A 3 year olds prayer

Jesus when are you going to bring Hezekiah back? This is the prayer Ruth prayed tonight before bed. And then of course she asks me and I have to tell her once again that Hezekiah is not ever coming back to us. She continues to say we can take an airplane and get him and to each thought the response is the same...no, that cannot happen.

I feel the need to have a good cry, I can feel things building up again. I found myself looking at a picture of Hezekiah I have in our bathroom. I could not take my eyes off of him. I miss him...my heart aches for him! God I need your strength once again.

Life has been extra busy here in our household. School has begun and we are heading into our 4th week. I love teaching my children and find joy in working with them, it is amazing how children are so eager to learn if given the right tools and encouragement to do so. I have found my days to be very busy as I have 5 officially in school. I find organization and a schedule to be the key to success for our family.

I think the hardest thing about homeschooling is occupying the younger children. I have bins of education things for the little girls while I teach the older ones, then I take time to read and play with them a bit between lessons. This helps them and actually helps me in return because they are more than content to play when I need them to. I am used to having a clinging baby in my arms, nursing during lessons, and having giggly distractions. How my heart so desires for that. Hezekiah would be teething, crawling, and enjoying making his siblings laugh. I remember these distractions before and was not fond of them as I had so much to do. Now my heart aches for them...it's a lesson of don't know what you got till it's gone!

On school days my mind is so busy that it is in the evenings that I find the tears rolling as I think of Hezekiah. I of course see his pictures and think of him but I can't take the time to let loose these emotions that I have. When the weekend comes I am pretty much a mess. I know time will help me to deal as we adjust to school.

Hezekiah has given me a passion to take every minute I can with his brothers and sisters. To love them, be patient, and serve them. I do not want to take for granted that which the Lord has blessed me with. I cannot think of myself nor can I assume they will always be here. I must use these days for God's glory and not waste them. Soon enough they will be grown up and on their own. So with God's grace, mercy, and strength I shall sharpen the arrows he has blessed Ken and I with and I will look forward to that glorious reunion in which I will see my precious Hezekiah once again. I love you my son!

For Olivia and Noah

8 months old

Today Hezekiah is 8 months old. I remember 8 months ago at this time just holding my precious son as Ken and I talked and looked at our beautiful boy. We were so unsure of what each minute held for him. I remember being so thankful he was still alive and that we could be parents to him. How dearly we love him.

We went to Hezekiah's grave today and we each sent a red balloon up to him. The kids all sent him a picture and told Ken and I we need to make him one for next time.

There is always a deep ache as we pull into the cemetary and walk back to our boy/brother. The kids are always so excited to send their balloon up to him but once that is done there are many tears. We find even though it aches it is good to get the tears out.

Today after the balloons were all up we sat in a circle around our sons/brothers body and Ken prayed. He could barely finish the prayer and during it we were all sobbing. In his prayer he asked God when he would take our pain and turn our tears to joy.

We can't wait for the glorious reunion, it is something I can only imagine

So many firsts this past week

We headed to the beach last week and there were many firsts without Hezekiah. I remember packing and thinking many times the things I should be packing. There was no pack n play, no diapers, extra clothes, toys, strollers, baby beach towel, etc. For the first time in 13 years we don't have a baby. I think if we had chosen for it to be this way we would be sad that Ruth was growing up but somewhat enjoying the freedom. But we didn't choose to not have our baby and here we are empty handed with broken hearts.

Once at the beach there seemed to be a zillion baby boys and every time I saw one I couldn't help but think of Hezekiah not being here in my or his Daddy's arms. I remember the 2nd day at the beach just starting to cry in the hotel because it was so overwhelming.

The kids each got a hermit crab and of course they wanted one for Hezekiah so we came home with 7 of them. The waves were quite strong the 1st day so the kids did not go out far at all. Infact in the afternoon we were not allowed to go out further than our knees. The next day we were not allowed out in the water at all due to the weather. On the way home the kids were laughing about a wave that knocked Ken over. One of them said "your just trying to go see Hezekiah first." Silence filled the van and the tears streamed as my mind went in many directions. I don't think Ken nor I knew what to say. A few minutes later I said well guys lets just say it this say: Whoever gets there first gets to tell Hezekiah just how much we love and miss him.

I know some people think we choose to struggle after losing Hezekiah, that we should be able to "get over it." But they are wrong, it's a new way of life and it's really tough. How I feel is a lot like the ocean. Things can be calm but then a wave comes and it knocks you down. Your still continuing on but your knocked down waiting to get up again. Each time you get back up your a bit stronger. This week I am knocked down...