Today Ken and I went for a 12 week sonogram for our precious baby in womb. I have to admit this week has been very stressful for me because of the anticipation of this sonogram. I was afraid this baby could be anacephalic or something else could be wrong. It is not fear as many think, it's reality for us. I can no longer assume after the situation with Hezekiah that I will have a healthy pregnancy and baby. Before we got out of the van Ken prayed for our visit. We both agree that despite any diagnosis that this baby is a gift from God and we will love him/her unconditionally. It doesn't matter if he/she is deformed or only given a few days to live we would give this precious child our all.
Once we got into the sonogram room my nerves were really a mess. Ken gently grabbed my hand and the sonogram started. I could not look at the screen so I asked the technician to just tell me if the head is ok. She said it looked good, I continued to question her and made sure there was a skull and the baby was not anacephalic. She said the baby was not anacephalic and tears streamed down my face with a loud Thank you Jesus. I then looked and saw our precious baby moving all over the place. It truly was amazing to see him/her wiggle all around. We even got to see the mouth swallowing. The sonogram ended with everything being ok. We walked out with a handful of pictures and smiles on our faces. Ken took me over to Babies R Us to pick out a blanket so we could show the children a visual of what they would later learn.
We headed home to pick up the children. They asked us to tell them the diagnosis at Hezekiah's grave so we got them and headed to our special spot. Ken told me not to smile or say anything and I have to admit I felt horrible doing so. I felt as if I was inflicting pain upon them emotinally but they handled it very well. Once at the church Ken told the children to head back to Hezekiah's spot. We waited a few seconds and headed back ourselves. A wave of emotions hit me and I loudly said "why Hezekiah, why did he have to be the one who had to go". I fell apart and Ken put his arm around me and reassured me that God is good and his plans are better than ours. That Hezekiah is safe and loved dearly where he is. I arrived at Hezekiahs spot full of tears which was not good for the children as I could see the fear in their eyes. Immediately Ken started to pray and he said "Thank you Lord for this healthy child you have blessed us with." At that moment everyone was sobbing and we started hugging one another. How can I explain the tears of joy knowing our baby is ok yet the tears of sadness that we so deeply feel for Hezekiah. It was another awesome moment as a family that we all will cherish.
THEN...we pulled out our visual from Babies R US and showed the children a blanket that clearly showed the technician's opinion on if we were having a boy or girl. There was delight, absolute delight and some more tears. We are not going to share that news for now ( I know it's so rude to do this) because there is a chance she could be wrong although she is pretty confident of herself. We then proceeded to clean up around Hezekiah's grave and the children did their normal fixing and rearranging things.
I am anxious to celebrate this baby within me now as I have been so reserved to do. I know I will still struggle but I know God's word is still true. Despite my circumstances God's word never changes, he is always faithful and he has my best interest at heart even when it hurts!