Thursday, July 29, 2010

The other day I found this written on one of the kids foots. I am not one to tolerate writing anywhere except on paper but I could not bring myself to say anything negative. I just picked up the camera and took a picture and hugged my son and smiled at him. We all express our pain, love, and feelings for Hezekiah differently. We sure do have a lot of love for our son/brother!

Thinking of Hezekiah all the time.

There is not a day that goes past that I do not think of Hezekiah. Most days I think of him several times and the children bring his name up a lot. The little girls have named all their baby dolls Hezekiah. They are always giving me Hezekiah hugs and taking pictures they made for him out to our Hezekiah tree. We have pictures of him all over the house that I look at several times a day. I love to stop and look at him for a moment, he is so precious to me. We miss him so much and were so thankful for the precious memories we have of him.

This year we planted small pumkins outside and we picked 9 ripe ones already so today I decided to preserve them. We cleaned them, cut em, took the seeds out, boiled them, peeled the shell off, pureed the pumpkin and tomorrow I will put the finished product in freezer bags. We ended up with 24 cups of pumpkin at the end of the day. It was a long day of working but I know we will appreciate it. The kids were champs about helping and are excited about roasting some of the pumpkins seeds for the first time. We will save some of the seeds for planting for next year.

As I was taking the pumpkin out of the food processer I thought of Hezekiah. The pumpkin was pureed like baby food and at 7 months Hezekiah could have had some if I was giving him food. I normally nurse my babies exclusively until they are one but if I did give him food it would be made by me. Then I thought about how I should have a fussy, teething little boy on my hip as I work. You know making things a bit stressful. It brought tears to my eyes, how I miss my boy!

This is one of my favorite verses, it gives me peace and hope whenever I think of Hezekiah.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

6 months ago today Hezekiah went to be with Jesus

It was 6 months ago today that our son left us from this Earth and went to Heaven where he was made perfect and whole. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.
The week Hezekiah was alive we did not sleep much at all. I remember in the morning sitting in the rocking chair by the fire keeping my baby warm. Ken was answering the phone as it rang non stop. I need to go back to the night before...

Towards evening Hezekiah started to show signs he was slowly fading away. There may have been earlier signs but we were not aware of them. I was sitting on the couch holding him, the kids were playing games on the floor around me and Ken was cleaning up. I was worried about him not eating and we were discussing getting him a feeding tube. We did not want to go to the ER to get this done so we decided to wait until the morning until we could call our pediatrician. Hezekiah was not showing any signs of distress nor a desire to eat so I was thankful for that. But as a Mother I knew he needed food and it was my responsibility and desire to make sure he got what he needed. Anyway, I was just holding him and rubbing his sweet cheeks. I was constantly looking at him and touching him. The children would often come up and give him kisses and hold him for a bit as well. I remember thinking how wonderful it was to have all 7 of our children in the same room.
All of a sudden Hezekiah threw his arms up in the air, his entire body went stiff, puckered his lips, and turned completely blue. I called for Ken and tried to hand Hezekiah off to him. It scared me and I was so helpless because I did not know what to do. I was so afraid he was in pain but as quickly as it happened it ended. I remember his body becoming fragile again and pulling him back close to my body. Ken and the children were all around me and we all had tears and fear in our eyes. Ken took the lead and prayed with us. I think this is when both Ken and I realized it ws the beginning of the end.
We talked a bit and I was convinced it was because he was not eating right that this was happening. Of course, that wasn't true but we were concerned about him not eating enough. Our only option was the ER and neither of us wanted to do that. Ken prayed again that Hezekiah would eat and told me to put him at my breast. I looked at Ken like he was ridiculous I mean he hadn't nursed but once the first day and that was barely at all. Ken continued to pray and I placed Hezekiah to nurse. At that moment Hezekiah latched on and nursed for 2 minutes or so. We both were bawling like babies thanking the Lord for his grace, mercy, and hearing our prayer. Once done everyone went back to what they were doing and within 10 minutes Hezekiah cried so loud. It was only the second time we ever heard him cry. He cried like a normal baby but then his little body stiffened up, he puckered his lips, and turned blue. I cannot explain the panic within us as we watched helplessly. Ken fell to his knees begging God to heal our son. Over and over again Ken cried out loud God heal my son, love my son. Hezekiah's again was ok and I pulled him close. I will never forget the relief I felt when he looked ok after that wretched episode. We all continued to pray, it was a time of fear and panic as we did not know medically what was happening. Although we knew Hezekiah was going to die I am not sure we could have prepared ourselves for that exact moment or the moments leading up to it.
After many tears and prayers there was peace. Ken took Hezekiah upstairs for the first time to help tuck in his brothers and sisters for bed. We got pictures of him with each child as they laid in their bed. I know the kids did not want to go to sleep because they were scared he was going to die that night. We assured them we would wake them if anything happened. When Ken came down we sat beside one another in complete silence looking at our son, loving him. Finally I told Ken to get some sleep. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep anyway. He dozed off and I sat with my boy. I took some pictures of him and then got up and made a foot print and hand print on some clay. I have one of each of the other kids so I wanted to do his. I knew that evening that he soon would not be with us. I cried softly as I talked with him. I often wonder if he could hear me or if he knew how much we all loved him. I changed him and gave him a sponge bath. Then I sat up the entire night just looking at him. I could not sleep because I was afraid that he might pass while I slept. If he needed me I wanted to be there for him.
That ended the evening.

Then morning came. We were still talking about the feeding tube and were getting opinions from Dr. Sarah and Dr. Loran. Ken had just finished cleaning up the breakfast dishes and Hezekiah did the get stiff, pucker his lips, and turn blue. I hated when he did it as it scared me so much. It only lasted seconds but it seemed like forever. I asked Ken to pray and release Hezekiah to the Lord. Ken did and things calmed down and Ken decided to go outside with the kids for a bit. It had been a stressful evening and morning and we both knew the time was near. We thought it would be good to get the other kids out for a bit. As Ken was heading out the phone rang and he answered it. Dr. Sarah was on the line and as they chatted I was just watching Hezekiah. I looked up for a second and at that moment our precious son/brother left us. I grabbed Ken's arm and without saying anything he knew. Hezekiah showed no signs of struggle which we are so thankful for. Hannah, Elijah, Solomon, Naomi, Esther, and Ruth were all in the room when their brother passed. We cried together, it hurt so deep.

My parents came over until everything was worked out with the coroner. Once everyone was gone Ken helped me up the steps to our bathroom. I had never been able to give Hezekiah a full bath and was determined to give him one now. I was not going to send my son's body away dirty. Although it seems morbid I had Ken take pictures as I bathed our boy just as I had his siblings in the same little tub. I am so thankful for those moments and the pictures. We dried him off, put some baby cream on, and dressed him. We took some pictures of him with his bear and in the co-sleeper Ken had made specifically for him.
We headed downstairs and took turns holding him and of course crying. Our home has never had so many tears or such sadness in it. We talked about him and how much we love him, the joy he brought us and how we will see him again someday. Ken assured us Hezekiah was in a much better place, completely healed and whole. Ken's strength in leading us was amazing, I love him so much. The evening finally came and the mortician arrived. Each of the children kissed their precious brother good-bye. I took him over to the bassinet and wrapped him in a blanket giving him the last kiss I would ever give him. I could not walk him to the mortician, there was just no way I could hand my sons body to him. I looked to Ken and he came and got him. There was such pain as I handed him over knowing a stranger was taking him. I know it was just his body but it still was so hard. Ken took Hezekiah started to walk over to the mortician and he had to stop, this truly was a very hard moment. We all were sobbing so loudly, looking back I felt bad for the mortician but I am sure he had dealt with it before. When he walked out the door we continued to sob clinging to one another, trying to comfort our children when we ourselves found no comfort. I can say this was one of the worst days of our lives.
We love Hezekiah and we miss him SO MUCH. He brought us such joy and has touched our lives forever.

The above pictures are after Hezekiah passed away.

Today we received a card in the mail. THANK YOU Sharon, it was such a blessing. It came at the perfect time. Thank you for remembering Hezekiah and for thinking of us. We hope to see you soon, I need to arrange that we do. HUGS to you!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Today has been a busy day for us. Jenn was admitted to the hospital today to have her water broken. Before she was in major labor the kids and I headed up to the hospital for a quick visit. We had planned for some time to give the children a doll to help them remember Noah and in memory of Hezekiah. We wrote on each book:

Dear __________
This doll is to help you remember your brother Noah and it is in memory of our brother Hezekiah. We put in a wallet size picture of Hezekiah and each child signed their name with whatever they wanted to write.

A month or so ago we went to the Carter's outlet and the kids picked out preemie boy outfits for the bitty dolls. We also included a receiving blanket to wrap their baby in. It was neat to watch and hear my children as they picked out an outfit they thought Susan, Sarah, Hannah, and Erik would like.
My kids were so delighted that the day came for them to finally give these dolls to the Porsche kids. And Susan, Sarah, Hannah, and Erik were so excited, happy, and thankful for the dolls.

When Hezekiah went to be with Jesus each of my children clung to a doll or stuffed animal that they already owned. To this day they dress their baby or animal in Hezekiah's clothes, sleep with it and even snuggle it tight and cry. I know our children would have benefited from something like this.
Our prayer is that this doll brings Sarah, Susan, Hannah, and Erik some comfort in the days ahead.

We were blessed this evening to meet precious Noah and he is beautiful. Jenn looks great and Kevin is a proud daddy. Susan, Sarah, Hannah, and Erik had smiles on their faces the entire time we were there. They are delighted with Noah. Noah weighed in at 6 lbs 10 ounces and 19 inches long. Noah is doing well. Continue to pray for the Porsche family!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dear Hezekiah,
It was 6 months ago today that you were born and I held you in my arms. The depth of love, happiness, fear, and sadness was so overwhelming at that moment. I remember your cry as you were pulled out of my body, it is etched within my mind. It is the only time I heard you cry like a baby does. I remember your Daddy confirming to me that you were indeed anacephalic and that you were a boy for sure. I watched as your Daddy went across the room to take care of you while I was being stitched back up. I tried to watch you being baptized but you were so far back that I could not see right. It seemed like forever until your Daddy brought you over to me. I could barely hold back tears as I finally gazed up your beautiful little self. I cried for each of your brothers and sisters as well when I first saw them.
Your Daddy sat beside me and put you as close to me as he could. They eventually left my one hand free so I could touch yours. I remember rubbing your soft face and kissing it. The next few hours are kind of a blur to me as your siblings arrived and pictures were taken not stop. I was so tired and could barely keep my eyes open.
It was towards evening that I started to feel better. I just held you so closely and examined everything about you. I was so thankful that you were alive.
I am so thankful for you Hezekiah, Happy 6 months old baby boy!