Sometimes it feels like I am living in a globe watching life continue to go on as I am stuck in time. My globe has been shaken and there is still so many things floating around that I cannot yet come out. My heart desires to go back to what was before December 3, 2009 yet I realize things will never be the same. I will never be the same person, my husband and children will never be the same. I think if only I could break the globe open and just force myself to not see or acknowledge some of the pain and emotions it would be better. Yet, I know deep within I need for now to just sit and embrace all the things coming my way. I know many people cannot understand or even grasp my behaviour and pain. In their opinions I should just get over it, move on, and have this super power to surpress it all. To be honest I sometimes wish I could just get over it. But with all this pain I am growing, I am learning lessons I never would have learned. I do have power through Christ as he is sustaining me, he helps me to rise and see each day as a blessing. HE is my strength and he has me right where he wants me. I am questioning and seeking. I am leaning on my saviour and gaining strength to move forward. The day will come when my globe will break open and I shall by God's strength be strong. How foolish I would be to rush this process and miss all I am learning. I am weak but he is strong!
The past few days I have felt an underlying sadness that cannot be put aside. I always feel like crying and when I finally do cry my tears there are many. Once done crying there is eagerly yet a new set of tears ready to flow. As I prepare to celebrate Christ's birth I feel overwhelmed with many emotions. I get frustrated with myself as I struggle to totally give my son to the Lord. Of course, Hezekiah is with God the struggle is within me and my proud, arrogant self. How can I think I know better than God? If he says it's in my best interest for Hezekiah to be with him why do I question it? I find myself weak in my faith at times as I struggle beleiving all that I know is true. When I can't understand or see the big picture per say I struggle with it. I have faith and know God knows, that I freely admit but to surrender my desire is hard.
My heart desires to serve the Lord with all that is within me. I praise his holy name and know he is God. For now he carries me until I am strong enough to stand on my own!