I can finally say we are really doing better. We are no longer in the deep pit of despair. I am no longer having anxiety attacks. I am sleeping the entire night and life is back to normal. It is a new normal but we are back. Of course, we still have our moments and we always will. We love Hezekiah and will always keep his memory alive. His little life touched ours deeply.

For the first few months I was not sure I was going to make it. The pain was so deep, the tears endless, the questions, and the obvious lack of a baby so wanted. I know there is only one way I did make it. God was holding onto me giving me strength. Without a doubt I know that he carried me for alone I could not make it. I had always said I would never be able to handle the loss of a child. Well I did survive and it has made me stronger. I do not understand but I do trust God. I know he loves me and I know he loves Hezekiah. God's ways are not our ways. He has plans I cannot even comprehend in my feeble mind.

The God I thought I knew is not the God I am learning to know. He has shown me how little control I have in my life. He is teaching me to rely on him. Like a child I am learning to trust my Father. My friend Autumn came for Hezekiah's life celebration and she brought this picture her Mother in law drew. I love it and every time I look at it I am reminded of God's tender love for me. He was with me during the deepest, darkest moments of my life. He is with me now as I laugh and even when I cry. He is there...he always will be!

I don't like cold, rainy days anymore. I realize it is only my son's body that lays in the ground and that he is not there. But I still can barely take the thought that his little precious body is out there alone, in the cold rain. It just brings tears to my eyes when my mind even begins to wonder in that direction. My motherly instincts for Hezekiah will not ever cease!

We have been keeping busy here. This week is our last week of school and we are all happy about that. We have gotten most of the garden planted and have been enjoying all of our little animal friends. I am thinking about doing some projects in the house, perhaps some painting. I also need to clean out the kids rooms real well, I can't stand a cluttered house. The walls all need washed, one of the negatives of using a wood/coal stove for your heat. We also are going to do some landscaping outside.

I was sick last week and spent a few days in bed or on the couch. I found my mind often thinking of Hezekiah. I bet he would have the chubby legs all his brothers and sisters had. He would have thick black hair like Hannah and Solomon. I am sure he would be smiling at us and even giggling. His brothers and sisters would spoil him rotten. I miss changing diapers and hanging them out to dry on the line. I miss the quiet moment of nursing a sweet babe. The tears still come, the ache is still deep. Oh my sweet babe Mommy misses you! At the same time I continue to trust God and I have a peace knowing he is in control, I don't want my pain to mistaken. Hezekiah's life has changed me, God is molding and making me. In raw pain my eyes and heart are open.

I find myself worrying way to much about the future. Will I ever get pregnant? IF I get pregnant will it happen again? Could I possibly have another home birth (yes, I did just ask that question), what happens if death strikes again. All I can do is place my fears with Christ and trust him. At times it seem easy but other times it is hard. God is placing others in our life that are experiencing the loss of a child. It hurts deeply and opens it all back up to hear and watch another family prepare to loose their precious child. But it also helps us. I am thankful for God's hand upon our life. Truly our God is an awesome God.
The other day the boys were out playing baseball. They stopped and were looking up at the clouds and there was a beautiful white cloud with sun streaming down in such a miraculous way. The boys just kept looking and I wondered what they were thinking.

Life is continuing to move on as we continue to deal with the loss of Hezekiah. I cannot say it is getting easier because it is not. But I can say by God's grace we are learning to deal with it. I think the biggest improvement for me is realizing that it is ok to show my pain. I have ventured back to doing everything I did before this. There are times that the pain cannot be held in, times I cry but I just take it as it comes. And it's ok for it to be that way. I still don't like to cry in front of others but it happens. On Sunday we sang "Great is they faithfulness" and I silently cried the entire time. I admit I was worried someone would see me but I reminded myself it's ok. What Mother would not hurt and cry for her child she lost.

I also am continuing to trust God with all things. I have learned there are things I have no control over. There are questions I will never have an answer for while on this Earth. I feel peace with the future and God is making and molding me. I am thankful for his guidance and that my heart is still raw and sensitive to him.

Every time we drive past a grave yard Ruth yells out "Mommy Hezekiah go see him." It is heart wrenching, I hate the fact that my son is associated with a grave yard. UGH!! I have so much I want to say but I am SO tired, it's been a long productive day. Please continue to pray for us, we need it!

I love being outside on hard days. Last week was a week full of tears. It did not seem to matter what I was doing I would just cry. I found going outside to be helpful. I enjoyed the fresh air, watching all our new baby friends and especially seeing our children delighted with their pets. I think Ken is getting worried about what I may bring home next... :)

Remembering Hezekiah

We all have our own ways of remembering Hezekiah and continuing to keep his precious life a part of our family. Elijah is playing baseball this year and he got to pick his number for his shirt. He told me after I sent the forms in why he chose #17. He said 1=January 7=7 the day God answered my prayer for another brother.

Choices

I have been thinking much about how I have been grieving lately and have come to the conclusion that I have allowed my feelings to overtake the truth. I realize that is not healthy nor do I believe it is how God would have me deal with my pain. Thank you Jenny for your letter that lovingly confirmed this to me. Although my feelings are real and cannot be ignored I cannot allow them to control me or the truth. How can I find the truth? That answer became clear to me the other day...EAT THE BOOK! Anyone who went to Elim Bible Institute knows that saying from Bro. Ben. For those of you not blessed to be under Bro. Ben's teaching it means to continually read and meditate on the Bible. I have got to make the choice even when I don't feel like it to read God's word and pray. Often, I find myself crying and feeling lost in this grief process. Is there a certain way to do this? I don't know but I do know I want to survive and come out stronger. I have started reading, praying, and meditating even more and I have found strength in that. I still struggle, I still cry a lot, but it's different when your relying on God rather than self. I am getting to know my Father in a way I have never known him. My son Hezekiah has given me a deep, deep desire to know God even more. I realize some answers will never be answered and that is where faith, trust, and hope come in.

I have also struggled with what may come next in my life and those I love. Death has knocked on our door and has left a hole within each of our heart's. It has caused us to realize how temporary this world really is and how important people are. I worry more than I should with the 6 children living on this Earth. The other day my son came to me with a bump on his head. I thoroughly inspected it but deep within had a panic thinking it could be cancer or a tumor. Of course I quickly came back to my senses within a few seconds but I admit I am gripped with fear that one of my other children could be called home. My weaknesses are so evident, I am thankful for an understanding God who knows I am not perfect. He accepts me where I am and refines me daily. Fear is not of God so my prayer is that I rely on God even more and not fear anything. I want to be a Job who trusted God despite wretched circumstances. The story of Job makes me feel weak as I read how strong this man was but it also gives me strength to read of his strength when he lost everything. I pray God gives me strength to trust him. I am going to make the choice to not fear and if I do begin I will cry out for God's strength to make me strong. Fear is not of God.

I have had to make some hard choices and I know there will be more. I cannot sit around and sulk all day and not continue on with life. It honestly is easy to just fall apart and spend the day in bed crying but it's not appropriate nor is it what I believe God wants from me. I have to make the choice to rise above my circumstances, seeking strength from God to face the hard things head on. I believe God is calling me out of my comfort zone now, he is wanting more from me. An example is baby showers, there have been two of them since Hezekiah passed. My precious sister in law and much loved cousin both have little boys and attending their baby showers was hard. I am so happy for them but the ache of seeing those little diapers, nuks, boy clothes, and the thoughts of what could have been with Hezekiah is deep that it is hard to want to celebrate. My cousin Marcia has been an example to me and it is only since Hezekiah that I have realized it. Marcia and her husband Mike had a hard time conceiving and it was very hard on them. There were so many baby showers during her childless years. Yet Marcia always came to the showers happy and rejoicing with the mothers to be. I could at times sense the pain and sometimes even see tears swell slightly in her eyes. I only now realize to a deeper extend the longing she had as she celebrated yet mourned. She could have chosen not to come and we would all would have understood but it is obvious she clearly made the choice to celebrate with others despite her own pain. Marcia was blessed with a precious baby boy and my prayer is that God would bless her with more. Her example of putting others first before her own feelings and pain has encouraged me. The circumstances for me don't always fall in the baby shower catergory but they do fall under the choice catergory. I have choices to make and I want to make the right ones!
I am making the choice to follow truth not feelings. I am making the choice to trust God and have faith that my life is in his hands. I am making the choice to live and grow stronger. I am making the right choices by God's guidance and his strength.

Dear God,

You have given me a bitter cup to drink. The ache is unbearable at times, it never goes away nor diminishes. I know you are God, I know your ways are best, I know you love me, I know you love Hezekiah. I also know God I need you to give me the strength to deal with this. My heart cries out to you daily as I ache for my son. I need you to comfort me, to give me a peace that passes all understanding. As I struggle to grasp all that has happened and as my faith is being shaken I need you. I do not question who you are nor dare I curse your ultimate plan. I do question in my feeble mind why? So God please help me to deal with this in the way you would have me to. Give me strength spiritually, physically, and emotionally. My life is yours, I am broken in a way I have never been. Please Dear God in your way, in your time put me back together to further your glory. Keep my heart tender and my spirit awakened to you. And as I know you are love my son.