Sunday, February 21, 2010
My boys...how I love all three of them.
Today was a horrible day! When things are this bad I often go to the cemetery by myself where Hezekiahs body rests. There was snow everywhere so for about an hour I sat in the van allowing my bottled up emotions to explode. It seems unfair that my son is not with us and him being gone has left a huge hole within me. I feel robbed!
My days are like waves in the ocean, sometimes it is calm but then a wave comes. The waves vary in intensity and endurance but they come and each wave is different.
I finally decided to get out and walk back to where Hezekiah was buried. The snow was deep and cold on my feet as I only had sandals on. Once I got back to Hezekiah I stood and cried some more. It has been awhile since I have really cried and I now have an all to familiar, wretched headache from all the tears. I could barely ignore the motherly thoughts as I thought of my son under all the snow and dirt. How my heart cried out for him, how I so very much ache for him. It seems like forever since I have held him, kissed his warm precious cheeks, and smelled his sweet baby smell. The longing within me is so strong that I found myself down in the snow weeping for what I cannot have. How hard it is for me to accept this which the Lord wills.
God give me strength for I am weak and weary.