Saturday, December 19, 2009
Today we had our first snow for the winter. The children were all so excited to go out and go sledding. In the afternoon they went out and Daddy really wanted me to come out as well. I had no desire to do so but I did go and took the camera along. As I walked across the snow I could not help but to think that Hezekiah you would never play in the snow. I watched as the children played and put my hand on my belly. I rubbed it and told you Hezekiah all about the snow, my tears were making my face freeze. I started to head back in but little R wanted to go along in. As I took her hand she wanted to walk down the road in the snow, I said no but being herself she persisted. I gave in and walked behind her admiring my little stinker. I thought of how much she would love you Hezekiah, how she would Mother you to no end :)
I got a warm bath in the late afternoon, that seems to help with some of my stress. I enjoy watching you move all around my belly. I was reading a book but put it down, I felt like I needed to pray. I prayed Hezekiah that God would heal you, and I know he can if it be his will. I have seen God's power and do not doubt it. I also realize that his will may not be to heal you on this Earth and I accept that. I have been doing so much thinking since the diagnosis and came to the conclusion last night that I have lost my first love. Yep, I have allowed my blessed role of being a Wife and Mother overtake my relationship with Christ. God is a jealous God and he wants me to put him first in my life. As I wept and repented I felt a release and prayed again for your healing. I live for my husband and kids and I doubt I will ever not but I first must live for Christ. That is not an excuse to neglect my husband and children, in fact it will just reinstate the importance of my role in those blessed areas. I must take personal time for my God more than I do. SO today I learned something and to God be the glory.
I was putting away the kids notebooks and came across N's. It said:
I love Hezikiya
I love him ever
I do I do love Hezikiya
I still love Hezikiya
The night before your brother E was in bed crying because of you. Even your brothers and sisters ache for you.
They all say good night to you every night now and they either rub my belly or give it a kiss.
I love you my precious son!