they spoke about their daughter Audrey who passed away. It came on right as we pulled in our driveway. Hannah asked if they could continue listening to it so I left the van run. Everyone was quiet and listening as Todd and Angie spoke about Audrey. I myself was crying as they spoke and I could hear the sniffles from the children. Some of their words were things we have felt or feel now. the pain is deep. I decided to turn the van off towards the end and we headed inside. Everyone was getting ready for bed and I noticied one of our boys was struggling. I took him aside and just hugged him. I told him I was sorry and I wish there was something I could do to take the pain from him. I reminded him that Hezekiah was safe and that someday we would see him again. I reminded him to have faith in God and trust he knows better than us. Then I started to think that Hezekiah was so blessed to have him as a brother and I lost it. The tears started flowing hard and I wept as I held my son. This boy loves his brother so much, we both stood there crying for some time. It is hard to see my children in pain, I wish I could take it from him but I cannot. I love that all my children love Hezekiah and miss him. I see how they each deal with the loss differently yet the same. How blessed I am to have these precious children.
Lord, heal my children and bring them some happiness in this area. I know you hear their specific daily prayer and Lord if it be your will answer it!

Last week we started the wood stove up as it was a bit chilly. Once it was going and we were warm I could not help but to shed a few tears as I watched the fire going. We sat in front of the stove with Hezekiah often to keep him warm. I guess starting the stove up was just yet another painful reminder that he is not here with us. As I struggled with painful thoughts I tried to think of the good things. There were many good times and good things to remember with Hezekiah but those times and things just cannot erase the pain. Tonight we started the stove again and I pulled the rocking chair over and sat right where we sat with him. I sipped some warm tea and looked at my family as they were watching a movie. So many thoughts in my mind but mostly I thought of how special Hezekiah is to us and I thought of those most precious 8 days we had with him. Oh my son...I miss you!

I thought I was doing good but last week I ended up calling my Pastor and seeking some counsel. I appreciate him very much. He told me to speak the truth even if I don't feel it. That sounds easy enough but for me it is actually hard. It is hard to speak and think something that your not really feeling. It's much easier to go on how you feel but feelings are not always accurate or truthful. I have been practicing speaking and thinking the truth and it has helped. For example the other day I was watching Naomi care for a little boy at a picnic we were at. My mind instantly went to Hezekiah and how I know she would delight in caring for him if he was here. That thought caused me some heartache but I immediately thought the truth that Hezekiah is being cared for by the ultimate provider. And as much pain as it causes me to say this I know that Hezekiah does not want to return to this Earth. I found some comfort in those thoughts and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. The hardest part of it is that I am constantly having to re direct my thinking.

I know God understands my pain and I know he loves me. For some reason he decided Hezekiah should be with him. I cannot begin to fathom it, I cannot even grasp why he would allow my family and I to suffer so. Someday I will know...someday I will see!

15 years ago

Today is our 15 year Anniversary, it's hard to believe it has been that long yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime. Both Ken and I agree that with each passing year we grow more and more in love. It is amazing how God truly has his hand on our lives and how very little control we do have over them. Our life together has been a journey, full of ups and downs but I would not trade it for anything else. I know Hezekiah has brought Ken and I even closer as we grieve, search, and continue on. Hezekiah has taught us to love even more and not take one another for granted. We are thankful for a loving Father who gives us hope and for blessing us with one another and 7 beautiful children!

Pain

Dear God,
I am wondering when the pain and sorrow will end? I know suffering is good despite the pain yet I do not want to suffer anymore. I want joy, I want peace, I want happiness. I want the tears to end for all of us. I am tired of my own tears that come on like a sudden rain storm unable to be controlled. I am tired of wiping my children's tears as they cry for their brother. I am tired of seeing my husband weep over his son! Oh Dear God, the pain and the sorrow we feel for Hezekiah is so deep and so wide. How can we ever feel the way we did before? Will we ever feel the way we did before this wretchedness? Oh Lord my God in your awesome wonder you do know what your doing and this is all a part of your great plan. Fill us with your peace and continue to give us grace and all we need as we continue to trust you.

A 3 year olds prayer

Jesus when are you going to bring Hezekiah back? This is the prayer Ruth prayed tonight before bed. And then of course she asks me and I have to tell her once again that Hezekiah is not ever coming back to us. She continues to say we can take an airplane and get him and to each thought the response is the same...no, that cannot happen.

I feel the need to have a good cry, I can feel things building up again. I found myself looking at a picture of Hezekiah I have in our bathroom. I could not take my eyes off of him. I miss him...my heart aches for him! God I need your strength once again.

Life has been extra busy here in our household. School has begun and we are heading into our 4th week. I love teaching my children and find joy in working with them, it is amazing how children are so eager to learn if given the right tools and encouragement to do so. I have found my days to be very busy as I have 5 officially in school. I find organization and a schedule to be the key to success for our family.

I think the hardest thing about homeschooling is occupying the younger children. I have bins of education things for the little girls while I teach the older ones, then I take time to read and play with them a bit between lessons. This helps them and actually helps me in return because they are more than content to play when I need them to. I am used to having a clinging baby in my arms, nursing during lessons, and having giggly distractions. How my heart so desires for that. Hezekiah would be teething, crawling, and enjoying making his siblings laugh. I remember these distractions before and was not fond of them as I had so much to do. Now my heart aches for them...it's a lesson of don't know what you got till it's gone!

On school days my mind is so busy that it is in the evenings that I find the tears rolling as I think of Hezekiah. I of course see his pictures and think of him but I can't take the time to let loose these emotions that I have. When the weekend comes I am pretty much a mess. I know time will help me to deal as we adjust to school.

Hezekiah has given me a passion to take every minute I can with his brothers and sisters. To love them, be patient, and serve them. I do not want to take for granted that which the Lord has blessed me with. I cannot think of myself nor can I assume they will always be here. I must use these days for God's glory and not waste them. Soon enough they will be grown up and on their own. So with God's grace, mercy, and strength I shall sharpen the arrows he has blessed Ken and I with and I will look forward to that glorious reunion in which I will see my precious Hezekiah once again. I love you my son!

For Olivia and Noah

8 months old

Today Hezekiah is 8 months old. I remember 8 months ago at this time just holding my precious son as Ken and I talked and looked at our beautiful boy. We were so unsure of what each minute held for him. I remember being so thankful he was still alive and that we could be parents to him. How dearly we love him.

We went to Hezekiah's grave today and we each sent a red balloon up to him. The kids all sent him a picture and told Ken and I we need to make him one for next time.

There is always a deep ache as we pull into the cemetary and walk back to our boy/brother. The kids are always so excited to send their balloon up to him but once that is done there are many tears. We find even though it aches it is good to get the tears out.

Today after the balloons were all up we sat in a circle around our sons/brothers body and Ken prayed. He could barely finish the prayer and during it we were all sobbing. In his prayer he asked God when he would take our pain and turn our tears to joy.

We can't wait for the glorious reunion, it is something I can only imagine

So many firsts this past week

We headed to the beach last week and there were many firsts without Hezekiah. I remember packing and thinking many times the things I should be packing. There was no pack n play, no diapers, extra clothes, toys, strollers, baby beach towel, etc. For the first time in 13 years we don't have a baby. I think if we had chosen for it to be this way we would be sad that Ruth was growing up but somewhat enjoying the freedom. But we didn't choose to not have our baby and here we are empty handed with broken hearts.

Once at the beach there seemed to be a zillion baby boys and every time I saw one I couldn't help but think of Hezekiah not being here in my or his Daddy's arms. I remember the 2nd day at the beach just starting to cry in the hotel because it was so overwhelming.

The kids each got a hermit crab and of course they wanted one for Hezekiah so we came home with 7 of them. The waves were quite strong the 1st day so the kids did not go out far at all. Infact in the afternoon we were not allowed to go out further than our knees. The next day we were not allowed out in the water at all due to the weather. On the way home the kids were laughing about a wave that knocked Ken over. One of them said "your just trying to go see Hezekiah first." Silence filled the van and the tears streamed as my mind went in many directions. I don't think Ken nor I knew what to say. A few minutes later I said well guys lets just say it this say: Whoever gets there first gets to tell Hezekiah just how much we love and miss him.

I know some people think we choose to struggle after losing Hezekiah, that we should be able to "get over it." But they are wrong, it's a new way of life and it's really tough. How I feel is a lot like the ocean. Things can be calm but then a wave comes and it knocks you down. Your still continuing on but your knocked down waiting to get up again. Each time you get back up your a bit stronger. This week I am knocked down...

Here is what I found today by one of Hezekiah's pictures. I often find things the children leave at one of his many pictures in our home. I think it is so sweet and every time I see a new item my eyes instantly tear up. What love they have for their brother and how my heart aches as I think of what could have been.

Clinging to God and his promises...

Our Hezekiah tree

A few months ago my parent's cell group from their church came over and planted a Dogwood tree in memory of Hezekiah. I was really sick that day so I was not able to be out with them but Mom took some pictures and I am waiting for her to get them to me. We are SO thankful for our Hezekiah tree and those who thought of us. Almost every day one of the children brings a picture, flower, or something for Hezekiah. They often stick them by his picture frames in the house but sometimes they stick things by his tree.

I often sit by the tree when I am having a bad moment. I shed my tears and think of my sweet boy whom I miss so dearly. I often find the children sitting by the tree as well, it is their choice spot to sit, talk, or play games.

Yesterday the children came up with an idea to put his picture at the tree so we made a card with his picture and they each wrote on it. We then stapled it to a stake by the tree. The kids love it and one of them quickly put a rock shaped like a heart by the tree.

The fence is around it to keep our goats away. We have some ideas of making the area even nicer, relaxing, and inviting. It is just another precious reminder of our son/brother. We miss him and await the glorious reunion in Heaven.

Love ya Hezekiah!

Ya don't know what you got till it's gone...

I have come to appreciate many things since we have experienced the loss of our precious Hezekiah. I am thankful that I have come to realize even more how precious my 7 children are and how some things I will miss that now seem overwhelming.

I appreciate:

Last week when we were taking our puppy for a walk up the road she went poo. Before I got to clean it up our 3 yr old with all her might jumped in the air and right on top of it smiling from ear to ear.

On our downstairs toilet we have a sprayer attachement that sprays the poo off of cloth diapers. Our 3 yr old got into it today and covered the bathroom floor and walls with water. It looked like a mini flood. I can only imagine the fun she was having in those few seconds alone. (Yes, I did tell her to NEVER do that again)

spilled milk

finger prints on the walls

mud all over the brand new shoes

finding folded clean clothes in the dirty hampers...

These things are annoying as any Mother knows but I am so thankful for things like this because I know the taste of not having one of my children here. I'd much rather have these annoying things to teach my children than not to have them at all.

I believe it to be true that ya don't know what you got till it's gone...missin you so deeply still Hezekiah!

What are you thankful for?

Your 7 months old today

We miss you and love you so dearly Hezekiah!

The kids all made you a picture to attach to the balloon they sent up to you. Some of your brothers and sisters even attached a silly band to them. We trust God to direct our paths and help us continue on without you on this Earth. Our hearts still ache as the wound is so deep. We know God is faithful, we trust him. We will see you again our precious son and brother.