I have tried several times before to write this but every time I started I would end up sobbing and just quit. I came to this conclusion a few months ago and I want to share it. As I start to write I feel the tears and the knot in my throat forming.
I wouldn't change Hezekiah's life if I had the chance to do so.
Of course, I want my son to live with me and my heart desperately aches for him. But God has changed me and I don't want to give back what I have learned. If Hezekiah would have lived I would not be where I am now. Wow...that is such a hard thing to say! Ken calls Hezekiah our sharpening stone and that is exactly what he is. God has used our son to open our eyes to so many things. We have learned more than we realized how precious our children are. That we should take each moment with them and make it count. If your a parent you know the daily frustrations that can creep up and make a bad day. Ken and I now have a clear reminder that our children are not to be taken for granted. All those little things that we take for granted we don't have with Hezekiah, there are no diaper changes, sleepless nights, fussy teething baby, no struggling with Math facts or phonics sounds and we feel the loss with Hezekiah. We miss the baby steps he would be taking and we know so many things we will not experience with him.
Love your children, really enjoy them. Get down on your knees and play with them, color with them, invest your time into them. You will never regret taking the time to do this. When your little one goes to talk to you get down eye level and listen to them. When your baby cries, just stop and be thankful that cry is there. The alternative is not appealing! When your older child has an attitude take the time to talk with them, pray, and work together on the issue at hand. When your making dinner or doing dishes and no one is grateful YOU be thankful that those dishes are there. The alternative hurts! Don't worry about your social life you will have that soon enough. Just love your kids and invest everything you have in them. They are eternal, everything else is not. God has given us 7 blessings and we are so thankful for each one of them.
We also have been reminded how precious people are. It is so easy to get caught up in this temporary world that we live in. We tend to allow things to divide us that we should not. God has a plan and place for each one of his children and we need to embrace what he wants. We need to think of others before ourselves, be gracious, loving, forgiving and kind. We ought not be proud or think of ourselves better than anyone else. We should always seek do God's will not our own. We need to go outside our "box" in communicationg and reaching out to others. And above all we need to love as Christ loves us.
We also have a passion to serve God in all area's of our lives. We don't want to be fence walkers, we want to be on fire. As we have learned we need to think heavenly. When I think (earthly) of my son's body in the ground it brings me to a sobbing mess but when I think of his soul (eternally) with our Heavenly Father I can be thankful he is where we all await to be. As I continue to live on this earth I want to think heavenly. I want to use all we have for heavenly reasons, all else seems vain. I want our lives, our home, our possessions, our finances, all that we are to be open and used for God's glory. I want to keep in my mind always that people are more important than things. Of course I always have felt that way but looking back I have not always acted that way. I am thankful for God's love and forgiveness.
So I await the day until I see my son, he is safe and I am continuing by God's grace to improve in this journey. Our prayer and hearts desire continued healing and we know we will always miss Hezekiah because we love him so dearly.