On Friday we headed out to Hezekiah's grave site. Going to a grave site is a wretched thing, death however is a part of this sinful world that we live in. I can't just pass by or see a grave site without thinking of those who are left behind hurting. As we got out of the van Hannah, Elijah, Solomon, Naomi, Esther, and Ruth picked what colored balloon they wanted to send up to their brother. They picked the colors blue and yellow this month for him. Once they had their balloon in hand they headed back to Hezekiah's spot. My heart delights in watching the children run back to their brothers spot with balloons and letters in hand. Ken and I always walk hand in hand in silence and often tears are already falling down our cheeks before we get to our destination. Once we are all there we have silence and tears. I now know that no amount of time will take our deep ache and the reality of our loss away. Our wound is deep and raw, there is no scab or band-aid for it. We will continually rely on God as our strength to continue on in this journey. We have been forever changed! We each said what we want to say to Hezekiah and when the last person was finished we released the balloons together. We once again stood in silence as we watch the balloons go higher and higher. This time Ken and I snuck away for a few seconds to fix up Hezekiah's grave marker. When the children turned around this is what they saw. It was a few seconds until Solomon said "Are you serious?" I said yes, Elijah then fell on the ground with his arms and feet going in all directions giggling in joy. Solomon followed in his footsteps while Hannah cried tears of joy. Naomi, Esther, and Ruth came up for a closer look. I read the t-shirt to them and then said to Esther "what does it mean if Hezekiah is a big brother?" She looked deep in thought then Naomi whispered in her ear. All of a sudden she yells "your pregnant." I said yes I am and Hezekiah is going to be a big brother. Esther then said "how did that happen?" She very quickly started running all around yelling "mommys pregnant and were going to have a baby." There was so much joy and excitement. It was the first time there was joy while we stood in this spot. I then pulled out another yellow balloon and we sent it up to Hezekiah from the baby. I also purchased a stuffed monkey for us to put the Im a big brother t-shirt onto so we could leave it at Hezekiah's grave. Once done Ken and I sat and watched as the children laughed, sang, wrestled, and played with the little things they leave at Hezekiah's grave. It truly was a moment that we will always cherish. We stayed for well over an hour just taking it all in.

Of course, I couldn't help but think of Hezekiah and how I wish he were here and how I wish things were different. I am also thankful God blessed us with another precious baby. It has been a prayer of ours for many months now.

This precious baby will bring joy to our home however he/she will not take the place of Hezekiah, there is no substitute for our son/brother. This precious child cannot possibly take our pain away nor diminish it. Hezekiah is a blessing from God and his life is precious. We look forward to the blessings in the future and we are anxious to let this new baby know about Hezekiah his/her big brother.