Can I ask you all a favor? I know you have been praying for us and it is so needed and appreciated. Can I ask you to pray specifically for me that I can sleep at night? I have not been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night. Pray my body, mind, and soul can be at peace and rest.
Thank You

I feel as if I am in a deep, dark pit all alone. In this deep pit I feel as if I am helpless, the circumstances around me are out of my control. It is a gnawing feeling that never subsides even as life goes on. I can turn in any direction and I see no light. I search for rest for my body, soul, and mind yet I can find none. My emotions have taken over me and I beg for some peace, just enough to get a few hours sleep at least. My mind is numb at times and goes down valleys it should not. I long for happy days again, for peaceful days, days of no more tears. Is this to much to ask?
I want to crawl out of this pit, please God pull me out, wipe my tears, hold me, comfort me. Help me to breathe. Don't let my heart be hardened. Help me to trust fully in you.

When Hezekiah was in the hospital their was a wonderful group of people from the palliative care team that gave him a small, stuffed Gund bear. Our photographer from NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep) used this bear in his first pictures. I keep his bear in his memory box but we have decided to use this bear as much as we can when we get pictures taken so he is included (in a sense). One of the children suggested it and we loved the idea. We have named the bear "Hezekiah bear".

So let me introduce Hezekiah's siblings to you. I am not comfortable putting their faces on a public blog perhaps in time we will change our mind. But for now this will have to do. Notice our 2 year old holding the Hezekiah bear :)

Today Hezekiah would be 1 month old. I can't help but to think of all the things I am missing out on by him not being here. It is an endless ache that is so deep within I imagine it will always be there. In time it will get easier I have heard but for now it is just as fresh as it was from the beginning. I want to go to the grave but with all this snow I can't.

Trusting God is easy when things go the way I think they should. But trusting God when things go a way I don't like or think they should is a totally different thing. I have found it even harder when there are so many unanswered questions. I have seen a weakness/sin within myself as I deal with Hezekiah not being on this Earth. I have chosen these past few days to verbally acknowledge God's faithfulness when I start to struggle or question things. It does not give me the answers I am searching for nor does it make the ache easier. What it does do is make me humble myself before the Lord acknowledging that he is faithful and that he knows better than I. I also in that short saying am acknowledging that I do not have a clue about most things, there is so much more to God than I can even imagine. I do know that someday I will know and understand why Hezekiah was taken from this Earth. But for now I must trust God and I cannot allow my feelings to take over truth.

Hezekiah is safe and alive with Jesus, a loving Father who loves him just as much as I love him. It is hard to accept this, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I miss my son SO much even though I truly could not ask for any better for my son. He is in the place where we all long to be someday and I know on the day the Lord calls me home I will be eager to go for I will see my precious son.

I got asked this week how many children I had. It felt like forever as I thought in my mind what to say but I know it was only a second or so. My answer: I have 7 children and that is how I will answer anyone from now on. If the conversation goes deeper I will explain it this way. I have 7 children and all are living because truthfully HEZEKIAH IS ALIVE. As I introduce them when I get to Hezekiah I will say he is with Jesus and how old he would have been. I like it...I love talking about him and the memories I have :) I never want to forget him and I am thankful Ken and I both agree on this.

So this week I pray I will continue to heal and grieve in a positive way giving God the glory for the great things he has done. I don't want Satan to have any room in this, in fact I want the opposite and by God's grace I will stand strong.

I had a productive day today with the kids and their schooling which is good. I had to several times force myself to not "go there" and continue to move on. Yes, there were times I struggled, cried, and even once when I stopped to look at all of Hezekiah's pictures on the computer. I do that every day, sometimes more than once. As I am looking and remembering I almost always have 6 little ones around me.

It is hard to go on, there are so many moments when I think how it would be if Hezekiah were here. I pulled out one of the Grammar books and I found my bookmark from before he was born. It had all the kids names on with a blank spot for the new baby. It brought tears to my eyes as I wrote his name in that spot. How I miss him, I know I say that so much but it is SO true. '

I have failed over the past few days with trusting God in all of this. I have allowed my desires to be first and foremost in regards to Hezekiah. I do not live for myself, I live to serve the Lord and HIS desires, HIS ways, HIS will is perfect. He sees way beyond what I do and I should rejoice that Hezekiah is perfect and with Jesus. I really need to get beyond myself!

On another note I made my 1st trip out by myself yesterday with the kiddo's. YIPPEE :) We went to the dentist and they all got their teeth cleaned. It went very well mostly because we go to an awesome family friendly dentist.

I have much more on my mind but it is so deep it would take forever to write. I will save it for when I have time to finish it.
Please continue to hold us up in your prayers!

I never thought I would have some of the emotions and feelings I am experiencing since Hezekiah left. I am not sure how honest to be here on my public blog. But me, being me, I think honesty is always best and for those who take my words and use them against me I will tell you to GET A LIFE! Well actually I won't but I will hurt inside and cry if you say things you should not using my weaknesses against me.

I am sad, I am raging with anger, I am hurt, and I feel like I am well, depressed you know loosing it...going off the deep end. I am trying not to go down this road but I am heading there fast and I don't know how to stop it. I take care of the home, hubby, kids, and do what needs done. I love 6 of my children and give them what they need. My 7th child I miss beyond words and every part of me aches for him. I think of him every minute of the day. I often look at his pictures and pick up his outfit and hold it close. Is that crazy? I don't know I just am doing what feels right, what I want to do and it feels right to me.

I am mad at myself because truth be known I am mad at God. I can't figure out why he would allow this to happen to my son. Satan did it but he allowed it! He allowed Hezekiah to be taken from a God loving family who would have raised him for his glory. Yes, I know he has other plans but that offers little comfort right now. I can't believe I cannot just accept God's plan in all of this, who am I to question God. I feel guilty for the things I think and the anger that fuels inside. The anger and ache are side by side wrestling with one another to take over. One minute I am angry, the next I am weeping out of control. When will all this madness end? I feel alone, all alone as I struggle to cope with Hezekiah not being here. I feel like a "basket case" and am frustrated with myself.

Don't get me wrong, I know God is good, I know his ways are best. And I still trust him, it's just hard to move beyond all that has happened. Perhaps it's just part of the grieving process but goodness gracious I am ready to go back to "normal" again. But then what can be normal after one of your children are gone, it will always be obvious he is missing.

Also in my life other things are taking place because some people don't realize I have enough stress they like to add more. And others because things take place that I have no control over, and I question God again why he would place something I loved right back in my face! So do I go back to the "God I trust you because you know better than I". Of course I should but it is so much easier said than done.

Clearly you can see my weakness!

I miss you my precious son! I love you forever and always!!
Mommy