On Sunday evening we put up a Christmas tree in our living room. I watched the children as they decorated the tree and they had such fun. It was a delight to watch them and talk over each ornament. Our ornaments are mostly the hallmark kids ones that mark special years or events with lots of pictures of the children as they grow up. That is when it hit me, while pulling them out and looking at each of their baby's first christmas, first year etc... I thought of Hezekiah. I did not want to ruin the moment so I held my emotions in until all the children were in bed and then I literally collapsed in Ken's arms. It felt good to let it all out and talk about everything with Ken.

So I need to get Hezekiah a hallmark babys first christmas, but I need to make sure I don't loose my emotions as I do it. These moments are hard...

Last week my dear friend Wendy made a surprise visit to our home. Wendy is a friend to both Ken and I and we love her dearly. She is a precious, loving, and kind person and her heart is very sensitive to those who are hurting. Wendy is a gem and I am thankful God placed her in my life so many years ago.

She brought us a small gift bag with Happy Birthday plates, a cake mix, icing, and some fun games to play for Hezekiah's birthday. What a thoughtful thing to do and we cannot wait to use this bag on January 7th when Hezekiah will be 1 year old.

Thank you Wendy!

Oh and don't mind our appearance in the picture we just got back from the gym :)

Today we celebrated Hannah, Naomi, and Esther's birthday. If Hezekiah were here we would have celebrated his 1st birthday with him as well. These times of "what could have been" are emotionally hard and physically draining. I made a big castle cake for the 3 girls and as I was making it I thought of how I would also be making a boy cake if Hezekiah were here. I made the cake and icing from scratch and it was a lot of work. So between my ache with Hezekiah and the icing mess up I ended up in tears. I put to much water in the icing and did not realize it until I had the entire cake iced and had the rest in icing bags ready to decorate. My dear husband wrapped his comforting arms around me and assured me it would all be ok. He encouraged me to clean up and go to bed so I did. It worked out my girls and boys were in awe with the cake and it tasted great despite how it looked. I was delighted to hear the giggles of delight coming out of their mouths as they saw the cake in the morning. This situation with the cake made me think of my son. Everything is a mess and does not look or feel good but I know from God's word and promises that it will all turn out great. One day I will see and I will be thankful God did things exactly as he has chosen to do.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Sometimes it feels like I am living in a globe watching life continue to go on as I am stuck in time. My globe has been shaken and there is still so many things floating around that I cannot yet come out. My heart desires to go back to what was before December 3, 2009 yet I realize things will never be the same. I will never be the same person, my husband and children will never be the same. I think if only I could break the globe open and just force myself to not see or acknowledge some of the pain and emotions it would be better. Yet, I know deep within I need for now to just sit and embrace all the things coming my way. I know many people cannot understand or even grasp my behaviour and pain. In their opinions I should just get over it, move on, and have this super power to surpress it all. To be honest I sometimes wish I could just get over it. But with all this pain I am growing, I am learning lessons I never would have learned. I do have power through Christ as he is sustaining me, he helps me to rise and see each day as a blessing. HE is my strength and he has me right where he wants me. I am questioning and seeking. I am leaning on my saviour and gaining strength to move forward. The day will come when my globe will break open and I shall by God's strength be strong. How foolish I would be to rush this process and miss all I am learning. I am weak but he is strong!

The past few days I have felt an underlying sadness that cannot be put aside. I always feel like crying and when I finally do cry my tears there are many. Once done crying there is eagerly yet a new set of tears ready to flow. As I prepare to celebrate Christ's birth I feel overwhelmed with many emotions. I get frustrated with myself as I struggle to totally give my son to the Lord. Of course, Hezekiah is with God the struggle is within me and my proud, arrogant self. How can I think I know better than God? If he says it's in my best interest for Hezekiah to be with him why do I question it? I find myself weak in my faith at times as I struggle beleiving all that I know is true. When I can't understand or see the big picture per say I struggle with it. I have faith and know God knows, that I freely admit but to surrender my desire is hard.

My heart desires to serve the Lord with all that is within me. I praise his holy name and know he is God. For now he carries me until I am strong enough to stand on my own!

11 months old and the quilt

Yesterday Hezekiah was 11 months old. It's hard to believe it has been that long yet at times it seems like only yesterday I was holding my precious son in my arms. These milestones are hard and each one is a reminder of what is not. I remind myself of the truths yet my heart still aches and the tears still flow.

A few months ago some ladies and girls from our church made us a quilt. They used some of Hezekiah's clothes and blankets to make it. The quilt is such a blessing to us and we cherish it. I appreciate the love and time put into this quilt, we appreciate Hezekiah being remembered. Thank you All Saints girls and ladies!

Above are some pictures of the quilt and pictures of Hezekiah using the clothes and blankets.

A year ago today

Dearest Hezekiah,
A year ago today we woke up excited because we were going for your 37 week sonogram to see you. We were planning our 4th home birth so we were having a sonogram to check my incision scar from my 3 previous c-sections. Your brothers and sisters were excited because they were each allowed to ask the technician one question about you. The only exception was they weren't allowed to find out if you were a boy or girl.

Once we got to the destination we all eagerly got out of the van and headed in. After about a 20 minute wait the technician came to get me. The room was small so she wanted to do the sonogram first and then bring your brothers and sisters back to ask their questions. Your big sister Hannah came back with me. The technician started and said you were breech, I started to cry because breech meant a c-section and I wanted a natural birth. I then proceded to tell the technician that it was ok we trust God. Little did I know what this technician was seeing as I spoke of my faith in God. Hannah asked the technician why you look like you have 4 eyes. I told Hannah how hard the sonograms are to read and that we can't see them the way professionals can. Little did I know that Hannah did see something...

At some point I knew something was wrong but the technician would not tell me what it was. I begged her to tell me but she said she couldn't. So I walked out of the building crying and told Hannah to tell your daddy to come to the van. Hannah had daddy that I needed a c-section so when he saw me crying at the van he said it's ok Michele it's just a c-section. I started crying even more and told him it's something more than that. Your brothers and sisters never got to come back to see you and as we all sat in the van everyone was quiet and nervous. After 10 minutes our midwife called. All I remember was her saying she was sorry and herself crying. Then I heard the dreaded words that you were not going to live. I threw the phone at your Daddy and jumped out of the van. I ran over to where the Amish park there buggy's and I cried so loudly. I could barely breathe and all I wanted to do was just scream. How could this be true?

After awhile your Daddy came to me with tears in his eyes and wrapped his arms around me. I looked into his eyes for some comfort but could not find any. Together we cried in disbelief at what we had just learned. We went back to the van and there your brothers and sisters were crying and scared. We could not even reassure them because we ourselves were a mess. The ride back home was long and quiet, all to be heard was sniffles from crying. About halfway home I told your Daddy I wanted to know if you were a boy or girl. We both agreed that we wanted to call you by your name. Once home your daddy fell on his knees in the mud room and cried like I have never heard him cry. He was broken, I was broken, and there stood your brothers and sisters at such young tender ages broken.

This day a year ago was wretched and only the beginning of many tears, enormous heartache, and many unknowns. Today there were some tears, some heartache, still some unknowns but there was some laughter.

We miss you and love you sweet boy.