Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I never thought I would have some of the emotions and feelings I am experiencing since Hezekiah left. I am not sure how honest to be here on my public blog. But me, being me, I think honesty is always best and for those who take my words and use them against me I will tell you to GET A LIFE! Well actually I won't but I will hurt inside and cry if you say things you should not using my weaknesses against me.

I am sad, I am raging with anger, I am hurt, and I feel like I am well, depressed you know loosing it...going off the deep end. I am trying not to go down this road but I am heading there fast and I don't know how to stop it. I take care of the home, hubby, kids, and do what needs done. I love 6 of my children and give them what they need. My 7th child I miss beyond words and every part of me aches for him. I think of him every minute of the day. I often look at his pictures and pick up his outfit and hold it close. Is that crazy? I don't know I just am doing what feels right, what I want to do and it feels right to me.

I am mad at myself because truth be known I am mad at God. I can't figure out why he would allow this to happen to my son. Satan did it but he allowed it! He allowed Hezekiah to be taken from a God loving family who would have raised him for his glory. Yes, I know he has other plans but that offers little comfort right now. I can't believe I cannot just accept God's plan in all of this, who am I to question God. I feel guilty for the things I think and the anger that fuels inside. The anger and ache are side by side wrestling with one another to take over. One minute I am angry, the next I am weeping out of control. When will all this madness end? I feel alone, all alone as I struggle to cope with Hezekiah not being here. I feel like a "basket case" and am frustrated with myself.

Don't get me wrong, I know God is good, I know his ways are best. And I still trust him, it's just hard to move beyond all that has happened. Perhaps it's just part of the grieving process but goodness gracious I am ready to go back to "normal" again. But then what can be normal after one of your children are gone, it will always be obvious he is missing.

Also in my life other things are taking place because some people don't realize I have enough stress they like to add more. And others because things take place that I have no control over, and I question God again why he would place something I loved right back in my face! So do I go back to the "God I trust you because you know better than I". Of course I should but it is so much easier said than done.

Clearly you can see my weakness!


  1. Michele,

    First of all anyone who condemns you for being honest is no friend. Secondly thanks for being so honest and putting your heart out there for all of us. I want to be there for you and it helps to know how your feeling, so I know what to pray for specifically. I know God doesn't need specifics, but I like giving them anyway!

    I really have no idea what your going through, but I know the pain the I'm experiencing from watching you in pain and I know that I could never go through what you are going through. You are an amazing women and don't for 1 second think that just because your angry and hurt that you are any less of a christian because of it. God knows your pain and He is understanding. I know what it feels like to feel like your losing it. Mine was for other reasons and I thought I wasn't going to come out of it, but it took time and praying, and really focusing on reading the bible and journaling and prayer from friends and family. You have a lot of friends and family that are praying and care about you. And you have a great and supportive husband. Ken's always the funny guy and I've seen from this experience what a supportive and strong husband he is, you truly are blessed. Don't get me wrong I always thought Ken was great, but I just had never seen that side of him before.

    I love you and I don't know if this helps, but please know that anything you need, even just to talk...I'm only a phone call away.

  2. Michele,

    You are loved. I have never lost a child that I have given birth to, but I have had a miscarriage before and I have also lost people close to me whom I loved very much.

    One thing that helped was to, when I felt very angry, to be thankful for the time that I was able to spend carrying my baby, for the joy it brought to us, even if only momentarily. For those friends that I have lost, I focused to the honor it was to have known them and for the difference they had made in my life - that God allowed me to meet them at all.

    I realized that the depth of my hurt was an indicator of the depth of our love. I know you loved Hezekiah very much, and I am sure you are just as deeply grieving.

    As a birth instructor, I can say that you still have many maternal hormones present in your body from recently giving birth. When I was going through my miscarriage, and feeling, well, crazy, my doctor was kind enough to mention this me -- that these hormones were contributing to feeling out of control at times. It's strange, but that was comforting to know, being as I didn't really feel like "myself".

    While I'm a member of All Saints, I kinda live on the other side of the ocean at the moment. However, I know the ladies there would love to help with whatever you needed. A little over a year ago, I had a large tumor removed and I was in bed for a few weeks, just up until our move date to Japan. They brought meals and their cards and letters gave me such strength. Unlike after giving birth, I was absolutely stuck in my bed. I realized that, by resting on their help, I was essentially resting in God's hands. Please don't hesitate to call Sharon and Gregg and let them know when you're feeling blue.

    Need to head to bed here, but I will be praying for you as I fall asleep.

    Much love,

  3. You have every right in the world to feel like you do. There is nothing wrong with smelling clothes. I used to sleep with Alex's blanket mashed up against my face. It's ok. You will never go back to 'normal'. BUT - you will find your 'new normal'. Yes, He allowed it. And right now, I'm sorry - because you can't see why. But don't give up. Cry, sob, scream. It's ok - He's carrying you even though you may not be able to feel it. I'm praying that eventually He sees fit to show you tiny glimpses of 'why' as He did for me.

    Praying, praying, praying for you and yours!