Last week we started the wood stove up as it was a bit chilly. Once it was going and we were warm I could not help but to shed a few tears as I watched the fire going. We sat in front of the stove with Hezekiah often to keep him warm. I guess starting the stove up was just yet another painful reminder that he is not here with us. As I struggled with painful thoughts I tried to think of the good things. There were many good times and good things to remember with Hezekiah but those times and things just cannot erase the pain. Tonight we started the stove again and I pulled the rocking chair over and sat right where we sat with him. I sipped some warm tea and looked at my family as they were watching a movie. So many thoughts in my mind but mostly I thought of how special Hezekiah is to us and I thought of those most precious 8 days we had with him. Oh my son...I miss you!
I thought I was doing good but last week I ended up calling my Pastor and seeking some counsel. I appreciate him very much. He told me to speak the truth even if I don't feel it. That sounds easy enough but for me it is actually hard. It is hard to speak and think something that your not really feeling. It's much easier to go on how you feel but feelings are not always accurate or truthful. I have been practicing speaking and thinking the truth and it has helped. For example the other day I was watching Naomi care for a little boy at a picnic we were at. My mind instantly went to Hezekiah and how I know she would delight in caring for him if he was here. That thought caused me some heartache but I immediately thought the truth that Hezekiah is being cared for by the ultimate provider. And as much pain as it causes me to say this I know that Hezekiah does not want to return to this Earth. I found some comfort in those thoughts and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. The hardest part of it is that I am constantly having to re direct my thinking.
I know God understands my pain and I know he loves me. For some reason he decided Hezekiah should be with him. I cannot begin to fathom it, I cannot even grasp why he would allow my family and I to suffer so. Someday I will know...someday I will see!