This morning Ken and I went and met with the Chaplain, head nurse, and baby doctor at the hospital. They all were so kind and compassionate to us. They wanted to know our desires in regards to the birth and all that goes with it. It is something I never want to do again but am thankful we have some wonderful people looking to protect and serve us at the time of Hezekiah's birth. I finally packed my bags for a hospital birth, it is something I also have been dreading and putting off. I have really been thankful for my last 3 home births, they were such a blessing. But it seems God is taking me in a different path this time. I don't know why and to be honest I question it, it makes no sense to me. I find lots of things don't make sense to me here of late. We also got some things for the older kids to do at the hospital and that is all packed and ready as well. So I am ready in that way but I am in no means ready in any other way. In fact I am down right scared to death in regards to all that has yet to happen.
Today I thought about earthly and eternally:
Eternally my son is going to Heaven to be with Jesus when God takes his breathe from him. He will not suffer and be in a perfect place. I truly could not ask for a better place for Hezekiah to go. I could not ask for a better Heavenly Father to watch over him. Heaven is to be a wonderful, perfect place and I know Hezekiah will be better off there than here on this Earth. I should rejoice that he is going to meet our maker. Eternally is the way I should think in all things at all times. I think many things would change in my life if I always thought eternally.
Earthly my heart longs for Hezekiah to live, my heart aches the most unbearable ache I have ever felt in my entire life. I would do anything to keep my son on this Earth and be the best Mom I could be to him. Tears flow easily when I think of all the kisses, cooing, smiling, diaper changes, baths, laughs, etc that we will miss with Hezekiah. How desperate and helpless I feel in this situation. How can life possibly ever go back to "normal"? I beg God to take this from me, I tell him I cannot handle it. Yet, he has chosen to continue with his plan despite my desires. I cannot fathom his ways in this.
So what do I do? I trust God despite not understanding why he choose not to knit Hezekiah's brain and skull together properly. I praise the God who gives and takes away. I continue to seek him and allow him to carry me in the depths of my despair. I pray God be glorified during this time. It is all I can do...I know my redeemer lives and his ways are best!
Continue to pray for us, we need it!