Today was not a good day, I found myself struggling to even do the basic things. It is hard to explain all the emotions that come with knowing Hezekiah is not going to live on this Earth with us. I think sometimes I am strong and accepting the situation but then the next moment my world falls apart as I think of the situation. It is a hopeless feeling since there is nothing I can do about it.
This is what we know. Hezekiah is safe within my womb, he is a rather feisty little fellow who has really been kicking and moving within. All of us have enjoyed feeling him, he even gave Grandma a good kick and she was amazed by the strength of it. Hezekiah is just under 6 lbs and is perfect in every way except for his skull. I gazed at the sonogram pictures several times today, I love the side profile pictures. his nose reminds me of Solomon's and his lips pucker. I have a bit more amniotic fluid than I should which is called polyhydramnios. My midwife is going to monitor it and we are praying it does not get out of control as that is an issue for me.
We are praying God will grant us a home birth as the only other option is a c-section which we would really like to avoid. For those who do not know my first 3 children were born by c-section and my last 3 were born naturally at home. Most babies with anencephaly are born pre-term before 36 weeks, the rest are induced by 38 weeks the latest. Those who do not go into early labor often do not go into labor at all. My body does not work with inductions and with 3 c-section scars the induction is a risk to me.
So this is what we are praying for and you can pray with us:
1. Pray my labor starts naturally and before health issues arise for either myself or Hezekiah. Pray Hezekiah feels no pain or discomfort during birth (is it to much to ask the same for myself). Pray God gives me the strength to handle the labor he has or me. Pray Hezekiah has some time on this Earth with us after he is born but if that is not God's will help us to accept it and marvel at our precious son while we can.
2. If a c-section is necessary pray God makes it evident. We do not desire to pick the date for Hezekiah's birth and/or departure from this Earth. We truly do not want any regrets in this area. Pray for wisdom for us and our midwife Paula.
3. Pray for us as we continue in this path we would rather not walk. Pray for strength, guidance, and that we continue to trust God. Pray that we see God's hand in all of this as we struggle with many questions. Pray for our other children as they struggle with loosing a brother and the concept of death. And continue to pray for a miracle of healing for Hezekiah. We know God is a mighty God and he can choose to heal our son whole and complete but if it is not his will then pray we humble accept that God is God. His ways are best!
Today I washed Hezekiah's burial clothing, blankets, and hats for him. I just sat and cried and begged God for a miracle. I think of all the other Mothers who have walked this journey, how wretched it is. I think of all the Mothers who will yet walk it...Oh only the hope of Jesus gets me past each day.