Sunday, February 7, 2010
Today Hezekiah would be 1 month old. I can't help but to think of all the things I am missing out on by him not being here. It is an endless ache that is so deep within I imagine it will always be there. In time it will get easier I have heard but for now it is just as fresh as it was from the beginning. I want to go to the grave but with all this snow I can't.
Trusting God is easy when things go the way I think they should. But trusting God when things go a way I don't like or think they should is a totally different thing. I have found it even harder when there are so many unanswered questions. I have seen a weakness/sin within myself as I deal with Hezekiah not being on this Earth. I have chosen these past few days to verbally acknowledge God's faithfulness when I start to struggle or question things. It does not give me the answers I am searching for nor does it make the ache easier. What it does do is make me humble myself before the Lord acknowledging that he is faithful and that he knows better than I. I also in that short saying am acknowledging that I do not have a clue about most things, there is so much more to God than I can even imagine. I do know that someday I will know and understand why Hezekiah was taken from this Earth. But for now I must trust God and I cannot allow my feelings to take over truth.
Hezekiah is safe and alive with Jesus, a loving Father who loves him just as much as I love him. It is hard to accept this, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I miss my son SO much even though I truly could not ask for any better for my son. He is in the place where we all long to be someday and I know on the day the Lord calls me home I will be eager to go for I will see my precious son.
I got asked this week how many children I had. It felt like forever as I thought in my mind what to say but I know it was only a second or so. My answer: I have 7 children and that is how I will answer anyone from now on. If the conversation goes deeper I will explain it this way. I have 7 children and all are living because truthfully HEZEKIAH IS ALIVE. As I introduce them when I get to Hezekiah I will say he is with Jesus and how old he would have been. I like it...I love talking about him and the memories I have :) I never want to forget him and I am thankful Ken and I both agree on this.
So this week I pray I will continue to heal and grieve in a positive way giving God the glory for the great things he has done. I don't want Satan to have any room in this, in fact I want the opposite and by God's grace I will stand strong.