Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Hezekiahs name means "God is my strength". It is only by God's strength that I will make it during this difficult journey. Thank you for your continued prayers.

My 5 year old asked me today how much I missed Hezekiah. I told her so very much and she proceeded to ask me HOW MUCH Mommy. So I stretched out my arms as far as I could and said this much. Her eyes widened and she said well I love and miss Hezekiah more than food.

Some of you have said you cannot leave comments on the blog. I think I have that fixed, I am new to this blogging and am a bit computer illiterate.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

My I love all three of them.

Today was a horrible day! When things are this bad I often go to the cemetery by myself where Hezekiahs body rests. There was snow everywhere so for about an hour I sat in the van allowing my bottled up emotions to explode. It seems unfair that my son is not with us and him being gone has left a huge hole within me. I feel robbed!
My days are like waves in the ocean, sometimes it is calm but then a wave comes. The waves vary in intensity and endurance but they come and each wave is different.

I finally decided to get out and walk back to where Hezekiah was buried. The snow was deep and cold on my feet as I only had sandals on. Once I got back to Hezekiah I stood and cried some more. It has been awhile since I have really cried and I now have an all to familiar, wretched headache from all the tears. I could barely ignore the motherly thoughts as I thought of my son under all the snow and dirt. How my heart cried out for him, how I so very much ache for him. It seems like forever since I have held him, kissed his warm precious cheeks, and smelled his sweet baby smell. The longing within me is so strong that I found myself down in the snow weeping for what I cannot have. How hard it is for me to accept this which the Lord wills.

God give me strength for I am weak and weary.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.
Job 3:25-26

I find that the words of Job above explain one of the ways I feel about loosing Hezekiah. I have always said "the one thing I could never handle is loosing a child". And here I am in that exact position I said I could never handle. I can assure you that "I" am not handling it, I have a God who is with me every step of the way. And without him, my husband, and the love of others I surely would not be able to handle this part of the journey in my life.

Two weeks ago my body started to show signs of anxiety, stress, and mild depression. An anxiety attack is scary and it sent me to the doctor's the very next day. Death is so real to me now that I find myself gripped with fear even with the simple things. I realize fear is one of those things I must conquer, but for now it's one thing at a time as my list is long. Anyway, the doctor offered some medication and I declined. I am one of those who will do all I can to avoid medication, trying to do things naturally. He offered some advice and told me to come back in 10 days.

As I drove home I found myself thinking about how I was going to deal with this specific situation, I don't want things to get worse nor do I want to walk around everyday with such stress. And I cannot tolerate anxiety ruling my life at night, not allowing me to get the sleep I so desperately need. I started to think about a conversation I had with my older children recently. I was telling them that they need to trust their Daddy and I on some things that they do not understand. I assured them that in time they would understand but for now they would need to just trust us and be content in that. I told them how so very much we loved them and our hearts desire is to do what is best for them. AHHHH...

So like a hammer hitting me on the head...MICHELE..."You need to trust me, you do not understand it all. I love you more than anyone else ever could and my hearts desire is to do my glorious will (which is perfect). In time you will see it all but for now TRUST IN ME". As I thought this my eyes filled with tears and I ask God to help me trust him. I, in my weakness am struggling with trusting God. And it is the God who Gave his only son for me. FOR ME this wretched, unworthy, sinner who constantly fails... he gave his son. As I think of my son Hezekiah and his death I cannot even imagine having that much love for someone that I would give my son for them. Yes, selfish I know and that is what makes me unworthy of any of God's graciousness. BUT God loves me and you that much that he gave up his son so we might have life. So knowing all this should make it easier for me to trust him, well it's not. But where I am weak HE can make me strong and that is what HE is doing.

I read my Bible and prayed the first night after seeing the doctor begging God for peace in my mind, body, and soul. Ken prayed with me as well and my faithful God answered my prayers and gave me some more sleep. The next evening I did the same and God was once again faithful and gave me even more sleep. I praise him for this and am thankful that I am now sleeping an entire night peacefully.

During the day if my mind is not occupied with something I instantly think of Hezekiah. The desire within me to have my son is so strong. Every bit of me yearns to love and mother him the way I do all my children. He would be starting to smile at us and possibly Daddy would get him to giggle. Ken always gets the first giggles out of the children and he is very proud of that :) I long to hold Hezekiah to snuggle and kiss him. How I wish he was here!

But despite my desperate longings, God has chosen to take Hezekiah home with him. I don't have a specific verse of song but when I start to go down the path of "my" thinking I pray or think of a verse or song and just say it. It's my way of verbally saying "God I trust you", laying down my will knowing God will give me strength.
I want to submit to God's will in this and as I wrestle with my flesh God will give me strength. How easy it has been for me to say I trust God and accept his will when my life was full. But when tragedy comes I fall apart and I see how weak I am. But this falling apart has brought me closer to my King, my Father, My God and is revealing things to me I am so thankful for.

I also had counsel from my Pastor and that was very helpful. So with much prayer and reading of God's word I am seeing things slowly get better. I have a great husband, 7 wonderful children (6 of whom I care for on this Earth), and supportive friends. And I am a fighter...

On another note, we have decided to put some of our grief into helping others who are hurting that have lost a child. How this all happens we don't know yet but we are thinking and praying for opportunities to arise.

I will leave you with this hymn written by Frances "Franny" Crosby that touched my heart and describes again my feelings as I walk this journey. It is called "Hold Thou My Hand"

Hold Thou my hand; so weak I am, and helpless,
I dare not take one step without Thy aid;
Hold thou my hand, for then, O loving Saviour,
No dread of ill shall make my soul afraid.

Hold Thou my hand, and closer, closer draw me
To Thy dear self-my hope, my joy, my all;
Hold Thou my hand, lest haply I should wander,
And, Missing Thee, my trembling feet should fall.

Hold Thou my hand; the way is dark before me
Without the sunlight of Thy face divine;
But when by faith I catch its radiant glory,
What heights of joy, what rapturous songs are mine!

Thank you for your continuous prayers on our behalf.
Blessings to you all!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

We have been doing school which has made it hard for me to blog. I am preparing a post and will do so once a week to keep in touch. We appreciate your continuous prayers on our behalf, they are so needed.
Hezekiah is always in our hearts, we miss him dearly!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Last night was the best night this week in regards to sleeping, thank you for your prayers. I have been constantly praying and seeking God asking for his help as I miss my son Hezekiah so deeply. The pain is always there despite what I do. When I begin to think it's all going to be ok, I fall apart. The loss of Hezekiah has affected me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to take the things I have learned from my son and use it for God's glory. I covet your continuous prayers!

Above is a picture of my friend Jen (with her daughter Olivia Hope in womb), Hezekiah, and I. Jen came to see us in the hospital and I was so glad she did. Jen and I have not been friends long but we are traveling the same road per say so we are knitted deeply by that.

Jen and her husband Andy also have another daughter Gwen who is 2. Jen is due at the end of March. Olivia was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 some time ago. Jen was advised to terminate the pregnancy but instead opted to carry her blessing until God sees to take Olivia into his arms. May I ask you to pray for her and her family?

I remember before Hezekiah was born and I know Jen needs prayers. It is not easy to know your baby is not going to live, if they live at all outside the womb.

Jen has a blog where you can read up on her if you would like. It is

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Can I ask you all a favor? I know you have been praying for us and it is so needed and appreciated. Can I ask you to pray specifically for me that I can sleep at night? I have not been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night. Pray my body, mind, and soul can be at peace and rest.
Thank You

Monday, February 8, 2010

I feel as if I am in a deep, dark pit all alone. In this deep pit I feel as if I am helpless, the circumstances around me are out of my control. It is a gnawing feeling that never subsides even as life goes on. I can turn in any direction and I see no light. I search for rest for my body, soul, and mind yet I can find none. My emotions have taken over me and I beg for some peace, just enough to get a few hours sleep at least. My mind is numb at times and goes down valleys it should not. I long for happy days again, for peaceful days, days of no more tears. Is this to much to ask?
I want to crawl out of this pit, please God pull me out, wipe my tears, hold me, comfort me. Help me to breathe. Don't let my heart be hardened. Help me to trust fully in you.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

When Hezekiah was in the hospital their was a wonderful group of people from the palliative care team that gave him a small, stuffed Gund bear. Our photographer from NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep) used this bear in his first pictures. I keep his bear in his memory box but we have decided to use this bear as much as we can when we get pictures taken so he is included (in a sense). One of the children suggested it and we loved the idea. We have named the bear "Hezekiah bear".

So let me introduce Hezekiah's siblings to you. I am not comfortable putting their faces on a public blog perhaps in time we will change our mind. But for now this will have to do. Notice our 2 year old holding the Hezekiah bear :)

Today Hezekiah would be 1 month old. I can't help but to think of all the things I am missing out on by him not being here. It is an endless ache that is so deep within I imagine it will always be there. In time it will get easier I have heard but for now it is just as fresh as it was from the beginning. I want to go to the grave but with all this snow I can't.

Trusting God is easy when things go the way I think they should. But trusting God when things go a way I don't like or think they should is a totally different thing. I have found it even harder when there are so many unanswered questions. I have seen a weakness/sin within myself as I deal with Hezekiah not being on this Earth. I have chosen these past few days to verbally acknowledge God's faithfulness when I start to struggle or question things. It does not give me the answers I am searching for nor does it make the ache easier. What it does do is make me humble myself before the Lord acknowledging that he is faithful and that he knows better than I. I also in that short saying am acknowledging that I do not have a clue about most things, there is so much more to God than I can even imagine. I do know that someday I will know and understand why Hezekiah was taken from this Earth. But for now I must trust God and I cannot allow my feelings to take over truth.

Hezekiah is safe and alive with Jesus, a loving Father who loves him just as much as I love him. It is hard to accept this, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I miss my son SO much even though I truly could not ask for any better for my son. He is in the place where we all long to be someday and I know on the day the Lord calls me home I will be eager to go for I will see my precious son.

I got asked this week how many children I had. It felt like forever as I thought in my mind what to say but I know it was only a second or so. My answer: I have 7 children and that is how I will answer anyone from now on. If the conversation goes deeper I will explain it this way. I have 7 children and all are living because truthfully HEZEKIAH IS ALIVE. As I introduce them when I get to Hezekiah I will say he is with Jesus and how old he would have been. I like it...I love talking about him and the memories I have :) I never want to forget him and I am thankful Ken and I both agree on this.

So this week I pray I will continue to heal and grieve in a positive way giving God the glory for the great things he has done. I don't want Satan to have any room in this, in fact I want the opposite and by God's grace I will stand strong.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I had a productive day today with the kids and their schooling which is good. I had to several times force myself to not "go there" and continue to move on. Yes, there were times I struggled, cried, and even once when I stopped to look at all of Hezekiah's pictures on the computer. I do that every day, sometimes more than once. As I am looking and remembering I almost always have 6 little ones around me.

It is hard to go on, there are so many moments when I think how it would be if Hezekiah were here. I pulled out one of the Grammar books and I found my bookmark from before he was born. It had all the kids names on with a blank spot for the new baby. It brought tears to my eyes as I wrote his name in that spot. How I miss him, I know I say that so much but it is SO true. '

I have failed over the past few days with trusting God in all of this. I have allowed my desires to be first and foremost in regards to Hezekiah. I do not live for myself, I live to serve the Lord and HIS desires, HIS ways, HIS will is perfect. He sees way beyond what I do and I should rejoice that Hezekiah is perfect and with Jesus. I really need to get beyond myself!

On another note I made my 1st trip out by myself yesterday with the kiddo's. YIPPEE :) We went to the dentist and they all got their teeth cleaned. It went very well mostly because we go to an awesome family friendly dentist.

I have much more on my mind but it is so deep it would take forever to write. I will save it for when I have time to finish it.
Please continue to hold us up in your prayers!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I never thought I would have some of the emotions and feelings I am experiencing since Hezekiah left. I am not sure how honest to be here on my public blog. But me, being me, I think honesty is always best and for those who take my words and use them against me I will tell you to GET A LIFE! Well actually I won't but I will hurt inside and cry if you say things you should not using my weaknesses against me.

I am sad, I am raging with anger, I am hurt, and I feel like I am well, depressed you know loosing it...going off the deep end. I am trying not to go down this road but I am heading there fast and I don't know how to stop it. I take care of the home, hubby, kids, and do what needs done. I love 6 of my children and give them what they need. My 7th child I miss beyond words and every part of me aches for him. I think of him every minute of the day. I often look at his pictures and pick up his outfit and hold it close. Is that crazy? I don't know I just am doing what feels right, what I want to do and it feels right to me.

I am mad at myself because truth be known I am mad at God. I can't figure out why he would allow this to happen to my son. Satan did it but he allowed it! He allowed Hezekiah to be taken from a God loving family who would have raised him for his glory. Yes, I know he has other plans but that offers little comfort right now. I can't believe I cannot just accept God's plan in all of this, who am I to question God. I feel guilty for the things I think and the anger that fuels inside. The anger and ache are side by side wrestling with one another to take over. One minute I am angry, the next I am weeping out of control. When will all this madness end? I feel alone, all alone as I struggle to cope with Hezekiah not being here. I feel like a "basket case" and am frustrated with myself.

Don't get me wrong, I know God is good, I know his ways are best. And I still trust him, it's just hard to move beyond all that has happened. Perhaps it's just part of the grieving process but goodness gracious I am ready to go back to "normal" again. But then what can be normal after one of your children are gone, it will always be obvious he is missing.

Also in my life other things are taking place because some people don't realize I have enough stress they like to add more. And others because things take place that I have no control over, and I question God again why he would place something I loved right back in my face! So do I go back to the "God I trust you because you know better than I". Of course I should but it is so much easier said than done.

Clearly you can see my weakness!

Monday, February 1, 2010

I miss you my precious son! I love you forever and always!!