Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I can finally say we are really doing better. We are no longer in the deep pit of despair. I am no longer having anxiety attacks. I am sleeping the entire night and life is back to normal. It is a new normal but we are back. Of course, we still have our moments and we always will. We love Hezekiah and will always keep his memory alive. His little life touched ours deeply.
For the first few months I was not sure I was going to make it. The pain was so deep, the tears endless, the questions, and the obvious lack of a baby so wanted. I know there is only one way I did make it. God was holding onto me giving me strength. Without a doubt I know that he carried me for alone I could not make it. I had always said I would never be able to handle the loss of a child. Well I did survive and it has made me stronger. I do not understand but I do trust God. I know he loves me and I know he loves Hezekiah. God's ways are not our ways. He has plans I cannot even comprehend in my feeble mind.
The God I thought I knew is not the God I am learning to know. He has shown me how little control I have in my life. He is teaching me to rely on him. Like a child I am learning to trust my Father. My friend Autumn came for Hezekiah's life celebration and she brought this picture her Mother in law drew. I love it and every time I look at it I am reminded of God's tender love for me. He was with me during the deepest, darkest moments of my life. He is with me now as I laugh and even when I cry. He is there...he always will be!