Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I can finally say we are really doing better. We are no longer in the deep pit of despair. I am no longer having anxiety attacks. I am sleeping the entire night and life is back to normal. It is a new normal but we are back. Of course, we still have our moments and we always will. We love Hezekiah and will always keep his memory alive. His little life touched ours deeply.

For the first few months I was not sure I was going to make it. The pain was so deep, the tears endless, the questions, and the obvious lack of a baby so wanted. I know there is only one way I did make it. God was holding onto me giving me strength. Without a doubt I know that he carried me for alone I could not make it. I had always said I would never be able to handle the loss of a child. Well I did survive and it has made me stronger. I do not understand but I do trust God. I know he loves me and I know he loves Hezekiah. God's ways are not our ways. He has plans I cannot even comprehend in my feeble mind.

The God I thought I knew is not the God I am learning to know. He has shown me how little control I have in my life. He is teaching me to rely on him. Like a child I am learning to trust my Father. My friend Autumn came for Hezekiah's life celebration and she brought this picture her Mother in law drew. I love it and every time I look at it I am reminded of God's tender love for me. He was with me during the deepest, darkest moments of my life. He is with me now as I laugh and even when I cry. He is there...he always will be!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I don't like cold, rainy days anymore. I realize it is only my son's body that lays in the ground and that he is not there. But I still can barely take the thought that his little precious body is out there alone, in the cold rain. It just brings tears to my eyes when my mind even begins to wonder in that direction. My motherly instincts for Hezekiah will not ever cease!

We have been keeping busy here. This week is our last week of school and we are all happy about that. We have gotten most of the garden planted and have been enjoying all of our little animal friends. I am thinking about doing some projects in the house, perhaps some painting. I also need to clean out the kids rooms real well, I can't stand a cluttered house. The walls all need washed, one of the negatives of using a wood/coal stove for your heat. We also are going to do some landscaping outside.

I was sick last week and spent a few days in bed or on the couch. I found my mind often thinking of Hezekiah. I bet he would have the chubby legs all his brothers and sisters had. He would have thick black hair like Hannah and Solomon. I am sure he would be smiling at us and even giggling. His brothers and sisters would spoil him rotten. I miss changing diapers and hanging them out to dry on the line. I miss the quiet moment of nursing a sweet babe. The tears still come, the ache is still deep. Oh my sweet babe Mommy misses you! At the same time I continue to trust God and I have a peace knowing he is in control, I don't want my pain to mistaken. Hezekiah's life has changed me, God is molding and making me. In raw pain my eyes and heart are open.

I find myself worrying way to much about the future. Will I ever get pregnant? IF I get pregnant will it happen again? Could I possibly have another home birth (yes, I did just ask that question), what happens if death strikes again. All I can do is place my fears with Christ and trust him. At times it seem easy but other times it is hard. God is placing others in our life that are experiencing the loss of a child. It hurts deeply and opens it all back up to hear and watch another family prepare to loose their precious child. But it also helps us. I am thankful for God's hand upon our life. Truly our God is an awesome God.
The other day the boys were out playing baseball. They stopped and were looking up at the clouds and there was a beautiful white cloud with sun streaming down in such a miraculous way. The boys just kept looking and I wondered what they were thinking.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Life is continuing to move on as we continue to deal with the loss of Hezekiah. I cannot say it is getting easier because it is not. But I can say by God's grace we are learning to deal with it. I think the biggest improvement for me is realizing that it is ok to show my pain. I have ventured back to doing everything I did before this. There are times that the pain cannot be held in, times I cry but I just take it as it comes. And it's ok for it to be that way. I still don't like to cry in front of others but it happens. On Sunday we sang "Great is they faithfulness" and I silently cried the entire time. I admit I was worried someone would see me but I reminded myself it's ok. What Mother would not hurt and cry for her child she lost.

I also am continuing to trust God with all things. I have learned there are things I have no control over. There are questions I will never have an answer for while on this Earth. I feel peace with the future and God is making and molding me. I am thankful for his guidance and that my heart is still raw and sensitive to him.

Every time we drive past a grave yard Ruth yells out "Mommy Hezekiah go see him." It is heart wrenching, I hate the fact that my son is associated with a grave yard. UGH!! I have so much I want to say but I am SO tired, it's been a long productive day. Please continue to pray for us, we need it!