I never thought I would have some of the emotions and feelings I am experiencing since Hezekiah left. I am not sure how honest to be here on my public blog. But me, being me, I think honesty is always best and for those who take my words and use them against me I will tell you to GET A LIFE! Well actually I won't but I will hurt inside and cry if you say things you should not using my weaknesses against me.
I am sad, I am raging with anger, I am hurt, and I feel like I am well, depressed you know loosing it...going off the deep end. I am trying not to go down this road but I am heading there fast and I don't know how to stop it. I take care of the home, hubby, kids, and do what needs done. I love 6 of my children and give them what they need. My 7th child I miss beyond words and every part of me aches for him. I think of him every minute of the day. I often look at his pictures and pick up his outfit and hold it close. Is that crazy? I don't know I just am doing what feels right, what I want to do and it feels right to me.
I am mad at myself because truth be known I am mad at God. I can't figure out why he would allow this to happen to my son. Satan did it but he allowed it! He allowed Hezekiah to be taken from a God loving family who would have raised him for his glory. Yes, I know he has other plans but that offers little comfort right now. I can't believe I cannot just accept God's plan in all of this, who am I to question God. I feel guilty for the things I think and the anger that fuels inside. The anger and ache are side by side wrestling with one another to take over. One minute I am angry, the next I am weeping out of control. When will all this madness end? I feel alone, all alone as I struggle to cope with Hezekiah not being here. I feel like a "basket case" and am frustrated with myself.
Don't get me wrong, I know God is good, I know his ways are best. And I still trust him, it's just hard to move beyond all that has happened. Perhaps it's just part of the grieving process but goodness gracious I am ready to go back to "normal" again. But then what can be normal after one of your children are gone, it will always be obvious he is missing.
Also in my life other things are taking place because some people don't realize I have enough stress they like to add more. And others because things take place that I have no control over, and I question God again why he would place something I loved right back in my face! So do I go back to the "God I trust you because you know better than I". Of course I should but it is so much easier said than done.
Clearly you can see my weakness!