We headed to the beach last week and there were many firsts without Hezekiah. I remember packing and thinking many times the things I should be packing. There was no pack n play, no diapers, extra clothes, toys, strollers, baby beach towel, etc. For the first time in 13 years we don't have a baby. I think if we had chosen for it to be this way we would be sad that Ruth was growing up but somewhat enjoying the freedom. But we didn't choose to not have our baby and here we are empty handed with broken hearts.
Once at the beach there seemed to be a zillion baby boys and every time I saw one I couldn't help but think of Hezekiah not being here in my or his Daddy's arms. I remember the 2nd day at the beach just starting to cry in the hotel because it was so overwhelming.
The kids each got a hermit crab and of course they wanted one for Hezekiah so we came home with 7 of them. The waves were quite strong the 1st day so the kids did not go out far at all. Infact in the afternoon we were not allowed to go out further than our knees. The next day we were not allowed out in the water at all due to the weather. On the way home the kids were laughing about a wave that knocked Ken over. One of them said "your just trying to go see Hezekiah first." Silence filled the van and the tears streamed as my mind went in many directions. I don't think Ken nor I knew what to say. A few minutes later I said well guys lets just say it this say: Whoever gets there first gets to tell Hezekiah just how much we love and miss him.
I know some people think we choose to struggle after losing Hezekiah, that we should be able to "get over it." But they are wrong, it's a new way of life and it's really tough. How I feel is a lot like the ocean. Things can be calm but then a wave comes and it knocks you down. Your still continuing on but your knocked down waiting to get up again. Each time you get back up your a bit stronger. This week I am knocked down...