Merry Christmas Hezekiah

   We celebrated the birth of Jesus this week and we are thankful that God sent his son so we might have eternal life.  As we celebrated there was a noticable "hole" within our family.  We miss Hezekiah every day but the holidays, milestones, and family events are much harder.  We wanted to include Hezekiah in our Christmas celebrations as much as we could.  There were tears shed as we tried to balance our emotions with logic. Remembering Hezekiah and his life will always be a part of what we do.  His life as is every other life is important and we could never forget him.

Dearest Hezekiah,
   On Christmas Eve we made our gingerbread houses and Daddy made yours for you.  I imagine if you were here you would have eaten more candy than what you put on your gingerbread house. Your brothers and sisters giggled and had such fun putting their houses together. We had burgers and fries for dinner and then headed to the living room to open up our stockings.  Everyone started to check out what was in their stockings all at once and when they were done your and Job's stocking still sat there.  Ruth emptied Job's for him and Elijah glady offered to do yours.  As he took out your two little trucks, a ball, and a Thomas tears started to roll down my cheeks. Oh my son, it hurts so deeply.  How my heart longs for you to be here as an earthly part of our family. I would have loved to see your eyes light up in delight as you opened your stocking and then played with your trucks, Thomas train, and ball.  As I was embracing the pain within I could hear your Daddy crying across the room.  Then I looked around and all your brothers and sisters had tears in their eyes. Hezekiah you are so missed and loved.  As a family we talked about you again and prayed for God's continued healing for our hearts. We reminded ourselves again of God's promises and that we will see you again.
We spent the rest of the evening playing games and watching Ruth bounce off the walls per say. I know she ate way more candy than what went on her gingerbread house :)

   On Christmas morning we opted to stay home from church.  Your baby brother Job is still young and we did not want him catching a virus. We started opening presents and each of your siblings was so gracious and thankful. I wanted very much to buy you a present and I almost did.  But logically thinking your not here so there is no point in doing so. Although hard these are the things we must accept and we trust God knowing his ways are not our ways and he knows best. We know your safe and we look forward to seeing you again soon.

Mommy

   It's hard to beleive that Job will be 1 month old in three days, time is going so fast.  It feels like he has been here forever yet at the same time it seems like just yesterday I was walking down the hall to have him delivered.  Job continues to be a source of joy for us all.  There is not enough of this little guy for our family.  He is always being held and someone is always asking to hold him.  Because I am a nursing Mama I get my fair share of holding him and at night no-one offers to get up so I get lots of rocking and snuggling all to myself.  I appreciate Job so much and am loving these tender moments with him that I know will go away all to soon.  I have spend the last two weeks resting and sleeping. Ken took off and made sure I was able to rest and he took care of the older children and our home. I am healing well from my c-section and am starting to get back into daily life and being able to do things.  As much as I hated all the sitting and not being able to do things, I am sure in a few weeks I will look back on these days and come to miss them. Who doesn't love to just sit and snuggle a precious baby.

   I did have a few hard days where all I did was cry.  I could not stop thinking of Hezekiah and I felt as if I had gone back to the first days after he went to be with Jesus.  I remember sitting on the couch one day as the children were surrounded around me watching a movie.  I looked at each one and I "noticied" that this blonde haired active almost 2 year old was missing.  My heart was heavy and hurting and I just cried and cried and cried.  I remember telling Ken that all I was doing was crying that day and I could not stop.  He assured me to "go with it" and cry when I felt the urge which I continued to do the next few days.  I often held it in and let loose in the shower when I was by myself.  I wept begging God to comfort me once again.  I had to remind myself of the truth over and over again.  I should not feel sorry for myself or question why or think of the way it should be.  I reminded myself things are exactly how they should be, this is EXACTLY how God wants it.  Even though it hurts the truth is what gives me hope and the strength to go on. Our precious Hezekiah is exactly where God wants him!  Job is not Hezekiah and he does not per say trigger these emotions.  Job being born is just one more joyful thing we celebrate and Hezekiah is not here. That is when the reminding ache comes. But thankfully I have a saviour who I can trust and know that in the end I will SEE it all.

   My family is a gift and each day is to be cherished, for truly we do not know what tomorrow brings. Thank you Jesus for my husband and our 8 blessings!

Happy 11th Birthday Solomon

Solomon celebrated his 11th birthday on Nov 8th.  He loved his lego gift but said the birth of his brother Job was the best birthday present ever. Solomon and Job share a birthday and Solomon could not be happier about it. Happy Birthday Solomon and Job!

Job Hezekiah Myers is here

Job was born on 11/08/11 weighing 9 lbs 3 ounces 21 inches long.  He has been a source of joy to us all.  We absolutely adore him.  I am recovering from my c-section well and will write more later.

Sometimes words aren't needed...21 months old!

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I have posted anything. We are full swing into schooling and enjoying the days of learning together. I am so blessed to be at home and able to teach my children. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and works hard to provide for us so I can be home. How blessed I am! On Wed I will be 33 weeks pregnant with Job (long o) and am feeling far along. Although the minor aches are there I am so thankful for them. It is such a precious blessing to carry a child within. We are anxious to meet Job and I know the next few weeks are going to go very fast, it won't be long until we finally meet our newest precious boy.

How am I doing with Hezekiah? Well, I still think of him several times a day and I still cry often. When I say I know it also means Ken and Hezekiah's siblings. My heart aches for my son just as much as it did the day he went to be with Jesus and I know that will never change. I am learning how to continue on without him here. I am nervous about the feelings that will come when Job is born. I know Job is not Hezekiah and I do not want him to ever feel like he is a replacement because he is not. I know the first few weeks are going to bring some emotion for all of us and we are preparing to deal with it by God's grace. We have done as much preparing as we can and are planning on including Hezekiah in as much as we can. Obviously we know he is not here but he still is our son/brother and we cannot pretend he never existed. This is a "delicate" thing and we often find people offering their advice to us or more often to other family members about how we should not do this or they don't understand why we would do that. We do understand why they don't get it because they haven't walked it and we wish grace and love would be shown rather than judgemental comments. Hezekiah continues to be the sharpening arrow that God is using in our lives. We love and miss him so much!

After we found out Job was a boy we went shopping and each of the children picked out an outfit for him. All of the children picked Job's outfit out from Hezekiah. The picture above is of the outfits they picked along with a baby book, nuks, and two swaddle blankets they choose. This is something we normally do after our 37 week sonogram but with Hezekiah we came home in tears and broken hearted due to his diagnosis. This time was a celebration that we all enjoyed. We have never found out the sex of our baby before so it was kind of fun to buy specifically for Job knowing he was a boy. We even went miniature golfing and out to eat. We have had fun preparing for Job to come. I am by nature a planner and need to have things in order. It does not always work out that way but I do try. Job's crib is set up and his new outfits are washed and ready. Now I must restrain myself from buying anything else (my Mom's strict orders :) ) and from setting things up downstairs. It is to early to do that but I admit I am very anxious to do so. I normally wait until 2 weeks before to set up the pack n play in order to prepare the younger children.

I am still not positive on how I will deliver Job but we are praying and we know that God knows. If you think of it please pray for us. I had my first 3 by c-section then my next 3 vbac home births. Hezekiah was a c-section so that is 4 c-sections and 3 vbac's. I would love to have another vbac for obvious reasons but am unsure at this time. I am trusting God will make his will clearly known to us. Well I must go get my precious one's ready for bed.

Blessing # 8 blue or pink?

Our 20 week sonogram went very well this morning. It was such a delijght for us all to see this precious life within my womb. We are so thankful for this blessed arrow. We found out that we are having a boy :) We are honored that God has blessed us with our fourth son.

We always choose a biblical hebrew name for our children as a first name. We select a name because of the meaning or the Godly character of the person. Our 4th son's name will be Job. Job was a most faithful and Godly patriarch. God removed his protection from Job and allowed Satan to take his wealth, his children, and his physical health. Job did protest his plight and plead for an explanation but he stops short of accusing God of injustice.

The story of Job has been a source of greath strength for us during these past 17 months. We were encouraged by Job's faithfullness and commitment despite his afflictions.

Before Satan attacked Job he had 7 sons, 3 daughters, seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred female donkeys. All of his treasure and his children were taken from him. When God restored Job he was blessed with double of what he lost. God blessed him with 7 sons, 3 daughters, fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, one thousand yoke of oxen, and one thousand female donkeys. Take a look at his children. Job had 7 sons and 3 daughters before he was attacked by satan. God did not double his children when he restored him. Why? Because Job did not loose his first 7 sons and 3 daughters. From an eternal perspective which is how we as christians are to believe HIS CHILDREN ARE ALIVE. This revelation that our Pastor pointed out brought such peace and joy to us. Our precious Hezekiah IS alive, he just lives in Heaven. We will see him again and what hope that brings to our aching hearts.

May our son Job be a man of God that has Job's character and faith.

For a middle name we name our children after someone we love or admire. We have chosen to name Job after his big brother Hezekiah. Hezekiah's life changed our lives forever and who we are for the glory and honor of God. We miss Hezekiah and deeply wish he was with us but we are thankful for the lessons that we have learned during this difficult journey.

We covet your continued prayers for our family as we still mourn the loss of Hezekiah and for our new son Job Hezekiah Myers that God would keep him safe and healthy.

12 week sonogram of baby # 8

Today Ken and I went for a 12 week sonogram for our precious baby in womb. I have to admit this week has been very stressful for me because of the anticipation of this sonogram. I was afraid this baby could be anacephalic or something else could be wrong. It is not fear as many think, it's reality for us. I can no longer assume after the situation with Hezekiah that I will have a healthy pregnancy and baby. Before we got out of the van Ken prayed for our visit. We both agree that despite any diagnosis that this baby is a gift from God and we will love him/her unconditionally. It doesn't matter if he/she is deformed or only given a few days to live we would give this precious child our all.

Once we got into the sonogram room my nerves were really a mess. Ken gently grabbed my hand and the sonogram started. I could not look at the screen so I asked the technician to just tell me if the head is ok. She said it looked good, I continued to question her and made sure there was a skull and the baby was not anacephalic. She said the baby was not anacephalic and tears streamed down my face with a loud Thank you Jesus. I then looked and saw our precious baby moving all over the place. It truly was amazing to see him/her wiggle all around. We even got to see the mouth swallowing. The sonogram ended with everything being ok. We walked out with a handful of pictures and smiles on our faces. Ken took me over to Babies R Us to pick out a blanket so we could show the children a visual of what they would later learn.

We headed home to pick up the children. They asked us to tell them the diagnosis at Hezekiah's grave so we got them and headed to our special spot. Ken told me not to smile or say anything and I have to admit I felt horrible doing so. I felt as if I was inflicting pain upon them emotinally but they handled it very well. Once at the church Ken told the children to head back to Hezekiah's spot. We waited a few seconds and headed back ourselves. A wave of emotions hit me and I loudly said "why Hezekiah, why did he have to be the one who had to go". I fell apart and Ken put his arm around me and reassured me that God is good and his plans are better than ours. That Hezekiah is safe and loved dearly where he is. I arrived at Hezekiahs spot full of tears which was not good for the children as I could see the fear in their eyes. Immediately Ken started to pray and he said "Thank you Lord for this healthy child you have blessed us with." At that moment everyone was sobbing and we started hugging one another. How can I explain the tears of joy knowing our baby is ok yet the tears of sadness that we so deeply feel for Hezekiah. It was another awesome moment as a family that we all will cherish.

THEN...we pulled out our visual from Babies R US and showed the children a blanket that clearly showed the technician's opinion on if we were having a boy or girl. There was delight, absolute delight and some more tears. We are not going to share that news for now ( I know it's so rude to do this) because there is a chance she could be wrong although she is pretty confident of herself. We then proceeded to clean up around Hezekiah's grave and the children did their normal fixing and rearranging things.

I am anxious to celebrate this baby within me now as I have been so reserved to do. I know I will still struggle but I know God's word is still true. Despite my circumstances God's word never changes, he is always faithful and he has my best interest at heart even when it hurts!

On Friday we headed out to Hezekiah's grave site. Going to a grave site is a wretched thing, death however is a part of this sinful world that we live in. I can't just pass by or see a grave site without thinking of those who are left behind hurting. As we got out of the van Hannah, Elijah, Solomon, Naomi, Esther, and Ruth picked what colored balloon they wanted to send up to their brother. They picked the colors blue and yellow this month for him. Once they had their balloon in hand they headed back to Hezekiah's spot. My heart delights in watching the children run back to their brothers spot with balloons and letters in hand. Ken and I always walk hand in hand in silence and often tears are already falling down our cheeks before we get to our destination. Once we are all there we have silence and tears. I now know that no amount of time will take our deep ache and the reality of our loss away. Our wound is deep and raw, there is no scab or band-aid for it. We will continually rely on God as our strength to continue on in this journey. We have been forever changed! We each said what we want to say to Hezekiah and when the last person was finished we released the balloons together. We once again stood in silence as we watch the balloons go higher and higher. This time Ken and I snuck away for a few seconds to fix up Hezekiah's grave marker. When the children turned around this is what they saw. It was a few seconds until Solomon said "Are you serious?" I said yes, Elijah then fell on the ground with his arms and feet going in all directions giggling in joy. Solomon followed in his footsteps while Hannah cried tears of joy. Naomi, Esther, and Ruth came up for a closer look. I read the t-shirt to them and then said to Esther "what does it mean if Hezekiah is a big brother?" She looked deep in thought then Naomi whispered in her ear. All of a sudden she yells "your pregnant." I said yes I am and Hezekiah is going to be a big brother. Esther then said "how did that happen?" She very quickly started running all around yelling "mommys pregnant and were going to have a baby." There was so much joy and excitement. It was the first time there was joy while we stood in this spot. I then pulled out another yellow balloon and we sent it up to Hezekiah from the baby. I also purchased a stuffed monkey for us to put the Im a big brother t-shirt onto so we could leave it at Hezekiah's grave. Once done Ken and I sat and watched as the children laughed, sang, wrestled, and played with the little things they leave at Hezekiah's grave. It truly was a moment that we will always cherish. We stayed for well over an hour just taking it all in.

Of course, I couldn't help but think of Hezekiah and how I wish he were here and how I wish things were different. I am also thankful God blessed us with another precious baby. It has been a prayer of ours for many months now.

This precious baby will bring joy to our home however he/she will not take the place of Hezekiah, there is no substitute for our son/brother. This precious child cannot possibly take our pain away nor diminish it. Hezekiah is a blessing from God and his life is precious. We look forward to the blessings in the future and we are anxious to let this new baby know about Hezekiah his/her big brother.

Yesterday we went to go fill our water containers with water from a spring nearby. When we go there we pass Hezekiah's grave and of course we cannot just drive past and not stop. I remember at Christmas we drove past and did not stop and I promised myself I would never do that again. It hurts to much to not stop. We stopped and as we walked back I saw most of the snow was gone. Last time we went we had to walk in wet, cold snow. The kids all ran back to their brother and as I walked arm in arm with hubby I cried, it's just horrible that we even have a grave for our 13 month old. Ken remined me that Hezekiah is not here and I know that. But his sweet face, tiny toes, chubby cheeks, button nose, and all the physical parts I remember of him are. Yes, under the ground where I will never see them again but they are there. Going to the grave is a time of weeping, I don't know that I can even explain the deep pain within. But when we leave we feel refreshed. I think it's important to make sure we take the time to let the pain out. It's always in there and it's good to release it. The kid's fixed up his army men they left there and we cleaned up the broken balloons from last time. I am anxious to take some flowers there. We miss our son and brother and time does not erase that!

Happy Valentines Day

Today, 13 months ago Hezekiah went to be with Jesus. Just thinking of that day and those moments make me cry and unearth a deep ache within. This afternoon when it seemed to overwhelm me I prayed and asked God for strength and I reminded myself over and over again that God is faithful and his ways are best. Finally Ken arrived home and his hug brought my tears to full bloom. I am so thankful for my husband, his compassion, patience and understanding and for his love to Hezekiah.

After dinner we read The story of St. Valentine to the children. Then Ken and I each read a note we wrote to one another. We want our children to know how important our marriage is and how we honor our commitment we made to one another before God. We honor God when we honor each other.

So here is the mushy stuff :) This year we got some giggly, gagging noises from the kiddo's as we were reading. It was a fun memorable time.

Dearest Michele,
You have made me truly happy. God has sent me a gift, a reward. It is so easy to love you. I am so proud to have you as my wife. Between your beauty and your wisdom, your grace and charity give me honor. When you are quiet I simply admire my pretty wife. When you speak, the words are intellegible like devine scripture. Your actions towards others are like fine trim on a opulent home. You let others hurt you, because you hope the best from them. But graciously you try again. I beg you to stop letting them. But you are not like me. You continue on, so while I get frustrated by this I can't help but admire you. I am bursting with pride, joy, admiration, and gratefulness over the Lord's gift to me.
I love you,
Ken

Ken,
I hope everyday I portray these thoughts to you. I am so thankful to have you as my husband. With each passing year I love you move and more. You truly are my handsome knight in shining armour. I admire your commitment to me and our children and how your content to just be with us. You work long and hard days to provide for us. It delights my soul in how you love and care for our 7 children. I know our children are truly blessed to have a fun, hands on daddy like you. You have a vision for your family and as a strong leader you lead us. Even when things get tough your like a mighty warrior who plunges forward and keeps on going. You have no fear because your trust is in our creator. Your humble and giving constantly, thinking of others before yourself. Every direction if it be of goodness or pain you are not afraid to lead us and when things get tough you instantly take us as a family to our knees in prayer. I will never forget your strength as we prepared and watched our precious son go onto eternity. You are a rock. Your a man of truth who honestly shares your faults and seeks to honor God in all you say, think, and do. You don't just talk it you walk it. I love quiet moments with you. I love your strength both physically and mentally. I can look into your eyes and you say nothing but I know your thoughts by the look in your eyes and the smile on your face. You make me want to be a better person. Your a man of priceless value and I am so glad that your mine. I thank God for choosing you to be my husband.
I love you forever macho man :)
Yours Forever,
Michele

13 months old

Today Hezekiah is 14 months old. I often think of how he would be walking around, teething, and getting into everything. I wonder what he looks like and which brother and/or sister he would most resemble. I long to hear his cry, giggle, and babbling.

We went to his grave and the kids took black and yellow balloons. Yes, we are Steelers fans :) Ken worked a bit late so it was almost dark and starting to rain by the time we got there. We had to tread the snow and the kids made a snowman. They laid the pictures they made for him in his little box. Of course, as usual there are tears. We miss our son/brother very much.

Celebrating Hezekiah Day

We celebrated Hezekiah Day on January 9th. Before I go into our events on that day let me go back a bit. Every time we have a baby we get the children gifts from the baby. Hezekiah was due on December 30, 2009 which is also my birthday. Since he was due so close to Christmas we opted not to do Christmas presents as we are rather elaborate in our gifts from the baby. It was a minor concern but we were not sure how we were going to give the gifts due to not knowing how long Hezekiah was going to live. It was a prayer of ours to bring Hezekiah home and be able to give the gifts with him alive and us all together. God answered that prayer on January 9, 2010. Hezekiah and I came home :) What a joyous day it was to walk into the house and have all 7 of our children there. We have very fond memories of that day. Ken and the children had all the gifts in piles ready and I sat holding Hezekiah watching as my precious older children opened their presents. The entire day went to fast, it is one we will never forget.

So this year the children decided they did not want any Christmas gifts but instead wanted to do gifts on what they have named as "Hezekiah Day." We exchanged names and each person bought their name. In the morning Ken read some scripture and then we each went around and said one moment we held being special with Hezekiah. It was hard for us to pick just one but here is what was said.

Ken-The moment he was born and I finally saw my son. He came out crying loudly and was strong. I felt such intense love for him and was overtaken by my emotions.

Michele-When I held Hezekiah for the first time and also at home when Ken placed him in my arms. I did not think that moment would come. For a small time I forgot that death was lingering around us and enjoyed all 7 of my children in our home.

Hannah-When I would tickle under his chin he would smile for me.

Elijah-When Mom and Hezekiah came home and I could hold him. I liked us being together as a family.

Solomon-I liked holding Hezekiah and looking at him. I was happy when Mom and Hezekiah came home.

Naomi-I like when Mom and Hezekiah came home. I loved to hold Hezekiah.

Esther-I love Hezekiah and that he came home. I love my Hezekiah baby that Hezekiah got for me.

Ruth-Holding and kissing Hezekiah with Mommy.

As you have read holding and kissing and being together was what we all are so thankful for.

Once we finished talking we started by giving the chidlren each a bear in memory of Hezekiah. These bears were made by Carol in memory of her son Keith.

They are precious and priceless. Carol used clothes or blankets on the bears ears and feet that was Hezekiah's and the children recognized that on their own immediately. Carol also put a patch on the back of the bears that said the child's name along with in memory of Hezekiah. These bears are the favorite gift on Hezekiah Day. The children have not stopped carrying them around and they are tightly snuggled beside them at night. We also gave them a picture photo book that has pictures. I used pictures of Hezekiah and each child's is a bit different with pictures of them in as well. I am thankful we had those 2 gifts on this day. Thanks to Carol a precious woman who is using her aching heart to bless others.

Then we dug into the other presents in an ordered way of course. We spent the afternoon enjoying our gifts and one another. Towards the later afternoon we had some cake. My friend Wendy had brought us some cake stuff earlier so we made it for this day. Thanks Wendy! My sister in law Lauren stopped over and brought us a small cake and cupcakes also to celebrate Hezekiah's birthday. What a blessing to us to know others care...thanks Lauren, Ben, and Noah.

Our day ended well. I am thankful for Hezekiah and his precious life...we choose to celebrate his life! Of course there is sadness and our hearts ache but for us we must remember these precious days he was on this earth. It helps in our healing and it helps us to remember the good when the bad seems so overwhelming. Thank you Lord for the blessing of Hezekiah and for letting him come home. For making sure even the minor things such as the gifts all worked out!

Happy 1st Birthday Hezekiah

Today we celebrated Hezekiah's 1st birthday. It is hard to believe it has been a year already, the time has flown right by. I know at this time a year ago I was so excited to be holding my son, amazed at how perfect he was. I was so happy he was alive and with us.

We decided we will celebrate Hezekiah's birthday every year. There will not be a memorial on this day just a birthday party. The reason for this is how we see Hezekiah and what we believe about eternity. Hezekiah is alive and that fact is what gives us the hope to go on. We want to celebrate every year the precious son and brother that God placed in our lives. I was chosen to be Hezekiah's mommy, to carry him in my womb and care for him while he was on this earth. Ken was chosen as his daddy to care and love him as well on this earth. Hannah, Elijah, Solomon, Naomi, Esther, and Ruth were chosen to be his brothers and sisters and none of this was a mistake. Infact it has been planned for before we even knew. Of course, Hezekiah's birthday parties will be different because he is not physically here but we still rejoice in his birth day!

This afternoon we took a wooden cross we made for Hezekiahs grave marker until we decide what to get permanetly put in. Ken parked further up so I had to carry the white cross to his grave site. It was not heavy but as I carried it back the lane I started to cry. Ken met me about half way and took the wooden cross from me. He put his arm around me and I said to him "this is the cross God wants us to carry." We finished the walk back silently. We decided where to put it and I left with the children to get some balloons. When we arrived back Ken was finished digging the hole and had everything in it's place.

Once everyone was out of course there were tears all around. We started by each releasing a balloon for Hezekiah with the children attaching a letter to him. It was cold so we moved things along quickly. We then proceeded to read a letter and open a gift left by Rodney, Janae, and Aliya (who is in heaven). It was so precious and we loved their thoughtfullness. Then we lit a candle and tried to sing happy birthday. It was almost impossible because at that point we were all sobbing. After our failed attempt Elijah blowed out the candle and we placed a stuffed bear and a jingle bell from each child. We held hands, prayed, and cried some more. Oh how we miss Hezekiah.

We then headed home and after some supper we lit some cupcakes lovingly provided by Paula. Again we were blessed with such love shown to Hezekiah and us. We enjoyed eating the cupcakes with some Happy Birthday plates Wendy provided. We spent the evening relaxing and preparing for "Hezekiah day" on January 9th which will be a memorial for him. I will write more about that later.

I also was blessed by several phone calls and facebook messages in regards to Hezekiah's birthday. There is no way to possibly express how thankful we are to those who remember Hezekiah and make the time to let us know. It helps us in the process of healing!

Esther and Hezekiah share a birthday. Esther turned 6 and is absolutely delighted that she shares a birthday with Hezekiah. We are so thankful for these 2 precious blessings God gave to us!