Sunday, February 21, 2010

My I love all three of them.

Today was a horrible day! When things are this bad I often go to the cemetery by myself where Hezekiahs body rests. There was snow everywhere so for about an hour I sat in the van allowing my bottled up emotions to explode. It seems unfair that my son is not with us and him being gone has left a huge hole within me. I feel robbed!
My days are like waves in the ocean, sometimes it is calm but then a wave comes. The waves vary in intensity and endurance but they come and each wave is different.

I finally decided to get out and walk back to where Hezekiah was buried. The snow was deep and cold on my feet as I only had sandals on. Once I got back to Hezekiah I stood and cried some more. It has been awhile since I have really cried and I now have an all to familiar, wretched headache from all the tears. I could barely ignore the motherly thoughts as I thought of my son under all the snow and dirt. How my heart cried out for him, how I so very much ache for him. It seems like forever since I have held him, kissed his warm precious cheeks, and smelled his sweet baby smell. The longing within me is so strong that I found myself down in the snow weeping for what I cannot have. How hard it is for me to accept this which the Lord wills.

God give me strength for I am weak and weary.


  1. winter is the worst! it magnifies loss i think. i will pray for strength for you.

  2. Michelle~ I saw this on a yahoo group today and thought of you.....a lady wrote this after losing her child to SIDS....grace and strength to you!


    Where are you my sweet baby
    Taken long ago
    Are they holding you gently
    Rocking you to and fro
    Do you still giggle when something
    Catches your dear eye
    A shiny bit of paper, a sister's silly smile
    Do they feed you when you're hungry
    Do you need to eat at all
    In a place that is so holy
    Where God is still and tall
    When I sing a song just for you
    Does it travel in the air
    And fill your soul with knowing
    That Mommy is still there
    Can you see me as I spend my life
    As your soul flies, dips and soars
    Picking up clothing
    That never will be yours
    Looking round the table
    And noticing the hole
    When will you come back
    And take your place
    of love
    Amongst us all

  3. Michelle...thank you for your prayers.

    Lynnea...beautiful song brought tears to my eyes. The words at times seemed right from my own heart. Thank you for sending it!