A year ago today

Dearest Hezekiah,
A year ago today we woke up excited because we were going for your 37 week sonogram to see you. We were planning our 4th home birth so we were having a sonogram to check my incision scar from my 3 previous c-sections. Your brothers and sisters were excited because they were each allowed to ask the technician one question about you. The only exception was they weren't allowed to find out if you were a boy or girl.

Once we got to the destination we all eagerly got out of the van and headed in. After about a 20 minute wait the technician came to get me. The room was small so she wanted to do the sonogram first and then bring your brothers and sisters back to ask their questions. Your big sister Hannah came back with me. The technician started and said you were breech, I started to cry because breech meant a c-section and I wanted a natural birth. I then proceded to tell the technician that it was ok we trust God. Little did I know what this technician was seeing as I spoke of my faith in God. Hannah asked the technician why you look like you have 4 eyes. I told Hannah how hard the sonograms are to read and that we can't see them the way professionals can. Little did I know that Hannah did see something...

At some point I knew something was wrong but the technician would not tell me what it was. I begged her to tell me but she said she couldn't. So I walked out of the building crying and told Hannah to tell your daddy to come to the van. Hannah had daddy that I needed a c-section so when he saw me crying at the van he said it's ok Michele it's just a c-section. I started crying even more and told him it's something more than that. Your brothers and sisters never got to come back to see you and as we all sat in the van everyone was quiet and nervous. After 10 minutes our midwife called. All I remember was her saying she was sorry and herself crying. Then I heard the dreaded words that you were not going to live. I threw the phone at your Daddy and jumped out of the van. I ran over to where the Amish park there buggy's and I cried so loudly. I could barely breathe and all I wanted to do was just scream. How could this be true?

After awhile your Daddy came to me with tears in his eyes and wrapped his arms around me. I looked into his eyes for some comfort but could not find any. Together we cried in disbelief at what we had just learned. We went back to the van and there your brothers and sisters were crying and scared. We could not even reassure them because we ourselves were a mess. The ride back home was long and quiet, all to be heard was sniffles from crying. About halfway home I told your Daddy I wanted to know if you were a boy or girl. We both agreed that we wanted to call you by your name. Once home your daddy fell on his knees in the mud room and cried like I have never heard him cry. He was broken, I was broken, and there stood your brothers and sisters at such young tender ages broken.

This day a year ago was wretched and only the beginning of many tears, enormous heartache, and many unknowns. Today there were some tears, some heartache, still some unknowns but there was some laughter.

We miss you and love you sweet boy.