Friday, December 25, 2009
On Wed afternoon I went for a sonogram and check up. Despite knowing the diagnosis I could not help but wish things would have changed as they started the sonogram. Yes, wishful thinking but it truly is my desire. But nothing has changed other than I have fallen even more in love with you my son. As the technician was scanning you were moving all over the place. You kept grabbing the umbilical cord and putting it towards your mouth, it was really cute. At the end the technician asked if she could do a 4D and of course I said yes. Your cousin Noah has had them done and we were all amazed at what we actually could see with his pictures. The minute the technician got your face on the screen I was amazed, smitten, and in awe. There you were Hezekiah, I was able to see what you look like. You resemble your siblings R and S and you have the chubbiest cheeks. I cannot wait to kiss them. You were even sucking your thumb at one point. I could not help but cry as I held onto each precious second of seeing you on that screen. Oh how my heart longs for things to be different, how I long to take care of you and love you on this Earth. How I struggle to let you go and release you to the very one you belong to. My precious son my weaknesses show so vividly as I walk this journey I would so rather not. My sinful self is very evident to me and I struggle with the basics of my faith.
My appointment with the Doctor went well. They are concerned about me, you have a death sentence per say so you are of no issue to them. They are kind about it but it nauseates me in regards to the medical stand point they take. Do they not know despite your condition you have a soul? Do they not know that God has blessed me (our family) with you and until he takes your breathe you need love, support, and caring for? The way the world sees babies like you and others with not perfect outcomes is repulsive to me. The doctor told me 95% of babies with your condition are aborted, how that made my stomach turn in disgust. Oh the wicked sin of ending a life in such a tragic way that Americans say is "choice" God have mercy!
My uterus looks well except they say where my previous incisions are it is "abnormally thin". What does that mean exactly? It is hard to say because each woman can measure different and mine could have been the 7mm it is now during my past 3 home births. I do have amniotic fluid that is building but it is not overly of concern. It will just make me more uncomfortable as my feet, hands, belly,and face continue to hold more fluid. So here is what your Daddy and I have decided. I will go to 41 weeks and if I do not go into labor I will then schedule a c-section. This is not what I want for so many reasons. I want to birth you naturally because it is just better all round. So we are trusting God in the outcome, there is little else I can do. It feels in this entire situation I am just hanging on, grasping for less and less of my desires. I am scared and nervous about it all. I am an emotion ready to burst at any moment, with so many unanswered questions, concerns, fears, and desires.
On the way home after the visit I called your Daddy and told him how beautiful you were. I am sure he did not hear half of what I said as I could not contain my emotions. It felt good to have a good cry afterwards. When I got home your brothers and sisters loved looking at you in the 4D. They just stared at you for so long, their silence made me wonder what they were thinking. We often pull out your pictures looking at them, I am so thankful for them. When your Daddy got home he looked at you as well, and also was amazed. His silence and eyes said so much to me, you don't realize it Hezekiah but you have got the best Earthly Father a child could ask for.
So Hezekiah I continue to nervously wait for your arrival. I continue to struggle. I continue to cry. I continue to beg God for his mercy and grace unto us all. Although I feel God is not near I know feelings lie and that he is near. When I raise my hands to worship my King I can barely lift them in my sorrow but he lifts them the rest of the way for me. My God, My King, My Father...whatever the cost...I will follow you!
I thought the other day about how God allowed his son to be crucified for my sins. I cannot imagine that God did not cry that day as he watched his son in such physical pain. He is a God of mercy and hurts when we hurt. Even though he knew his son's death was needed for our salvation I can't help but to think his Father heart ached. I think of Mary who watched her son die in such a horrible manner. How she was such a Godly woman who accepted God's will for not only her life but also her son's. You want to talk about a woman who made a difference, a woman with an example of faith. I also think of Jesus as he knew what was to come of him and the suffering he would go through FOR ME and YOU. Yet, he willingly accepted his "journey". How it makes me think...
Well I should try to sleep. I am often up during the night since your diagnosis. I look forward to yet another day of feeling you move within me. How blessed I am...How blessed I am!