Saturday, December 11, 2010

Sometimes it feels like I am living in a globe watching life continue to go on as I am stuck in time. My globe has been shaken and there is still so many things floating around that I cannot yet come out. My heart desires to go back to what was before December 3, 2009 yet I realize things will never be the same. I will never be the same person, my husband and children will never be the same. I think if only I could break the globe open and just force myself to not see or acknowledge some of the pain and emotions it would be better. Yet, I know deep within I need for now to just sit and embrace all the things coming my way. I know many people cannot understand or even grasp my behaviour and pain. In their opinions I should just get over it, move on, and have this super power to surpress it all. To be honest I sometimes wish I could just get over it. But with all this pain I am growing, I am learning lessons I never would have learned. I do have power through Christ as he is sustaining me, he helps me to rise and see each day as a blessing. HE is my strength and he has me right where he wants me. I am questioning and seeking. I am leaning on my saviour and gaining strength to move forward. The day will come when my globe will break open and I shall by God's strength be strong. How foolish I would be to rush this process and miss all I am learning. I am weak but he is strong!

The past few days I have felt an underlying sadness that cannot be put aside. I always feel like crying and when I finally do cry my tears there are many. Once done crying there is eagerly yet a new set of tears ready to flow. As I prepare to celebrate Christ's birth I feel overwhelmed with many emotions. I get frustrated with myself as I struggle to totally give my son to the Lord. Of course, Hezekiah is with God the struggle is within me and my proud, arrogant self. How can I think I know better than God? If he says it's in my best interest for Hezekiah to be with him why do I question it? I find myself weak in my faith at times as I struggle beleiving all that I know is true. When I can't understand or see the big picture per say I struggle with it. I have faith and know God knows, that I freely admit but to surrender my desire is hard.

My heart desires to serve the Lord with all that is within me. I praise his holy name and know he is God. For now he carries me until I am strong enough to stand on my own!

1 comment:

  1. Michele, as much as I wish that you could be through with the grieving, the grieving is a process. Think of it like the butterfly coming out of the cocoon. If we try to help it, the butterfly doesn't get to constantly beat it's wings to get out, and they do not get to grow strong enough to fly. I hate that you have the pain, my dear friend, but God is letting you beat your wings against the cocoon of grief till you immerge strong and able to fly as He means for you to! Am praying for you!