I don't like cold, rainy days anymore. I realize it is only my son's body that lays in the ground and that he is not there. But I still can barely take the thought that his little precious body is out there alone, in the cold rain. It just brings tears to my eyes when my mind even begins to wonder in that direction. My motherly instincts for Hezekiah will not ever cease!
We have been keeping busy here. This week is our last week of school and we are all happy about that. We have gotten most of the garden planted and have been enjoying all of our little animal friends. I am thinking about doing some projects in the house, perhaps some painting. I also need to clean out the kids rooms real well, I can't stand a cluttered house. The walls all need washed, one of the negatives of using a wood/coal stove for your heat. We also are going to do some landscaping outside.
I was sick last week and spent a few days in bed or on the couch. I found my mind often thinking of Hezekiah. I bet he would have the chubby legs all his brothers and sisters had. He would have thick black hair like Hannah and Solomon. I am sure he would be smiling at us and even giggling. His brothers and sisters would spoil him rotten. I miss changing diapers and hanging them out to dry on the line. I miss the quiet moment of nursing a sweet babe. The tears still come, the ache is still deep. Oh my sweet babe Mommy misses you! At the same time I continue to trust God and I have a peace knowing he is in control, I don't want my pain to mistaken. Hezekiah's life has changed me, God is molding and making me. In raw pain my eyes and heart are open.
I find myself worrying way to much about the future. Will I ever get pregnant? IF I get pregnant will it happen again? Could I possibly have another home birth (yes, I did just ask that question), what happens if death strikes again. All I can do is place my fears with Christ and trust him. At times it seem easy but other times it is hard. God is placing others in our life that are experiencing the loss of a child. It hurts deeply and opens it all back up to hear and watch another family prepare to loose their precious child. But it also helps us. I am thankful for God's hand upon our life. Truly our God is an awesome God.
The other day the boys were out playing baseball. They stopped and were looking up at the clouds and there was a beautiful white cloud with sun streaming down in such a miraculous way. The boys just kept looking and I wondered what they were thinking.