This afternoon my thoughts went to my sweet son. I was waiting for one of the children to finish classifying their sentences in Grammar and I imagined that if Hezekiah were here I would be holding him during the lesson. I love to hold my babies and I hold them as much as I can, after all I do have lots of competition here with Daddy and the older children. Oh to be able to cuddle my sweet son. I often close my eyes and take my mind back to when he was here cherishing every memory I have of him. When Hezekiah was with us he was held 24/7, the only time we put him down was to change his diaper, clothes, or head dressing. I can so vividly remember holding him and looking down at him gazing forever trying to take in every inch of him.
So how are we? That is a question I am asked a lot. So here is a detailed answer. I physically am feeling great. I feel that God blessed me with my c-section because I have no complaints and feel like I never even had surgery. At my 6 week check up 2 weeks ago all looked well and the Doctor told me I could have more children (which we are very thankful for) but that I should wait 6 months to give my uterus time to heal. Those 6 months seem like forever away as I long for a baby to fill our home but I know it will go fast. Another child would never take Hezekiah's place as he has a very special place in all our hearts but babies bring a special joy to our home. So we shall wait and see what God has in store for us.
Emotionally I have my moments, sometimes it's just to much and I cry. I have been trying to just let the tears come when they do and not hold them back. I find when I hold them back it just builds up and then I have an "explosion". I don't like to show my emotion to others but I am learning it's best to just let my feelings come out. My emotions need to be controlled at times when I go down the wrong road with my thoughts and endless questions and that is when spiritually comes in.
Spiritually I am growing, by God's grace. I am learning many things but I want to specifically talk about one thing right now. I have always taken my role as a wife and mother seriously. Of course, I have my faults and weaknesses and I fail miserably but I do the best I can with what I have. Since Hezekiah past I have come to realize that I have been doing the wife and mom thing on my own and have not sought the Lord as much as I should. I will give you a specific example. How many times have you as a Mom just been plain exhausted and had a full sink of dishes to finish up? Many times as I stand over the sink finishing up the dishes I think about how no-one appreciates the work I am doing, how it is just expected that I will do it. I sometimes would verbally express these opinions to my husband and children as I worked. I am ashamed of my actions because I was doing "my" work for the wrong reasons. When I serve my husband and children I am to do it as unto the Lord. I need to see it that I am ministering to Ken and my children, but I am serving God. I am not doing this for myself, Ken, or my children but for God as he has given these responsibilities to me. Once I realized my sin and repented I started to think differently. I now remind myself that I am serving God as I do my work and I need to do it as unto him (for him) with a pure heart and gratefulness. I also need to rise up early and seek him asking for his strength as I go about my day. I have found renewed strength with this "attitude adjustment" and it has been a blessing to not only me but my family. I have been able to encourage my children as they do their work that they are doing it for the Lord. It is easy to do work and seek rewards or compliments for what we do. But I need to be humble and see it as pure joy to serve those who God places in my life.
I also have learned that God must be first in my life. I have neglected my relationship with him and have used my family as an excuse. How hard it is to rise up even earlier to read his word or stay up later to read and pray, yep those are my excuses. And they can be considered valid but they are not. God comes first and I must take the time for him, I must renew my spirit and mind. What a difference in the day when I take time for God first and serve him putting my self on the back burner...to die to self!
Here is the prayer I say every morning and night:
Almighty God, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid; cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify they holy name: through Christ our Lord. Amen
As for Ken, he is a blessing to me beyond words. He has been the "rock" for our family during this difficult time. He misses Hezekiah just as much as the rest of us. Hezekiah has softened his heart and made him a better man. I think I should let him share those details but he is doing well. He works hard to provide for us and comes home ready to serve some more. Truly, the children and I are blessed. I love my husband more and more with each passing day!
The children each miss Hezekiah and have dealt with the loss differently. Some have showed signs of stress just as I have as they tend to hold things in. I have been sharing the scriptures my Pastor has given to me and share my heart with them and it is helping. Others speak openly of their feelings and often talk of their pain and ask many questions. All of the children cry at times for him, and their tears make my heart ache even more if that is possible. There are many pictures drawn for him and his name is mentioned at least once a day. The little girls have pictures of him all the time carrying them around. Sunday was my first time back at church and things went great until my 5 year old sat beside me after communion and had his picture in her hand. I about lost it and wanted her to put the picture away. But, I reminded myself that it is her way of dealing with loosing him. I love when they sit and sing while looking at his picture, it melts and breaks my heart at the same time. I think we all are doing ok, grieving together and learning how to move on yet remember our precious son/brother.
As we still question why, we have peace, we have hope, and we have the assurance that God has a plan and a purpose beyond what we can imagine.