Thursday, February 18, 2010
What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.
I find that the words of Job above explain one of the ways I feel about loosing Hezekiah. I have always said "the one thing I could never handle is loosing a child". And here I am in that exact position I said I could never handle. I can assure you that "I" am not handling it, I have a God who is with me every step of the way. And without him, my husband, and the love of others I surely would not be able to handle this part of the journey in my life.
Two weeks ago my body started to show signs of anxiety, stress, and mild depression. An anxiety attack is scary and it sent me to the doctor's the very next day. Death is so real to me now that I find myself gripped with fear even with the simple things. I realize fear is one of those things I must conquer, but for now it's one thing at a time as my list is long. Anyway, the doctor offered some medication and I declined. I am one of those who will do all I can to avoid medication, trying to do things naturally. He offered some advice and told me to come back in 10 days.
As I drove home I found myself thinking about how I was going to deal with this specific situation, I don't want things to get worse nor do I want to walk around everyday with such stress. And I cannot tolerate anxiety ruling my life at night, not allowing me to get the sleep I so desperately need. I started to think about a conversation I had with my older children recently. I was telling them that they need to trust their Daddy and I on some things that they do not understand. I assured them that in time they would understand but for now they would need to just trust us and be content in that. I told them how so very much we loved them and our hearts desire is to do what is best for them. AHHHH...
So like a hammer hitting me on the head...MICHELE..."You need to trust me, you do not understand it all. I love you more than anyone else ever could and my hearts desire is to do my glorious will (which is perfect). In time you will see it all but for now TRUST IN ME". As I thought this my eyes filled with tears and I ask God to help me trust him. I, in my weakness am struggling with trusting God. And it is the God who Gave his only son for me. FOR ME this wretched, unworthy, sinner who constantly fails... he gave his son. As I think of my son Hezekiah and his death I cannot even imagine having that much love for someone that I would give my son for them. Yes, selfish I know and that is what makes me unworthy of any of God's graciousness. BUT God loves me and you that much that he gave up his son so we might have life. So knowing all this should make it easier for me to trust him, well it's not. But where I am weak HE can make me strong and that is what HE is doing.
I read my Bible and prayed the first night after seeing the doctor begging God for peace in my mind, body, and soul. Ken prayed with me as well and my faithful God answered my prayers and gave me some more sleep. The next evening I did the same and God was once again faithful and gave me even more sleep. I praise him for this and am thankful that I am now sleeping an entire night peacefully.
During the day if my mind is not occupied with something I instantly think of Hezekiah. The desire within me to have my son is so strong. Every bit of me yearns to love and mother him the way I do all my children. He would be starting to smile at us and possibly Daddy would get him to giggle. Ken always gets the first giggles out of the children and he is very proud of that :) I long to hold Hezekiah to snuggle and kiss him. How I wish he was here!
But despite my desperate longings, God has chosen to take Hezekiah home with him. I don't have a specific verse of song but when I start to go down the path of "my" thinking I pray or think of a verse or song and just say it. It's my way of verbally saying "God I trust you", laying down my will knowing God will give me strength.
I want to submit to God's will in this and as I wrestle with my flesh God will give me strength. How easy it has been for me to say I trust God and accept his will when my life was full. But when tragedy comes I fall apart and I see how weak I am. But this falling apart has brought me closer to my King, my Father, My God and is revealing things to me I am so thankful for.
I also had counsel from my Pastor and that was very helpful. So with much prayer and reading of God's word I am seeing things slowly get better. I have a great husband, 7 wonderful children (6 of whom I care for on this Earth), and supportive friends. And I am a fighter...
On another note, we have decided to put some of our grief into helping others who are hurting that have lost a child. How this all happens we don't know yet but we are thinking and praying for opportunities to arise.
I will leave you with this hymn written by Frances "Franny" Crosby that touched my heart and describes again my feelings as I walk this journey. It is called "Hold Thou My Hand"
Hold Thou my hand; so weak I am, and helpless,
I dare not take one step without Thy aid;
Hold thou my hand, for then, O loving Saviour,
No dread of ill shall make my soul afraid.
Hold Thou my hand, and closer, closer draw me
To Thy dear self-my hope, my joy, my all;
Hold Thou my hand, lest haply I should wander,
And, Missing Thee, my trembling feet should fall.
Hold Thou my hand; the way is dark before me
Without the sunlight of Thy face divine;
But when by faith I catch its radiant glory,
What heights of joy, what rapturous songs are mine!
Thank you for your continuous prayers on our behalf.
Blessings to you all!