I have tried several times before to write this but every time I started I would end up sobbing and just quit. I came to this conclusion a few months ago and I want to share it. As I start to write I feel the tears and the knot in my throat forming.

I wouldn't change Hezekiah's life if I had the chance to do so.

Of course, I want my son to live with me and my heart desperately aches for him. But God has changed me and I don't want to give back what I have learned. If Hezekiah would have lived I would not be where I am now. Wow...that is such a hard thing to say! Ken calls Hezekiah our sharpening stone and that is exactly what he is. God has used our son to open our eyes to so many things. We have learned more than we realized how precious our children are. That we should take each moment with them and make it count. If your a parent you know the daily frustrations that can creep up and make a bad day. Ken and I now have a clear reminder that our children are not to be taken for granted. All those little things that we take for granted we don't have with Hezekiah, there are no diaper changes, sleepless nights, fussy teething baby, no struggling with Math facts or phonics sounds and we feel the loss with Hezekiah. We miss the baby steps he would be taking and we know so many things we will not experience with him.

Love your children, really enjoy them. Get down on your knees and play with them, color with them, invest your time into them. You will never regret taking the time to do this. When your little one goes to talk to you get down eye level and listen to them. When your baby cries, just stop and be thankful that cry is there. The alternative is not appealing! When your older child has an attitude take the time to talk with them, pray, and work together on the issue at hand. When your making dinner or doing dishes and no one is grateful YOU be thankful that those dishes are there. The alternative hurts! Don't worry about your social life you will have that soon enough. Just love your kids and invest everything you have in them. They are eternal, everything else is not. God has given us 7 blessings and we are so thankful for each one of them.

We also have been reminded how precious people are. It is so easy to get caught up in this temporary world that we live in. We tend to allow things to divide us that we should not. God has a plan and place for each one of his children and we need to embrace what he wants. We need to think of others before ourselves, be gracious, loving, forgiving and kind. We ought not be proud or think of ourselves better than anyone else. We should always seek do God's will not our own. We need to go outside our "box" in communicationg and reaching out to others. And above all we need to love as Christ loves us.

We also have a passion to serve God in all area's of our lives. We don't want to be fence walkers, we want to be on fire. As we have learned we need to think heavenly. When I think (earthly) of my son's body in the ground it brings me to a sobbing mess but when I think of his soul (eternally) with our Heavenly Father I can be thankful he is where we all await to be. As I continue to live on this earth I want to think heavenly. I want to use all we have for heavenly reasons, all else seems vain. I want our lives, our home, our possessions, our finances, all that we are to be open and used for God's glory. I want to keep in my mind always that people are more important than things. Of course I always have felt that way but looking back I have not always acted that way. I am thankful for God's love and forgiveness.
So I await the day until I see my son, he is safe and I am continuing by God's grace to improve in this journey. Our prayer and hearts desire continued healing and we know we will always miss Hezekiah because we love him so dearly.

Hezekiah and soaring

This evening I was reading a devotion out of Streams in the Dessert by L.B. Cowman. I read a devotion out of this once daily but this evening decided to go back in the book and read another one. What I read brought me to tears, well what doesn't bring me to tears lately. I am just going to copy what it says becuase there does not need to be an explanation, it speaks perfectly where I want and need to be.

They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)

There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."
The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up the wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.
For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies. They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. THE WEIGHTS HAD BECOME WINGS.

This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God. J.R. Miller

There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity fo rgrowth.
No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with his own hands on our shoulders is blessing. Frederick William Faber

Today was one of those days that I wish I never would have crawled out of bed. It seems everything went wrong, to start I need to go back. I purchased a used treadmill off of craigslist last weekend. It is a brand new expensive treadmill that they barely used so I was delighted with it and the price. It worked great for the 9 days that I used it, then it got stuck on the incline and has not worked since Monday. I felt so good last week the exericise was helping me. Ken spent the afternoon trying to fix it. It appears tomorrow we will find out if it will be a cheap or expensive fix!

I have felt like crying all day and dealing with everyday stresses has been hard. I miss my son so much. I struggle still with the unanswered questions that fill my mind. I don't see light at the end of the tunnel per say. I know it is there but am awaiting the day when God will lift this from me. I realize there will always be an ache for Hezekiah because he is my son and I love him so dearly. How as a mother could I not always have these feelings? But with those feelings I want peace. I want my heart to be at peace. How I cry out for God to heal my heart, to rid myself of the anger and questions. To just simply be at peace all the time without the waves that come and go.

SIMPLY AT PEACE...

On the way home from some errands this evening the kids and I were listening to Todd and Angie Smith as they spoke about their daughter Audrey who passed away. It came on right as we pulled in our driveway. Hannah asked if they could continue listening to it so I left the van run. Everyone was quiet and listening as Todd and Angie spoke about Audrey. I myself was crying as they spoke and I could hear the sniffles from the children. Some of their words were things we have felt or feel now. the pain is deep. I decided to turn the van off towards the end and we headed inside. Everyone was getting ready for bed and I noticied one of our boys was struggling. I took him aside and just hugged him. I told him I was sorry and I wish there was something I could do to take the pain from him. I reminded him that Hezekiah was safe and that someday we would see him again. I reminded him to have faith in God and trust he knows better than us. Then I started to think that Hezekiah was so blessed to have him as a brother and I lost it. The tears started flowing hard and I wept as I held my son. This boy loves his brother so much, we both stood there crying for some time. It is hard to see my children in pain, I wish I could take it from him but I cannot. I love that all my children love Hezekiah and miss him. I see how they each deal with the loss differently yet the same. How blessed I am to have these precious children.
Lord, heal my children and bring them some happiness in this area. I know you hear their specific daily prayer and Lord if it be your will answer it!

Last week we started the wood stove up as it was a bit chilly. Once it was going and we were warm I could not help but to shed a few tears as I watched the fire going. We sat in front of the stove with Hezekiah often to keep him warm. I guess starting the stove up was just yet another painful reminder that he is not here with us. As I struggled with painful thoughts I tried to think of the good things. There were many good times and good things to remember with Hezekiah but those times and things just cannot erase the pain. Tonight we started the stove again and I pulled the rocking chair over and sat right where we sat with him. I sipped some warm tea and looked at my family as they were watching a movie. So many thoughts in my mind but mostly I thought of how special Hezekiah is to us and I thought of those most precious 8 days we had with him. Oh my son...I miss you!

I thought I was doing good but last week I ended up calling my Pastor and seeking some counsel. I appreciate him very much. He told me to speak the truth even if I don't feel it. That sounds easy enough but for me it is actually hard. It is hard to speak and think something that your not really feeling. It's much easier to go on how you feel but feelings are not always accurate or truthful. I have been practicing speaking and thinking the truth and it has helped. For example the other day I was watching Naomi care for a little boy at a picnic we were at. My mind instantly went to Hezekiah and how I know she would delight in caring for him if he was here. That thought caused me some heartache but I immediately thought the truth that Hezekiah is being cared for by the ultimate provider. And as much pain as it causes me to say this I know that Hezekiah does not want to return to this Earth. I found some comfort in those thoughts and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. The hardest part of it is that I am constantly having to re direct my thinking.

I know God understands my pain and I know he loves me. For some reason he decided Hezekiah should be with him. I cannot begin to fathom it, I cannot even grasp why he would allow my family and I to suffer so. Someday I will know...someday I will see!

15 years ago

Today is our 15 year Anniversary, it's hard to believe it has been that long yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime. Both Ken and I agree that with each passing year we grow more and more in love. It is amazing how God truly has his hand on our lives and how very little control we do have over them. Our life together has been a journey, full of ups and downs but I would not trade it for anything else. I know Hezekiah has brought Ken and I even closer as we grieve, search, and continue on. Hezekiah has taught us to love even more and not take one another for granted. We are thankful for a loving Father who gives us hope and for blessing us with one another and 7 beautiful children!

Pain

Dear God,
I am wondering when the pain and sorrow will end? I know suffering is good despite the pain yet I do not want to suffer anymore. I want joy, I want peace, I want happiness. I want the tears to end for all of us. I am tired of my own tears that come on like a sudden rain storm unable to be controlled. I am tired of wiping my children's tears as they cry for their brother. I am tired of seeing my husband weep over his son! Oh Dear God, the pain and the sorrow we feel for Hezekiah is so deep and so wide. How can we ever feel the way we did before? Will we ever feel the way we did before this wretchedness? Oh Lord my God in your awesome wonder you do know what your doing and this is all a part of your great plan. Fill us with your peace and continue to give us grace and all we need as we continue to trust you.