For Olivia and Noah

8 months old

Today Hezekiah is 8 months old. I remember 8 months ago at this time just holding my precious son as Ken and I talked and looked at our beautiful boy. We were so unsure of what each minute held for him. I remember being so thankful he was still alive and that we could be parents to him. How dearly we love him.

We went to Hezekiah's grave today and we each sent a red balloon up to him. The kids all sent him a picture and told Ken and I we need to make him one for next time.

There is always a deep ache as we pull into the cemetary and walk back to our boy/brother. The kids are always so excited to send their balloon up to him but once that is done there are many tears. We find even though it aches it is good to get the tears out.

Today after the balloons were all up we sat in a circle around our sons/brothers body and Ken prayed. He could barely finish the prayer and during it we were all sobbing. In his prayer he asked God when he would take our pain and turn our tears to joy.

We can't wait for the glorious reunion, it is something I can only imagine

So many firsts this past week

We headed to the beach last week and there were many firsts without Hezekiah. I remember packing and thinking many times the things I should be packing. There was no pack n play, no diapers, extra clothes, toys, strollers, baby beach towel, etc. For the first time in 13 years we don't have a baby. I think if we had chosen for it to be this way we would be sad that Ruth was growing up but somewhat enjoying the freedom. But we didn't choose to not have our baby and here we are empty handed with broken hearts.

Once at the beach there seemed to be a zillion baby boys and every time I saw one I couldn't help but think of Hezekiah not being here in my or his Daddy's arms. I remember the 2nd day at the beach just starting to cry in the hotel because it was so overwhelming.

The kids each got a hermit crab and of course they wanted one for Hezekiah so we came home with 7 of them. The waves were quite strong the 1st day so the kids did not go out far at all. Infact in the afternoon we were not allowed to go out further than our knees. The next day we were not allowed out in the water at all due to the weather. On the way home the kids were laughing about a wave that knocked Ken over. One of them said "your just trying to go see Hezekiah first." Silence filled the van and the tears streamed as my mind went in many directions. I don't think Ken nor I knew what to say. A few minutes later I said well guys lets just say it this say: Whoever gets there first gets to tell Hezekiah just how much we love and miss him.

I know some people think we choose to struggle after losing Hezekiah, that we should be able to "get over it." But they are wrong, it's a new way of life and it's really tough. How I feel is a lot like the ocean. Things can be calm but then a wave comes and it knocks you down. Your still continuing on but your knocked down waiting to get up again. Each time you get back up your a bit stronger. This week I am knocked down...

Here is what I found today by one of Hezekiah's pictures. I often find things the children leave at one of his many pictures in our home. I think it is so sweet and every time I see a new item my eyes instantly tear up. What love they have for their brother and how my heart aches as I think of what could have been.

Clinging to God and his promises...

Our Hezekiah tree

A few months ago my parent's cell group from their church came over and planted a Dogwood tree in memory of Hezekiah. I was really sick that day so I was not able to be out with them but Mom took some pictures and I am waiting for her to get them to me. We are SO thankful for our Hezekiah tree and those who thought of us. Almost every day one of the children brings a picture, flower, or something for Hezekiah. They often stick them by his picture frames in the house but sometimes they stick things by his tree.

I often sit by the tree when I am having a bad moment. I shed my tears and think of my sweet boy whom I miss so dearly. I often find the children sitting by the tree as well, it is their choice spot to sit, talk, or play games.

Yesterday the children came up with an idea to put his picture at the tree so we made a card with his picture and they each wrote on it. We then stapled it to a stake by the tree. The kids love it and one of them quickly put a rock shaped like a heart by the tree.

The fence is around it to keep our goats away. We have some ideas of making the area even nicer, relaxing, and inviting. It is just another precious reminder of our son/brother. We miss him and await the glorious reunion in Heaven.

Love ya Hezekiah!

Ya don't know what you got till it's gone...

I have come to appreciate many things since we have experienced the loss of our precious Hezekiah. I am thankful that I have come to realize even more how precious my 7 children are and how some things I will miss that now seem overwhelming.

I appreciate:

Last week when we were taking our puppy for a walk up the road she went poo. Before I got to clean it up our 3 yr old with all her might jumped in the air and right on top of it smiling from ear to ear.

On our downstairs toilet we have a sprayer attachement that sprays the poo off of cloth diapers. Our 3 yr old got into it today and covered the bathroom floor and walls with water. It looked like a mini flood. I can only imagine the fun she was having in those few seconds alone. (Yes, I did tell her to NEVER do that again)

spilled milk

finger prints on the walls

mud all over the brand new shoes

finding folded clean clothes in the dirty hampers...

These things are annoying as any Mother knows but I am so thankful for things like this because I know the taste of not having one of my children here. I'd much rather have these annoying things to teach my children than not to have them at all.

I believe it to be true that ya don't know what you got till it's gone...missin you so deeply still Hezekiah!

What are you thankful for?

Your 7 months old today

We miss you and love you so dearly Hezekiah!

The kids all made you a picture to attach to the balloon they sent up to you. Some of your brothers and sisters even attached a silly band to them. We trust God to direct our paths and help us continue on without you on this Earth. Our hearts still ache as the wound is so deep. We know God is faithful, we trust him. We will see you again our precious son and brother.