Monday, March 29, 2010

We miss you our precious babe. Life is moving on and we are being swept along with it. Our hearts are broken...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Olivia Hope

Andy and Jen's beautiful daughter Olivia went to be with Jesus yesterday. My heart aches for them and I ask you all to pray. The days ahead for them are long and hard. They need your prayers!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I talked to Jen about an hour ago. Andy and Jen are on their way to the Childrens Hospital to see Olivia. Jen is doing well physically and Olivia is stable. Continue to pray for them!

Remember Jen and Olivia? Please pray for them. I don't know all the details but I do know Jen had Olivia this morning at home (no she was not planning on a home birth). Jen is now at the local hospital and Olivia is at the children's hospital. Both are having difficulties! PLEASE pray for Andy, Jen, Gwen, and Olivia!!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

My heart is broken, raw, and exposed. It is like a hammer has hit it and pieces of it are everywhere. It is slowly being pieced back together but it will never be the same. There will always be a hole in the center with Hezekiah's name written across it. My son...always longing for you!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

This afternoon my thoughts went to my sweet son. I was waiting for one of the children to finish classifying their sentences in Grammar and I imagined that if Hezekiah were here I would be holding him during the lesson. I love to hold my babies and I hold them as much as I can, after all I do have lots of competition here with Daddy and the older children. Oh to be able to cuddle my sweet son. I often close my eyes and take my mind back to when he was here cherishing every memory I have of him. When Hezekiah was with us he was held 24/7, the only time we put him down was to change his diaper, clothes, or head dressing. I can so vividly remember holding him and looking down at him gazing forever trying to take in every inch of him.

So how are we? That is a question I am asked a lot. So here is a detailed answer. I physically am feeling great. I feel that God blessed me with my c-section because I have no complaints and feel like I never even had surgery. At my 6 week check up 2 weeks ago all looked well and the Doctor told me I could have more children (which we are very thankful for) but that I should wait 6 months to give my uterus time to heal. Those 6 months seem like forever away as I long for a baby to fill our home but I know it will go fast. Another child would never take Hezekiah's place as he has a very special place in all our hearts but babies bring a special joy to our home. So we shall wait and see what God has in store for us.
Emotionally I have my moments, sometimes it's just to much and I cry. I have been trying to just let the tears come when they do and not hold them back. I find when I hold them back it just builds up and then I have an "explosion". I don't like to show my emotion to others but I am learning it's best to just let my feelings come out. My emotions need to be controlled at times when I go down the wrong road with my thoughts and endless questions and that is when spiritually comes in.
Spiritually I am growing, by God's grace. I am learning many things but I want to specifically talk about one thing right now. I have always taken my role as a wife and mother seriously. Of course, I have my faults and weaknesses and I fail miserably but I do the best I can with what I have. Since Hezekiah past I have come to realize that I have been doing the wife and mom thing on my own and have not sought the Lord as much as I should. I will give you a specific example. How many times have you as a Mom just been plain exhausted and had a full sink of dishes to finish up? Many times as I stand over the sink finishing up the dishes I think about how no-one appreciates the work I am doing, how it is just expected that I will do it. I sometimes would verbally express these opinions to my husband and children as I worked. I am ashamed of my actions because I was doing "my" work for the wrong reasons. When I serve my husband and children I am to do it as unto the Lord. I need to see it that I am ministering to Ken and my children, but I am serving God. I am not doing this for myself, Ken, or my children but for God as he has given these responsibilities to me. Once I realized my sin and repented I started to think differently. I now remind myself that I am serving God as I do my work and I need to do it as unto him (for him) with a pure heart and gratefulness. I also need to rise up early and seek him asking for his strength as I go about my day. I have found renewed strength with this "attitude adjustment" and it has been a blessing to not only me but my family. I have been able to encourage my children as they do their work that they are doing it for the Lord. It is easy to do work and seek rewards or compliments for what we do. But I need to be humble and see it as pure joy to serve those who God places in my life.
I also have learned that God must be first in my life. I have neglected my relationship with him and have used my family as an excuse. How hard it is to rise up even earlier to read his word or stay up later to read and pray, yep those are my excuses. And they can be considered valid but they are not. God comes first and I must take the time for him, I must renew my spirit and mind. What a difference in the day when I take time for God first and serve him putting my self on the back die to self!

Here is the prayer I say every morning and night:
Almighty God, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid; cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify they holy name: through Christ our Lord. Amen

As for Ken, he is a blessing to me beyond words. He has been the "rock" for our family during this difficult time. He misses Hezekiah just as much as the rest of us. Hezekiah has softened his heart and made him a better man. I think I should let him share those details but he is doing well. He works hard to provide for us and comes home ready to serve some more. Truly, the children and I are blessed. I love my husband more and more with each passing day!

The children each miss Hezekiah and have dealt with the loss differently. Some have showed signs of stress just as I have as they tend to hold things in. I have been sharing the scriptures my Pastor has given to me and share my heart with them and it is helping. Others speak openly of their feelings and often talk of their pain and ask many questions. All of the children cry at times for him, and their tears make my heart ache even more if that is possible. There are many pictures drawn for him and his name is mentioned at least once a day. The little girls have pictures of him all the time carrying them around. Sunday was my first time back at church and things went great until my 5 year old sat beside me after communion and had his picture in her hand. I about lost it and wanted her to put the picture away. But, I reminded myself that it is her way of dealing with loosing him. I love when they sit and sing while looking at his picture, it melts and breaks my heart at the same time. I think we all are doing ok, grieving together and learning how to move on yet remember our precious son/brother.

As we still question why, we have peace, we have hope, and we have the assurance that God has a plan and a purpose beyond what we can imagine.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Today was a really good day. But as usual the day did not pass without thinking of our precious Hezekiah. This morning we went to the Woman's and Babies hospital where Hezekiah was born. We were so blessed with such a wonderful group of people that took care of Hezekiah and I. It was so good to see those who had the chance to stop by. The genuine love and concern was so evident as we were at Woman's and Babies back in January. As Ken and I drove home we talked about why these people are so important to us. What I mean is that we have had other babies in the hospital and have never left with this feeling before. We love these people and they are a part of our family in a sense. The connection is Hezekiah, he links them to us and it's what we have left after he left this Earth. And we want to cling to all that he has left because that is what we have. Where this will lead I don't know but we will never forget the kindness and love. The palliative care team is amazing there, the nurses are AMAZING! I can't wait to see them all again. And I must see them soon because I forgot to take pictures...I had the camera there and never took it out. I was to busy enjoying those who loved us and more importantly loved our Hezekiah. I meant to ask them if I could post their pictures on the blog but forgot so next time I will ask and then I will possibly be able to introduce you to some of these amazing people ;0)

After our Woman's and Babies visit we went to the park and played baseball. It was so much fun to laugh and play with the kids. It has been awhile that we had such joy and laughter and I must admit we need it more often. It is hard to go on but we must. Having faith is hard and this journey has shown me how weak I am. I have needed to lean on the Lord constantly in order to even make it through the day. I cannot make it on my own, I've tried and I fail miserably. I have come to realize that without God I am a disaster and everything I do fails. But with him it is amazing. I have some things I want to say on that matter but the kids need baths and bedtime is near. So for now I will leave it at that!

May we all seek the Lord as we labor on this Earth

Friday, March 5, 2010

Dear Hezekiah,

Today you would be 2 months old...

Do you know of this deep love that I have within my heart for you? Do you know how my arms ache to hold you, kiss you, nurse you, and love you? From above do you see the tears that are shed for you? Do you see us all struggling to go on without you? I got a photo of you and you were smiling in the photo. It is the only picture we have of you with a smile on your face and I cherish it. That photo means so much to me and I am so thankful for it. It brings joy to my heart to see you smile and even more joy is knowing you are safe in the arms of Jesus. By God's grace I am starting to see things different my son...

Monday, March 1, 2010

God, Others, Self

The other day I was talking with my older children as they were struggling with one another and doing their work. In our home we have a very common saying of "God, others, and self". It is our motto of how we are to serve. I was reminding them of that and in my frustration I blurted out to them. Do you think I like what has happened to Hezekiah? I answered in the same passion I started the question saying "No, I don't but it's not about me is it". Well I had to stop after I said that and I started to cry as I realized I myself have not been serving God in how I at times dealt with the loss of Hezekiah. I am way to willing to think only of my desires rather than God's. I seem to learn a lot from my children lately. As we continued our conversation and I poured out my heart my children humbled themselves and ask one another for forgiveness. What joy it brought not only to my heart but also in them. Ken always tells me that when we are serving others we don't have much time to think about ourselves. I also am starting to realize that when I lay it at the cross and fully trust even when it hurts there is peace. I am so thankful for that peace here of late. There are moments that are still hard but I am going to make it.

I have decided (by Gods grace) to be strong and go forward despite my fears, emotions, and obstacles. I want joy and peace in my life. I am not going to hide in my home where I am most comfortable, instead I am going to step out and try to get back to "normal" life as much as we can. I have 7 wonderful blessings from God and the 6 on this earth need me. I cannot be guaranteed tomorrow so each day must be lived to it's fullest. I am going to seek God every time my mind wonders where it should not. We as a family are going to always remember our precious Hezekiah, he is a part of us and we don't plan on letting his life be in vain. He has taught us so much...