On Friday we headed out to Hezekiah's grave site. Going to a grave site is a wretched thing, death however is a part of this sinful world that we live in. I can't just pass by or see a grave site without thinking of those who are left behind hurting. As we got out of the van Hannah, Elijah, Solomon, Naomi, Esther, and Ruth picked what colored balloon they wanted to send up to their brother. They picked the colors blue and yellow this month for him. Once they had their balloon in hand they headed back to Hezekiah's spot. My heart delights in watching the children run back to their brothers spot with balloons and letters in hand. Ken and I always walk hand in hand in silence and often tears are already falling down our cheeks before we get to our destination. Once we are all there we have silence and tears. I now know that no amount of time will take our deep ache and the reality of our loss away. Our wound is deep and raw, there is no scab or band-aid for it. We will continually rely on God as our strength to continue on in this journey. We have been forever changed! We each said what we want to say to Hezekiah and when the last person was finished we released the balloons together. We once again stood in silence as we watch the balloons go higher and higher. This time Ken and I snuck away for a few seconds to fix up Hezekiah's grave marker. When the children turned around this is what they saw. It was a few seconds until Solomon said "Are you serious?" I said yes, Elijah then fell on the ground with his arms and feet going in all directions giggling in joy. Solomon followed in his footsteps while Hannah cried tears of joy. Naomi, Esther, and Ruth came up for a closer look. I read the t-shirt to them and then said to Esther "what does it mean if Hezekiah is a big brother?" She looked deep in thought then Naomi whispered in her ear. All of a sudden she yells "your pregnant." I said yes I am and Hezekiah is going to be a big brother. Esther then said "how did that happen?" She very quickly started running all around yelling "mommys pregnant and were going to have a baby." There was so much joy and excitement. It was the first time there was joy while we stood in this spot. I then pulled out another yellow balloon and we sent it up to Hezekiah from the baby. I also purchased a stuffed monkey for us to put the Im a big brother t-shirt onto so we could leave it at Hezekiah's grave. Once done Ken and I sat and watched as the children laughed, sang, wrestled, and played with the little things they leave at Hezekiah's grave. It truly was a moment that we will always cherish. We stayed for well over an hour just taking it all in.

Of course, I couldn't help but think of Hezekiah and how I wish he were here and how I wish things were different. I am also thankful God blessed us with another precious baby. It has been a prayer of ours for many months now.

This precious baby will bring joy to our home however he/she will not take the place of Hezekiah, there is no substitute for our son/brother. This precious child cannot possibly take our pain away nor diminish it. Hezekiah is a blessing from God and his life is precious. We look forward to the blessings in the future and we are anxious to let this new baby know about Hezekiah his/her big brother.

Yesterday we went to go fill our water containers with water from a spring nearby. When we go there we pass Hezekiah's grave and of course we cannot just drive past and not stop. I remember at Christmas we drove past and did not stop and I promised myself I would never do that again. It hurts to much to not stop. We stopped and as we walked back I saw most of the snow was gone. Last time we went we had to walk in wet, cold snow. The kids all ran back to their brother and as I walked arm in arm with hubby I cried, it's just horrible that we even have a grave for our 13 month old. Ken remined me that Hezekiah is not here and I know that. But his sweet face, tiny toes, chubby cheeks, button nose, and all the physical parts I remember of him are. Yes, under the ground where I will never see them again but they are there. Going to the grave is a time of weeping, I don't know that I can even explain the deep pain within. But when we leave we feel refreshed. I think it's important to make sure we take the time to let the pain out. It's always in there and it's good to release it. The kid's fixed up his army men they left there and we cleaned up the broken balloons from last time. I am anxious to take some flowers there. We miss our son and brother and time does not erase that!

Happy Valentines Day

Today, 13 months ago Hezekiah went to be with Jesus. Just thinking of that day and those moments make me cry and unearth a deep ache within. This afternoon when it seemed to overwhelm me I prayed and asked God for strength and I reminded myself over and over again that God is faithful and his ways are best. Finally Ken arrived home and his hug brought my tears to full bloom. I am so thankful for my husband, his compassion, patience and understanding and for his love to Hezekiah.

After dinner we read The story of St. Valentine to the children. Then Ken and I each read a note we wrote to one another. We want our children to know how important our marriage is and how we honor our commitment we made to one another before God. We honor God when we honor each other.

So here is the mushy stuff :) This year we got some giggly, gagging noises from the kiddo's as we were reading. It was a fun memorable time.

Dearest Michele,
You have made me truly happy. God has sent me a gift, a reward. It is so easy to love you. I am so proud to have you as my wife. Between your beauty and your wisdom, your grace and charity give me honor. When you are quiet I simply admire my pretty wife. When you speak, the words are intellegible like devine scripture. Your actions towards others are like fine trim on a opulent home. You let others hurt you, because you hope the best from them. But graciously you try again. I beg you to stop letting them. But you are not like me. You continue on, so while I get frustrated by this I can't help but admire you. I am bursting with pride, joy, admiration, and gratefulness over the Lord's gift to me.
I love you,
Ken

Ken,
I hope everyday I portray these thoughts to you. I am so thankful to have you as my husband. With each passing year I love you move and more. You truly are my handsome knight in shining armour. I admire your commitment to me and our children and how your content to just be with us. You work long and hard days to provide for us. It delights my soul in how you love and care for our 7 children. I know our children are truly blessed to have a fun, hands on daddy like you. You have a vision for your family and as a strong leader you lead us. Even when things get tough your like a mighty warrior who plunges forward and keeps on going. You have no fear because your trust is in our creator. Your humble and giving constantly, thinking of others before yourself. Every direction if it be of goodness or pain you are not afraid to lead us and when things get tough you instantly take us as a family to our knees in prayer. I will never forget your strength as we prepared and watched our precious son go onto eternity. You are a rock. Your a man of truth who honestly shares your faults and seeks to honor God in all you say, think, and do. You don't just talk it you walk it. I love quiet moments with you. I love your strength both physically and mentally. I can look into your eyes and you say nothing but I know your thoughts by the look in your eyes and the smile on your face. You make me want to be a better person. Your a man of priceless value and I am so glad that your mine. I thank God for choosing you to be my husband.
I love you forever macho man :)
Yours Forever,
Michele

13 months old

Today Hezekiah is 14 months old. I often think of how he would be walking around, teething, and getting into everything. I wonder what he looks like and which brother and/or sister he would most resemble. I long to hear his cry, giggle, and babbling.

We went to his grave and the kids took black and yellow balloons. Yes, we are Steelers fans :) Ken worked a bit late so it was almost dark and starting to rain by the time we got there. We had to tread the snow and the kids made a snowman. They laid the pictures they made for him in his little box. Of course, as usual there are tears. We miss our son/brother very much.

Celebrating Hezekiah Day

We celebrated Hezekiah Day on January 9th. Before I go into our events on that day let me go back a bit. Every time we have a baby we get the children gifts from the baby. Hezekiah was due on December 30, 2009 which is also my birthday. Since he was due so close to Christmas we opted not to do Christmas presents as we are rather elaborate in our gifts from the baby. It was a minor concern but we were not sure how we were going to give the gifts due to not knowing how long Hezekiah was going to live. It was a prayer of ours to bring Hezekiah home and be able to give the gifts with him alive and us all together. God answered that prayer on January 9, 2010. Hezekiah and I came home :) What a joyous day it was to walk into the house and have all 7 of our children there. We have very fond memories of that day. Ken and the children had all the gifts in piles ready and I sat holding Hezekiah watching as my precious older children opened their presents. The entire day went to fast, it is one we will never forget.

So this year the children decided they did not want any Christmas gifts but instead wanted to do gifts on what they have named as "Hezekiah Day." We exchanged names and each person bought their name. In the morning Ken read some scripture and then we each went around and said one moment we held being special with Hezekiah. It was hard for us to pick just one but here is what was said.

Ken-The moment he was born and I finally saw my son. He came out crying loudly and was strong. I felt such intense love for him and was overtaken by my emotions.

Michele-When I held Hezekiah for the first time and also at home when Ken placed him in my arms. I did not think that moment would come. For a small time I forgot that death was lingering around us and enjoyed all 7 of my children in our home.

Hannah-When I would tickle under his chin he would smile for me.

Elijah-When Mom and Hezekiah came home and I could hold him. I liked us being together as a family.

Solomon-I liked holding Hezekiah and looking at him. I was happy when Mom and Hezekiah came home.

Naomi-I like when Mom and Hezekiah came home. I loved to hold Hezekiah.

Esther-I love Hezekiah and that he came home. I love my Hezekiah baby that Hezekiah got for me.

Ruth-Holding and kissing Hezekiah with Mommy.

As you have read holding and kissing and being together was what we all are so thankful for.

Once we finished talking we started by giving the chidlren each a bear in memory of Hezekiah. These bears were made by Carol in memory of her son Keith.

They are precious and priceless. Carol used clothes or blankets on the bears ears and feet that was Hezekiah's and the children recognized that on their own immediately. Carol also put a patch on the back of the bears that said the child's name along with in memory of Hezekiah. These bears are the favorite gift on Hezekiah Day. The children have not stopped carrying them around and they are tightly snuggled beside them at night. We also gave them a picture photo book that has pictures. I used pictures of Hezekiah and each child's is a bit different with pictures of them in as well. I am thankful we had those 2 gifts on this day. Thanks to Carol a precious woman who is using her aching heart to bless others.

Then we dug into the other presents in an ordered way of course. We spent the afternoon enjoying our gifts and one another. Towards the later afternoon we had some cake. My friend Wendy had brought us some cake stuff earlier so we made it for this day. Thanks Wendy! My sister in law Lauren stopped over and brought us a small cake and cupcakes also to celebrate Hezekiah's birthday. What a blessing to us to know others care...thanks Lauren, Ben, and Noah.

Our day ended well. I am thankful for Hezekiah and his precious life...we choose to celebrate his life! Of course there is sadness and our hearts ache but for us we must remember these precious days he was on this earth. It helps in our healing and it helps us to remember the good when the bad seems so overwhelming. Thank you Lord for the blessing of Hezekiah and for letting him come home. For making sure even the minor things such as the gifts all worked out!

Happy 1st Birthday Hezekiah

Today we celebrated Hezekiah's 1st birthday. It is hard to believe it has been a year already, the time has flown right by. I know at this time a year ago I was so excited to be holding my son, amazed at how perfect he was. I was so happy he was alive and with us.

We decided we will celebrate Hezekiah's birthday every year. There will not be a memorial on this day just a birthday party. The reason for this is how we see Hezekiah and what we believe about eternity. Hezekiah is alive and that fact is what gives us the hope to go on. We want to celebrate every year the precious son and brother that God placed in our lives. I was chosen to be Hezekiah's mommy, to carry him in my womb and care for him while he was on this earth. Ken was chosen as his daddy to care and love him as well on this earth. Hannah, Elijah, Solomon, Naomi, Esther, and Ruth were chosen to be his brothers and sisters and none of this was a mistake. Infact it has been planned for before we even knew. Of course, Hezekiah's birthday parties will be different because he is not physically here but we still rejoice in his birth day!

This afternoon we took a wooden cross we made for Hezekiahs grave marker until we decide what to get permanetly put in. Ken parked further up so I had to carry the white cross to his grave site. It was not heavy but as I carried it back the lane I started to cry. Ken met me about half way and took the wooden cross from me. He put his arm around me and I said to him "this is the cross God wants us to carry." We finished the walk back silently. We decided where to put it and I left with the children to get some balloons. When we arrived back Ken was finished digging the hole and had everything in it's place.

Once everyone was out of course there were tears all around. We started by each releasing a balloon for Hezekiah with the children attaching a letter to him. It was cold so we moved things along quickly. We then proceeded to read a letter and open a gift left by Rodney, Janae, and Aliya (who is in heaven). It was so precious and we loved their thoughtfullness. Then we lit a candle and tried to sing happy birthday. It was almost impossible because at that point we were all sobbing. After our failed attempt Elijah blowed out the candle and we placed a stuffed bear and a jingle bell from each child. We held hands, prayed, and cried some more. Oh how we miss Hezekiah.

We then headed home and after some supper we lit some cupcakes lovingly provided by Paula. Again we were blessed with such love shown to Hezekiah and us. We enjoyed eating the cupcakes with some Happy Birthday plates Wendy provided. We spent the evening relaxing and preparing for "Hezekiah day" on January 9th which will be a memorial for him. I will write more about that later.

I also was blessed by several phone calls and facebook messages in regards to Hezekiah's birthday. There is no way to possibly express how thankful we are to those who remember Hezekiah and make the time to let us know. It helps us in the process of healing!

Esther and Hezekiah share a birthday. Esther turned 6 and is absolutely delighted that she shares a birthday with Hezekiah. We are so thankful for these 2 precious blessings God gave to us!

It's a new year and I am looking forward to what God has in store for us this year. I know we will still continue to miss Hezekiah and this "journey" will not just all the sudden go away because it's a new year. There will be many more tears and many new firsts without Hezekiah this year as well. But I know we are stronger than we were last year, I know God will continue to guide us and we have faith in him. These past 2 weeks I have made sure to fill my mind with God's truths reading his words over and over again. I am concentrating on reading strength, joy, and contentment. It has helped me so much to continually do this, it fills me with a strength that only comes from God. At times I question the peace I feel and then know it is from God.

Christmas went well but had it's hard moments. We missed Hezekiah so much. There was no little one to tear ornaments off the tree. Nor was there a little toddler to open presents before time and get away with it because of their innocent smile. For Christmas my Dad and Mom in law got us 2 ornaments for Hezekiah. The one we put a picture of him in it and under it says Joy. I love that one and we placed it high up by the star for all to see. The other one said baby's 1st christmas and his name was on it. It also touched us that my Mother in law started the evening prayer out remembering Hezekiah and thanking the Lord for him.

On Christmas Day my sister Maryann and brother in law Doug gave us a willow tree little baby in memory of Hezekiah. It is adorable and we placed it with the rest of the family ones. They also gave us a card and the amount of money they would have spent on him. We cannot express the gratitude we feel when Hezekiah is not forgotten. We could never forget him and are so thankful for those who also do not.

On New Years Eve we spent the night at home because I was not feeling well. The children made ginger bread houses. They spent over 2 hours working on them and had such a blast. Ken sat with them at the table playing the guitar. It was a relaxing, fun evening and one not to be forgotten. These moments are precious and not to be taken for granted!